It’s difficult to spot a narcissist in the early stages of a relationship, because narcissistic abuse may not be apparent until you’re actually in love.
Breaking up with a narcissist is also difficult — when you start to recognize the signs of narcissism — as you may have felt defeated or even feel trapped with that person.
Many people have relationships with narcissists. Once you escape from it, you begin to realize the extent of what you have been through.
Related: How To Prevent Raising A Narcissist?
When you started your relationship, you probably did not recognize the traits of a narcissist.
You’ve met the person of your dreams – charming, intelligent, romantic, attentive, with amazing chemistry, and a great lover. You’ve probably been told how amazing you are, how this is the first time your lover has felt this way and enjoyed this level of connection, and you felt like you were truly seeing him for the first time.
Maybe there was a nagging worry that all of this was happening too quickly — and that he couldn’t possibly feel this way about you without knowing you better. But you were swept off your feet and finally decided to open your heart.
Perhaps confusion then set in, as your lover withdrew and became critical. Or maybe it started after you got married and found yourself with a partner who was completely different from the one you fell in love with.
Whether your relationship was two months, two years, or two decades old, it was likely turbulent, confusing, and painful. If you get married and then divorce, it can be more painful or even scary.
There is a lot of healing you can do if you love a narcissist.
Here are 3 ways you need to heal from narcissistic abuse after breaking up with a narcissist:
- Allow yourself to grieve
First, you must be very compassionate with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the devastating loss of what you had hoped for. It may seem easier to judge yourself for big mistakes you think you’ve made, but self-judgment will keep you stuck. There is no possibility of healing when you judge yourself.
Every time sadness comes, embrace it gently and take care of yourself. Even though you know it’s best to end the relationship, it’s difficult to let go of the intensity of a relationship with a narcissist.
It’s hard to imagine a future relationship that isn’t boring compared to the intensity you’ve been experiencing.
Related: 4 Ways Kids Become TOTAL Narcissistic Jerks (& How To Prevent It!)
- Find out what made you vulnerable to them
Once some of the grief has subsided, it is time to go inward and explore why you are hurting this person. Was your partner giving you what you weren’t giving yourself?
Did your partner see and value you the way you want to see and value yourself? Did you ignore some red flags because you wanted everything to be right?
Have you made excuses for your narcissistic partner to avoid facing the truth? Have you given up on trying to control making your partner love you again?
What did you sacrifice to maintain the relationship? Your integrity, your financial security, your time with family and/or friends, your time for yourself, your inner knowing?
It is very important to be honest with yourself so that you do not end up feeling like a victim of narcissistic abuse, and so that you are less likely to repeat it in a future relationship.
During this time of self-reflection, it is very important to get support. You may want to go to therapy/facilitation or join a support group.
- Discover the truth about narcissism
Educate yourself about narcissism. There are many books, websites, and articles dedicated to understanding narcissism. Since I’m sure you don’t want this to happen again, you need to do everything you can to find out what happened.
For example, a woman I know told me that she met a man six years ago, dated him a few times, and then remained distant friends.
Recently, when she was in his city, they saw each other and she was very attracted to him. He came on strong and invited her to join him on an upcoming European vacation. She felt uncomfortable, but after a day she texted him to see if he wanted to have dinner with her. He never responded to the invitation.
It only took her twenty-four hours to recognize these two red flags of narcissism—they come strong and then they go away. She was glad she found out so soon! Instead of beating herself up for being attracted to another narcissist, she congratulated herself for remaining open to the truth.
Since narcissists are often very attractive, any of us could be attracted. But whether you pursue it or not depends on how much internal threading work you’ve done.
Related: 6 Telltale Signs You’re Involved With A Narcissist
