Are your family gatherings always full of difficult and complicated emotions?

You are definitely not alone.

For those of us who didn’t grow up with The Brady Bunch, we often carry baggage from our less-than-ideal childhoods that, despite time and circumstance, tend to persist.

So we can be easily stimulated when we are near family for long periods.

For example, something a relative says in a harmless way may set off a chain reaction, opening a bag (or two) of worms in the process.

But what if I told you that you could be part of the problem? Maybe you play a role in stirring up family drama.

Self-awareness is key here. But sometimes, it takes an objective party (in this case me) to make you see things clearly.

Let’s dive in!

1) She loves gossip
Family and gossip are almost always synonymous, in my experience.

After all, venting to a mutual relative about someone within the family makes sense — they know who you’re talking about as much as you do.

Perhaps they will be able to relate to your feedback and agree with it with the same conviction as you.

However, once sharing (and exaggerating) personal stories or secrets between family members becomes a pattern, it is fertile ground for mistrust and conflict.

If you have an issue with a family member, make an effort to address it directly with them.

Otherwise…let her go.

The last thing you want to do is create scenarios in which family members are forced to take sides, turning disagreements into larger, avoidable conflicts.

Once everyone finds out, they’ll know who’s really guilty of all this drama – and that’s not the situation you want to be in.

2) You often react emotionally
I understand that being around family for an extended period of time can be exciting.

After a few hours of being with them, suddenly, you feel like a helpless, wronged child again, and dormant feelings resurface.

Hence, you may react to seemingly trivial events or disagreements with intense emotion, such as screaming, crying hysterically, or storming out of the room.

I suppose it’s understandable to have some complicated feelings about family, but at a certain point, you have to leave the past in the past and move on.

3) Tend to hold grudges
Here’s the thing: We tend to be less tolerant of family since we somehow have higher standards for them than the average person.

But the thing about family is that they are human beings, just like you and me; They are vulnerable to the same shortcomings and injustices as the rest of humanity.

If you find yourself frequently bringing up past mistakes, even when they are not relevant to the current situation, this is hindering your growth as a family unit.

Like many siblings in the world, my sisters and I have a lot of residual trauma from our youth.

Although my younger sister and I still have some anxiety about my father, we are doing our best to be civil and move on, so that bygone bygone.

We try to empathize, even though it’s a challenge sometimes.

Our parents are not saints or beacons of morality, they never were. But these days, we can see that they are trying to be better – and for us, that is what is important.

But my older sister is painfully unforgiving. She clings to almost every moment of childhood trauma with a crippling grip.

Sadly, she still refuses to speak to my parents except for occasional monosyllabic texts once or twice a year.

Hopefully one day it will break, so we can move forward as a family; But this does not seem likely in the foreseeable future.

4) You always play the victim
Every now and then I meet people in life who seem like constant victims, with or without family.

Even in scenarios where blame is shared, this type of person will reframe events so that they always appear to be the party being abused, and refuse to take any kind of accountability.

When it comes to family disputes, there are always two sides of the coin, in my experience.

So instead of playing the innocent victim, always seek to communicate and understand first.

Trust me, the world would be a more harmonious place with more communication – something that largely extends to your relationship with family members.

5) You refuse to apologize
Speaking of having too much pride, refusing to apologize is another sign that a family member is attracting drama.

Even when given clear evidence and clear feedback that their actions negatively affected someone, they rarely offer a genuine apology or acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Take this from Sophocles’ Tragedy of the Goat: “All men make mistakes, but a good man gives up when he knows his course is wrong, and corrects the evil. The only crime is pride.”

6) Interrupt or dominate conversations
Real talk: Family time is about sharing, giving and taking.

When you monopolize family discussions, constantly maneuvering to direct the topic back to yourself and ignoring the viewpoints of others, this behavior is bound to alienate some relatives, and for good reason.

No one likes a selfish conversation, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Maybe you believe that your family will always be there, that they love you unconditionally, and therefore you can act however you want, no matter how unhappy you are.

All I have to say to that is: Don’t push it.

7) You are somewhat contradictory
Your time with your family is limited, so it’s best to make the most of it by being generally respectful and loving.

Sure, you can disagree sometimes, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.

And then there are the people who are naturally contrarian, who always have something to say to oppose family decisions or opinions – not because they really disagree but because they enjoy the extra attention and like to appear superior.

My father’s sister is like this. It makes weekly family lunches unnecessarily stressful.

Sometimes, you just have to let your family be, and accept who they are, limitations and all.

She doesn’t seem to share that mentality.

She likes to think of herself as a holier-than-thou woman with high eyebrows. Hence, she regularly conflicts with the opinions and ideas of us Palestinians through her contradictory approach to things.

And if she’s not trying to refute what we’re already saying with an opposing “enlightened” point of view, she’s angrily lecturing us about how we can be “better human beings.”

Instead of accepting or forgiving, she chose to fight. I guess you could call her the perpetual devil’s advocate.

So, if this sounds like you, it’s time to channel that energy into living and letting live!

finalthoughts

Nobody is perfect – this is a universal truth that extends to our families.

Sure, we can maintain idealized expectations of our family and always feel disappointed, habitually reliving the traumas of our formative years — or we can move past the pain of the past, and accept the situation (and the people in it) as it is.