For some people, relationships are all about control.

This is not a healthy way to look at it. In fact, someone trying to control you in a relationship is an almost universal sign of a relationship you shouldn’t be in. Any healthy relationship requires people to give each other the freedom to be who they are and who they can become without trying to control. Or manipulate them.

Control doesn’t have to be yelling, screaming, or physical abuse to be manipulative. Another method commonly used by a controlling partner is guilt.

Feeling guilty is normal for any person who does not suffer from a major psychological disorder. At its best, guilt can push us to be better, more thoughtful, and more compassionate people.

But at its worst, guilt can make us feel inadequate, selfish, and unworthy.

Related : If someone is emotionally manipulating you, they’ll display these 8 subtle behaviors

This is exactly how some people use guilt to control the behavior of those around them.

Of course, when someone is trying to manipulate you, they don’t want you to know it. So they are often very skillful in the ways they use guilt to influence your behavior.

But watch out for these signs of hidden guilt. If you recognize them in your relationships, consider the possibility that they are manipulating you.

1) They keep reminding you of past mistakes
Making mistakes is part of being human. But for those who practice guilt, the mistakes of others are merely ammunition they can use to control themselves.

“Guilt is a natural form of passive aggression that people resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively,” says social worker and therapist Lisa Gold.

There are few better ways to make a person feel guilty than by reminding them of the mistakes they have made in the past.

If you are in a relationship with a person who feels guilty, they will constantly remind you of anything you may have done wrong in the past. The goal here is to make you focus on your mistakes so that you feel like a less competent, less capable, and less thoughtful person than you actually are.

Over time, this may make you feel as if you could never do anything right for the person who feels guilty. They will never forget anything you do wrong, and will constantly bring it up, especially during an argument, with the aim of making you feel bad and do what they want.

2) They are passive aggressive
Passive-aggressive communication is a way of trying to get what you want from a person without saying it directly.

“A passive-aggressive person may repeatedly claim that he or she is not crazy or that he or she is okay, even when they seem angry and clearly not feeling well,” psychologist Kendra Cherry writes.

“By denying what they feel and refusing to open up emotionally, they shut down further communication and refuse to discuss the issue.”

Passive aggressive behavior includes:

They say they will do something, but they procrastinate and drag their feet on it
Giving you the silent treatment
Frown
Complaining about things other people do, when they’re really the ones complaining about you
Recording what they do for others versus what they get in return
Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be very annoying, because they don’t have—or don’t want to use—the communication skills required to tell you what they need in a healthy way. Instead, they rely on guilt trips to do the hard work for them.

3) They play the victim
The guilt tripper is a perpetual victim. In fact, playing the victim is more than just another manipulation tactic. This may be fundamental to how they view themselves and the world.

People who use guilt trips like to center themselves and their feelings in any situation. So, if things go wrong, it’s a personal attack on them. If people can’t give them what they want, they take it as a sign of disrespect or hostility.

This is a trait you can notice in the way they talk about themselves and the things that have happened to them. Will they ever accept responsibility? Or is everything bad always someone else’s fault?

Guilt-trippers want you to see them as the helpless victim of a cruel world. By gaining your sympathy, they make you more manipulable.

4) They make things conditional
The person who is trying to manipulate you will often do nice things for you. But as with everything a manipulator does, he’s not doing it to your advantage. They do it to themselves.

They may shower you with gifts. They may take you on expensive trips. They may serve you, run errands around the house, drive you places, or anything else you want them to do.

But they only do these things to use them against you later.

You see, for a manipulative person, helping others is just another way to control them.

And next time they ask you to do something you don’t want to do, they’ll quickly mention all the times they did something to try to get you to do what they want.

5) They use emotional blackmail

A guilt trip is itself a form of emotional blackmail. So perhaps it should not be surprising that people who use guilt often use other forms of emotional blackmail as well.

Emotional blackmail may include:

Punishment for not doing what the other person wants, including silent treatment
They pout and mope when they don’t get their way
Offer rewards to encourage the behavior they want from you
Threats
self harm
No matter how it manifests itself, emotional blackmail is an extremely destructive thing in any relationship.

6) They compare you to others
Another way you feel guilty is by comparing yourself to other people.

Of course, you are always worse than everyone else in the mind of the person feeling guilty.

So they might point out how nice their friends are to them, or how their ex used to treat them better than you.

Related : 10 phrases manipulators use to make you feel guilty, according to psychology

They may also practice what psychologists call triangulation. This involves getting someone else to agree with you about your supposed bad behavior, such as a mutual friend or family member.

The goal is to make you feel inadequate and like you haven’t lived up to their expectations in the relationship.

7) They lie
If someone is willing to use guilt to control you, don’t be surprised if they are also willing to lie.

Sometimes, their lies involve distorting the truth. They may exaggerate your past bad behavior or change the details of something that happened to make it seem as if you behaved worse than you actually did.

Other times, they may tell outright lies. They will lie about their behavior, intentions, or things that happened in the past, all with the goal of making you feel bad and give in to their demands.

In its extreme form, this can become gaslighting, an attempt to make the victim doubt their memory and even their sanity. When this happens, make no mistake: you are a victim of emotional abuse.

8) They are frowning
Frowning is a very common way for people who feel guilty to get what they want.

After all, you’re supposed to be in a relationship with someone because you love them. And if you love them, you want them to be happy.

When people we care about suffer, we feel bad. Often times, we feel as if we would do anything to make them happy again.

Perpetrators use this positive trait to control you.

Sometimes, they will be annoyed with you, but they will exaggerate their actions to make sure you notice. Other times, they may not be upset at all, but they will act as if they are.

They will drown like children. They may frown, slam doors, or give you the silent treatment until you give in and do what they want.

9) They keep reminding you of everything they do for you
This is something guilt trippers love to do.

They will draw attention to every nice thing they did for you in the past, or every sacrifice they made. Again, the goal is to make you feel bad and give in to what they want.

In a healthy relationship, you should want the best for each other. This should motivate you both to do things for each other without any restrictions.

For the perpetrator, everything is transactional. And the nice things they do for you are just another way to make you feel bad and control your behavior.

Dealing with guilt

Guilt can be powerful. Sinners know this, which is why they use it to try to get people to do what they want.