Love is all fun and games…until the games get out of control and turn into extreme manipulation.
Silly pranks and inside jokes are nice games to play. Emotional manipulation not so much.
But how do you know if you are being psychologically manipulated? I mean, the point of manipulation is that it’s so subtle that you can barely recognize it, right?
Well, that’s where this article comes in. Are you ready to learn about the 10 psychological games that manipulative people play in a relationship?
Let’s jump!
1) Love bombing
Love bombing is one of the most popular manipulation techniques, probably because it’s so… out there.
Love bombing is not about accuracy. It’s exactly the opposite. This is what happens when you just start dating someone, and their love for you seems too big, too fast, too much.
They shower you with compliments and lavish gifts. They promise you the world. They talk about how excited they are to share their entire life with you. They make you feel like you are on cloud nine because their love is so strong that it can move mountains.
After a few months, they will either completely disappear from your life (“I’m not ready for a relationship yet”) or they will turn into controlling and possessive partners.
So, why did this person claim to love you so much, only to do hurtful things? In short, it’s because they never loved you in a real, authentic way.
It takes time to fall in love properly and build a sense of trust. If the person you started dating a week ago is already telling wonderful tales about marriage and you can hear the wedding bells ringing…
These are not wedding bells. It’s an alarm.
2) Mobility
Micro-navigation is kind of the opposite of love bombing—instead of attacking you with a tsunami of love, your partner continues to withdraw their affection at will, creating a cycle of nerve-racking contradictions.
When someone steals your attention, it means they are literally throwing crumbs of attention at you. Since those crumbs are so rare, you can’t help but worship them as something golden.
Your partner may be very nice to you one day and very cold the next. They might message you non-stop for a week straight and then disappear into thin air for two weeks.
If this sounds familiar, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is consistent, makes the effort, and shows up for you.
You deserve more than a few crumbs.
3) Frowning
When I say the word “silent treatment,” you may not immediately take it as manipulation.
But it is. The silent treatment is a psychological game that places the grouchy partner in a position of power and the other partner in a confused, uncertain, and tense psychological state.
“What’s wrong? Can we talk about it?”
“nothing.” (He starts banging the kitchen cabinets, looking hurt and angry, and wanders around the house like a time bomb.)
Instead of frowning, try talking about your feelings. If you’re not ready to share your thoughts yet or if you’re too angry to have a calm discussion, all you have to do is say so. “Look, I’m so upset right now, can we talk about this later?”
This is a much better way to do it than putting your partner on a break.
4) Testing
When I was younger, I used to quiz my ex all the time. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but looking back, I often played this kind of psychological game as a form of self-sabotage.
If I was worried that my partner would eventually turn away from me and feel cold and distant, I would pester him aggressively, testing how far I could push him before he ran away.
If I wanted to reassure him while I was crying after the fight, I told him to leave me alone just to see if he would stay.
Of course, my testing games rarely ended well, which only confirmed to me that my deepest fears were correct and that the relationship was doomed from the start.
Testing is a psychological game that hurts both the tester and the person conducting the test. I have since learned to express my concerns and work through them with my partners instead of playing mind games.
5) Gas lighting
Most people are familiar with the term “gaslighting,” but what does it actually mean?
Gaslighting occurs when someone makes you doubt your perception of reality. Your partner may tell you that you remember things wrong, that your feelings aren’t valid, or that, in some weird and twisted way, his or her hurtful actions are actually your fault.
Unfortunately, some gaslighters are very good at what they do, so it’s not hard to fall into their trap. It happens to the best of us.
But now that you know what gaslighting is and how it works, you’re better able to recognize it when it happens and protect yourself from it.
6) Play a barter game
I once dated someone who took everything he did for me and used it against me.
He said, “Look, you’ve done X, Y, and Z. Meanwhile, you’ve only done X. Don’t you love me enough?”
We broke up soon after.
Relationships are not a business. It should be a safe place where you can freely express your love and where you believe your partner loves you too, and where you both make an effort to grow your love and connection.
If someone plays quid pro quo, it either means their love is not as pure as they think or they are manipulative.
7) Excessive assistance
Sometimes, your partner may care about your safety too much and fuss over you when you’d rather be left alone. A little communication solves the problem.
But sometimes, over-helping — doing unnecessary tasks that should be yours, completing things for you before you think to do them, helping you with everything and anything — can be a psychological game.
This is because over-helping places the helper in a position of power and puts the helper in a position of forced helplessness. It promotes unhealthy codependency and a feeling of overdependence on the romantic relationship.
As you can probably tell, it’s not… great. Respect is an inherent part of any healthy relationship, and respect goes hand-in-hand with giving your partner enough credit to develop their sense of independence.
8) Learned helplessness
Learned helplessness is the opposite side of the same coin. This happens when you learn to depend on your partner so much that you give up trying to be independent.
Let’s say your partner is always cooking. As a result, you do not feel any need to cook, even though it is a basic skill that every person should learn, and therefore completely depend on your partner’s cooking schedule.
The feeling of helplessness you slip into can be extremely manipulative because it forces your partner to take on the role of parent, take on more tasks than they should and feel responsible for another adult.
9) Triangulation
Imagine that you and your partner are having an argument. Suddenly, they called their mother and brought her into the room, saying, “See? Even my mother agreed! Just admit you’re wrong!”
Drawing another person into a dispute that should remain between two people is a manipulative tactic called triangulation. It puts pressure on one person by rallying more people against them, making it difficult for them to argue their point of view.
If you and your partner ever quarrel, try to work it out between you. If you want to involve a third party, make sure your partner agrees to this in advance.
10) Unearthing the past
While we are on the subject of disagreements, these disagreements – and this is quite understandable – are fertile ground for psychological games. This happens when both partners are at their most emotional and therefore most vulnerable to manipulation.
Digging up the past is one example of this. While Partner A may raise legitimate concerns about Partner B never doing the dishes, Partner B may try to shift blame and distort the situation by saying, “What, like you always do that? Remember last year when The place is a mess because you never cleaned yourself?
The thing is, last year doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is the here and now.
