Why You Should Stop Trying To Change The Malignant Narcissist

A narcissist will intentionally harm others in pursuit of their selfish desires, but may and will in some circumstances show remorse for doing so, while a malignant narcissist will harm others and enjoy doing so, showing little sympathy or remorse for the harm done to them. caused.” – John D

I am so grateful to the many people who have told me that my book The Human Magnet Syndrome was life changing. Having such a positive impact on the human condition is my teenage son’s “will change the world” dream come true. I couldn’t be happier!

My book was written to inspire and motivate people to understand their role in the dysfunctional dance that has been so irresistibly drawn into their entire lives. It was not written for use as a defensive or offensive strategy in dealing with pathological narcissists (PNarcs).

The designations “codependency” and “narcissism” in Human Magnet Syndrome are designed to identify a personal and relational problem so serious that the reader is eager to get help to disengage from it. The book was never intended as a revenge weapon for use by angry, vindictive, and/or controlling people, or what I now refer to as individuals with Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD).

Likewise, it was not written to be used as a countermeasure against narcissistic abuse.

Related: 3 Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

Simply stating my writing on PNarc is always counterproductive, as it will always lead to a negative reaction, no matter how much you think otherwise. I strongly suggest that you don’t give a copy of my book to PNarc. never!

It will almost always lead to a narcissistic injury and result in a passive interaction, or a choreography, where the PNarc has complete control and the person with self-love deficit disorder does not.

If PNarc knows or is told that their partner is reading my book, they will react in one of two ways:

  1. They will display various forms of vengeful and indignant rage, publicly forcing them to bully, manipulate and thus sabotage their partner’s attempt to recover SLDD.
  2. This is the most insidious and damaging reaction that covert and malignant narcissists engage in. In this scenario, PNarc is secretly carrying out a plan of subversion and disempowerment, which may include gaslighting, mind manipulation, and constant brainwashing.

The latter is more dangerous as the PNarc is allowed to maintain the role of the victim while manipulating their partner into thinking they have problems, not them. In these cases, some of my clients, at the beginning of treatment, are convinced they are PNarc and their significant others are SLD.

Believe it or not, quite a few client PNarcs read my book, then gave it to their partner in their constant brainwashing narrative that they are their “co-dependent” and their “narcissistic” partner.

Plain and simple, any suggestion that the narcissist is wrong will result in narcissistic injury. Giving them my book, or pointing at it, telling them you’re SLD or co-dependent, is and will cause them to react in one of two ways.

First, they will highlight to you that you are a narcissist and codependent; Or, secondly, they will be triggered by a narcissistic injury, and therefore angry at you for the comment or suggestion. You will be the target of their unbridled wrath and barbs, and they will punish you.

Related: Why Are Codependents Not Taken Seriously? Taking the Joke Out of Codependency

The following excerpt from Human Magnet Syndrome illustrates the predictable negative response PNarcs have to my work.
“According to their verbal and/or written feedback, they feel the seminar is offensive, ill-considered, biased, and even ridiculous. In particular, they are deeply disturbed by what they perceive as bias. These participants hear me that codependents are the victims and emotional manipulators are perpetrators of their dysfunctional relationships.

Nothing could be further from the truth, because the coaching (and this book) detail how both the mutual manipulator and the emotional manipulator are willing magnets to “dance” their dysfunctional self. The tendency of a codependent person to find and stay with harmful partners cannot and should not be blamed on emotional manipulators, or vice versa.

It appears that the intense reactions from my audience are most likely the product of a narcissistic injury, which occurs when the narcissistic individual feels criticized, judged, or defeated. Anger and defensiveness are common reactions of the emotionally manipulated narcissist, feeling humiliated, degraded, and/or humiliated when confronted about his or her wrongdoings.” (Rosenberg, 2013).

Depending on the PNarc’s subtype or diagnosis, their narcissistic anger will be delivered directly (“in your face”) or passive-aggressive/subtle, which is a common strategy of covert narcissists and malignant narcissists.

The covert, passive-aggressive form of narcissistic injury is more harmful than the overt narcissist’s garden-variety reactions. They deal maximum damage to the triggered (activated) SLD due to the invisible, covert, and manipulative nature of their counterattack. Examples include triangulating family, friends or co-workers, in order to further the narrative of the victims.

Sadly, ironically, the mere fact of struggling for what people with learning disabilities want and need most — unconditional love, respect, and care (LRC) — causes them to lose it. Once in a relationship with a PNarc, any attempts to control or coerce the narcissist into loving, respecting, and caring for their SLD are quickly compensated with a dizzying array of self-serving, manipulative countermeasures.

These come in different forms, depending on the PNarc subgenre. Unfortunately, as long as co-dependents fight for the LRC in such a way as to render it powerless and ineffective, they are virtually guaranteed never to receive it.

I learned 22 years ago that setting boundaries, resolving conflict, and standing up for myself from PNarc was a complex and dangerous endeavor that left me feeling worse than I did before the ordeal. I was surprised to learn that my repeated and unsuccessful attempts to control PNarc’s neglectful and harmful treatment were the primary interactive components of our relationship.

My behavior was so automatic and reflexive that I was completely oblivious to it. To make matters worse, the only predictable outcome of my coercion to control was shame, loneliness, anxiety, and anger.

We should learn that PNarcs is never the main problem. Instead, it is the SLD’s distorted and delusional belief system that forces them to keep trying to change and control their PNarc partner, who has a great deal of not allowing you to succeed. Despite ample evidence that SLDs can rarely effectively and consistently control PNarcs, they persist blindly.

Related: 7 Phrases Used By Covert Narcissists That Reveal Who They Are