I’m often asked, “Why do narcissists go back to their old relationships?” I can assure you that there is one type of narcissist who almost always comes back. I call them “recyclers.”
Recyclers can be men or women. What they have in common is that they tend to cycle through the same group of lovers over and over again. Unlike many narcissists, people with this love style tend to avoid confrontation, and value being with someone predictable more than the novelty of a new conquest. I think of them as “serial monogamists.”
While they are with someone, they are loyal; But as soon as they get bored or narcissistically injured, they move on to the next available person in their group. Over time, they accumulate a group of indulgent lovers who repeatedly want them back. If no one pulls out, this pattern can continue indefinitely.
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Eventually, most lovers realize that there are others in the group, but they either resign themselves to the situation or have their own reasons for accepting it.
Why are recyclers moving forward?
If recyclers value predictability and monogamy, you might wonder why they move forward at all. The answer is that they suffer from the same problems as other people with narcissistic personality adaptations (I prefer the word “adaptation” to “disorder”):
- Narcissists lack “object constancy.”
Object constancy is a psychological term that refers to the ability to maintain positive feelings about someone, including yourself, while feeling frustrated, hurt, angry, or disappointed with that person. It also includes the ability to maintain your emotional connection with someone when they are not physically present. Lack of stability is one of the hallmarks of personality disorder.
Since recyclers lack object constancy, when they develop narcissism from their current lover, they lose all positive feelings toward that person. Instead of staying and trying to solve the problem, they simply leave and move on to one of the other lovers in their group. And as each lover, in turn, disappoints or angers them, they keep moving on again and again.
- People are interchangeable.
Narcissists often see people, even those they profess to love, as interchangeable. As a beautiful narcissistic woman once said to me: “If he doesn’t give me what I want, I can always find someone else who will.”
Another man told me very frankly, “People are like hamburgers or tissues to me. I need them for what they can do for me. Most of what people call ‘love’ I consider comfort.”
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- They have a low level of empathy
The reason recyclers get ahead so easily is because they don’t care about the feelings of the other people involved. They cannot imagine anyone’s pain but their own. If they thought about it, they would simply say to themselves one of the following, “If they cared about me staying, they wouldn’t (fill in the blank)” or “They deserved it.” If the partner makes an emotional display after the recycler announces that he or she is moving somewhere else, he or she may say to himself, “What’s all this fuss about?” - If their status rises, they may decide to “promote” partners.
Because people are interchangeable with narcissists and lack empathy, some choose a new set of lovers when their situation changes for the better. They want someone on their arm that reflects their new, higher status. Think of the rock stars who seem to be marrying younger versions of the same blonde woman.
