There is something deeply ingrained in all of us that requires us to end. We need it when we quit our job, face death, have a fight with our best friend, and especially if we loved someone and the relationship ended. Closure can be a healthy conversation about why we behaved the way we did, or it can give us answers about the reasons for bad behavior. It gives us insight into what went wrong so that we can learn from our mistakes.
After my divorce, I fell madly in love with a man, but the relationship ended very sadly. One day we were having brunch, sipping mimosas, and the next day we literally broke up because I found out about his cheating. I needed to know why, when, how, and how often—I needed answers to help me figure out where I went wrong. I asked for a meeting with him as soon as the emails and texts were over (yes, I can get a little grumpy), and he agreed to the meeting.
I expected him to apologize, explain why he did what he did, and shed light on why he didn’t love me the way I thought he did. But all I really got from our meeting were some blank looks from him, and very little explanation. He said something like, “Lindsey, that’s the way it is. I’m not sure why I did that.”
I left our meeting with more questions than answers, just feeling numb to the lack of information.
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So how did I end this extremely traumatic event in my life? It didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it probably took me a year. But by empowering myself with knowledge from other experts, I learned this:
I had to forgive him. This meant writing him a letter I had never sent, telling him I forgave him.
His actions did not define who I was, but who he was.
Our relationship has given me a valuable lesson about what not to do. And you know what? I never dated that kind of person again.
The desire for closure gave him all the strength of my feelings. Instead, I accepted the fact that I would never get closure, and for some strange reason, this gave me closure.
If you still need closure from a narcissist in your life, think about why you need it. Then write down exactly what you want him to say to you, as if he were sitting in front of you. When you write it all down, you may discover that you’re giving him access to your heart, your feelings, and your mental clarity. Why does he deserve such acceptance? no!
