This article won’t pull any punches.
If you’re not ready for the next real talk, that’s okay. You can move away now, and no one will think much of you.
But I think if you’re reading an article with a title like this, it’s because you’re curious to know whether or not it applies to you.
I think you suspect this is happening, so the best thing you can do is take a long, hard look at yourself, be honest, and see if your suspicions actually have anything to do with it.
Ultimately, interdependence is more than just behavior. It’s a deep part of the personality, and it’s not something you can turn on and off like a light.
Sometimes it takes years of work to recognize and eliminate dependent tendencies.
But there is always a starting point, and your starting point may be right now.
So, if you’re ready for some brutal honesty, get ready for these seven signs you’re not in love — you’re just a codependent.
What is interdependence?
Many people choose the word “codependency” and do not really understand what it means from a psychological or behavioral point of view.
You might think that interdependence means that you and your partner depend on each other (like co-signing checks), and there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that, right?
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to rely on each other?
Yes, it is, but not in the way that codependent people do.
Codependency is often defined as feeling extremely dependent on another, feeling responsible for one’s feelings and actions, and unhealthy devotion to the relationship at the expense of one’s own needs.
Despite the “co-” prefix, a codependent person is usually only one type of person in the relationship. This person is also often called the “giver” and the other person is called the “taker” or “user.”
The codependent person enters the relationship to be used because it makes them feel needed. They are usually attracted to people with extreme needs, especially addicts who are so dysfunctional that they cannot take care of themselves.
They also often fall into relationships with narcissists who have excessive needs for admiration and devotion.
All of this makes the codependent person feel needed, and this feeling is more important than any needs of his own, such as self-confidence or being treated with true love and respect.
Signs that you are not in love but are just dependent on others
1) You do all the giving.
Healthy relationships have a balance between give and take.
You might do something great for your partner today, like cooking a great dinner, and they’ll do something for you tomorrow, like take the kids to karate class.
This also works on emotional give and take.
This week, your partner may be going through a difficult time at work, and you are there to listen and support him. Next week, when your goldfish suddenly dies, she will be there for you to cry over.
But if your relationship is always based on you giving and doing nothing, that’s a big sign that you’re codependent.
think about it.
No matter how difficult it is, you always give them your time, attention and care. Do they ever return the favor?
2) Your partner does all the things.
The other side of the coin, when you are in a codependent relationship, is that the other person is always ready to take your love and affection, take it, and drain it from you.
Let me ask you a direct question: Does this look like love to you?
I know that there are relationships in which one partner has to depend on the other.
I have a friend in the advanced stages of MS. He is wheelchair bound and has to rely heavily on his wife to take care of his physical needs.
The difference is that he didn’t ask for it. They had a love affair before the onset of his condition, and he is not happy about not being able to take care of himself. He really appreciates everything she does for him and tells it to her every day.
This is love.
But if your partner is giving and taking without ever expressing appreciation for what you do for them, that’s a big sign that you’re codependent.
3) You determine your worth by the other person’s needs.
Be honest – what makes you feel good in the relationship you have now?
Most people will say things like that they and their partners make each other happy, wanted, loved, appreciated, seen, and yes, wanted.
But if need is at the top of your list, you may be codependent because that is the hallmark of codependency.
Instead of feeling your value through your positive personality, skills, and strengths, you feel you have value when someone else needs you.
Does this mean that if this person leaves or suddenly no longer needs you, you no longer have any value as a person?
I think anyone can see that this doesn’t really make sense.
Yes, it’s great to feel wanted and needed, but if that’s all you have in your relationship that makes you feel good, it’s probably codependency, not love.
4) She lives in fear of their departure.
I get it.
No one wants love to ever disappear.
I think it’s natural to hope that everything will work out.
True love is meant to stay, so if this is what you have, why are you afraid it will go anywhere?
If you truly live in fear that your partner will leave you, that is a sign of codependency, not love.
This insecurity probably depends on how you value yourself in a relationship.
If you believe that you are not worth anything unless they need you, you are also likely to believe that as soon as your partner finds another way to meet their needs, they will break up.
This could be another person or another place you live, whatever it is, you will feel insecure all the time.
I hate to say it, but that doesn’t sound like love now, does it?
5) You have low self-esteem.
How do you know if you are codependent?
One big sign is that you have low self-esteem.
This means that you measure your worth and constantly find yourself lacking. You feel like your value, worth, and morals are not good enough.
Where does this deep feeling come from?
Most dependent people’s needs were not adequately met as children. This includes the important needs for security, love, and attention.
As they grow older, they often seek these things in unhealthy ways because meeting these needs becomes more important than anything else.
Because they depend on external factors, codependent people develop a sense of self-reliance based on a perceived external locus of control. They develop a strong need for external validation that makes them want to feel needed.
6) You don’t feel able to make good decisions.
I mean you feel unable to make decisions in the context of the relationship.
This ties in with some of the other signs we’ve already seen, such as low self-esteem and a lack of feeling in control.
Why do codependents feel such fear when it comes to making decisions?
First, they lack the self-esteem that helps them believe in their ability to make good choices.
Second, they always want to please their partners, so having to choose for them means risking making the wrong choice and sparking resentment. They are afraid that if they choose wrong, they will not be able to satisfy them.
Finally, they are afraid to choose the right thing only to anger their partner, who wants to take the credit.
For codependent people, there are many perceived risks that can lead to decision paralysis.
When you really love someone, it doesn’t make you feel that way.
You can make decisions just by thinking about choices that might make them happy, but if that doesn’t happen, you can feel secure in the fact that you’ve been motivated by trying to do the right thing by those choices.
7) Your partner is abusive.
Look, obviously if your partner abuses you, he doesn’t really love or value you.
This applies to any type of abuse, whether physical, verbal or emotional.
The American Psychological Association defines abuse as “interactions in which one person acts in a cruel, violent, degrading, or aggressive manner toward another person.”
So, if your partner treats you in any of these ways frequently, he or she is not giving you love and respect.
Conclusion
I know you want to believe it’s love, but it’s not always that easy.
You have to look at your patterns and these 7 signs that you are not in love; You are just dependent on others and decide for yourself.
Just remember that you have true value, and that you deserve true love too!
