We hear about all the toxic strategies narcissistic parents use to raise their children. They manipulate their children, gaslight them, abuse them, and sabotage their development.

So, what explains why some children of narcissists feel loved by their parents? Is this parent not really a narcissist? Is the child somehow immune to this abuse?

Golden Child Syndrome often occurs when narcissistic parents appoint a “spoiled child” to showcase the family’s successes and greatness. This child may be exceptionally gifted, and the parent exploits this trait to his or her advantage. Let’s dig deeper.

Do narcissistic parents love their children?

Narcissists may claim to love their children, but they only love their expectations of them. Often times, they simply want to create a mini version.

Some narcissists appear to be attentive and compassionate in raising infants or young children, but they cannot handle their children once a true identity emerges. They cannot understand or even empathize with why their children think or act differently than they do.

Unfortunately, golden children can play a crucial role for narcissists. They want to enjoy all the outside praise and attention because it only reinforces that they are great parents.

The narcissistic parent does not have the empathy, flexibility, or patience to raise their children honestly. They often do the bare minimum (if that). But they work hard in public to portray themselves as perfect, doting parents. The way others view them is much more important than the way their children feel about them.

What is golden child syndrome?

Almost every parent hopes to see their child thrive and succeed in the world, and this is the core motivation of parenting. Even narcissists often have this desire.

But unlike healthy parents, narcissists don’t just “hope” for this outcome. Instead, from the time their children are young, they work hard to shape and control the child’s destiny.

Golden child syndrome often appears when a parent begins to notice the “special traits” of one child. These traits can be anything, but they are usually externally reinforced. For example, a daycare teacher might comment on how well a child shares his or her toys. A neighbor might compliment the child for being “so handsome.”

Eventually, the parent begins to pile on these compliments and begins to set their child up for “greatness.” This child is now on a pedestal because he maintains the narcissist’s narcissistic display. As a result, they focus most of their attention, love, and praise on them.

How does being a golden child affect a child?

Since children naturally want to please their parents, this positive reinforcement sounds great. But over time, the child begins to worry about maintaining his success.

They may become anxious or perfectionistic about maintaining “correct” behavior. If the parent becomes angry or moody when a mistake is made (which often happens within narcissistic families), the child not only feels guilty for making the mistake. Instead, they feel incredibly ashamed about their identity and feel intense anxiety about abandonment or not being able to love completely.

Golden children grow up under incredible pressure to perform. Eventually, they began to internalize this pressure. For example, they may spend hours and hours studying or redoing their homework. If they excel at sports, they may constantly worry about the next match.

The parent has no flexibility for anything beyond complete perfection. They constantly raise their standards, and the golden child rarely feels like they can meet those unrealistic expectations. But they keep trying as hard as they can.

What happens when golden children become adults?

Leaving behind a toxic family dynamic does not automatically mean a child can relax. On the contrary, they are often already so anxious, overachieving, and perfectionistic that the pressure continues to build. The need to please and perform simply shifts into adulthood.

Lack of self-worth/self-esteem

Children of narcissists never feel unconditional love from their parents. This basic need is so basic, yet it is neglected time and time again. Instead, these children feel they must earn and maintain love, and live knowing that a parent may deprive them of it at any time.

As a result, golden child syndrome makes children feel inadequate and unloved. They only feel the value of their external achievements. Fear of failure often makes them feel emotionally paralyzed. Furthermore, they rarely have any experience with self-love or self-compassion, as these concepts are never formulated or reinforced.

Anxiety or depression (or both)

It’s no secret that living under constant stress often makes people feel anxious. They are constantly looking to the future and fear any situation in which they may lack control.

Likewise, golden children may suffer from depression. In fact, as an adult, it can feel scary and chaotic. It can seem upsetting if a parent spends a lot of time praising and elevating them only to discover that that doesn’t immediately translate into limitless opportunities in the real world.

Relationship difficulties

Golden children may face enormous interpersonal problems in their relationships with adults. In addition, because many needs go unmet in childhood, they may inappropriately seek fulfillment of those needs in the wrong sources.

For example, some adults with golden child syndrome essentially replicate a narcissistic family in adulthood. They may gravitate toward other narcissists because they want to secure the love they never received from their parents. Naturally, this motive is futile, because any narcissist will only recreate rejection.

Other adult children may become people pleasers or caregivers. Because they are accustomed to protecting the family “at all costs,” they may feel drawn to wounded people whom they can save.

Narcissistic traits

Unfortunately, narcissism has some genetic roots. Parents who greatly overestimate their children may breed entitlement and a lack of empathy in their children.

Keep in mind that this information does not mean that you are a narcissist! Children of narcissists can acquire certain traits because that is what they know. It’s normal to wonder if you’re a narcissist and worry that you’re hurting others, too.

However, self-reflection is often one of the missing parts of narcissistic behavior. If you have empathy, compassion, and a desire to grow and learn from others, you are probably not a narcissist! Additionally, if you suffer from low self-esteem (as many golden children do), this is essentially the opposite of narcissism.

Can the golden child become a scapegoat?

Narcissists are never satisfied with the status quo of life. They thrive in chaos, creating breaches in even the most stable conditions.

Unfortunately, even the golden child is not immune to a narcissist’s erratic behavior. Narcissists can quickly turn on their children, and feel no guilt or remorse when doing so.

The scapegoat is the “black sheep” of the family. Anyone can play this role, but families often reserve it for sick, weak, or “problem” children. The narcissist is convinced that this child is the only problem in the entire dynamic.

Golden children may become scapegoats under different circumstances. First, they may do something that the narcissist considers so outrageous or unacceptable that the child must be completely knocked off the pedestal. Of course, this behavior may be relatively benign, but if the narcissist feels angry or embarrassed by it, the whole world seems to turn upside down.

In other cases, golden children can become scapegoats once they start defending themselves or rebelling against perfection. Narcissistic families want to maintain order and control. If the child does not maintain his turn, he suddenly becomes a problem. And now they have become the main issue.

Likewise, scapegoats can “graduate” into golden children. This shift may occur after another child loses his or her position. It can also happen if the scapegoat suddenly “rises” to success and others notice.

How do you recover from golden child syndrome?

If you are a golden child, you may feel frustrated or dissatisfied with your role. Maybe you’re tired of living under pressure, but you’re not sure what to do next. Here are some tips that may help.

Quit pleasing the narcissist

Although this is easier said than done, you need to release your expectations about making the narcissist happy. It’s not your job to please them, and it never was.

As an adult, you are now responsible for your well-being. You can’t live trying to appease a parent who will never be satisfied.

Practice more self-compassion

You are worthy because you exist, and that value is not tied to any of your accomplishments (or lack thereof). Self-compassion is an inner work, and it begins with validating that you are loved and important.

Consider adding more positive affirmations to your daily routine. Focus on spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself, rather than people who only expect certain results from you.

Start taking risks

Golden children are often indecisive and anxious because they are too worried about making mistakes. To get used to making mistakes, you have to practice exposing yourself to potential failure!

You can start small. For example, consider signing up for a class in which you have no prior knowledge. Or ask your secret crush out on a date — even if the fear of rejection is hanging over your head. Of course, not everything will always go “perfect,” but you will become more comfortable learning and growing along the way!