You know it’s coming. You feel the knot in your stomach tighten, your heart rate increases, and your face flushes. Before you know it, you’re fighting with your partner again.
Maybe you are experiencing narcissistic abuse and have a lot of pent-up anger about their behavior. Maybe you let the little things pile up for too long.
You argue that they want to upgrade their car, even though it only has 48,000 miles on it. You’ve had this discussion several times, and when you get into it again, you suddenly announce that you’re also angry with them over a series of other things.
You resent that time they didn’t support you in saying no to the kids, and the way they came home late five nights in a row last month. You also haven’t gotten over your anger from that vacation in the Bahamas when they worked too much, or from their frequent nights out with friends and what you consider to be obsessive use of social media.
This car fight makes you unleash all your pent-up anger and emotions at once.
This type of emotional outpouring is called “Gunnysacking.”
Figuratively speaking, you’ve been bagging every resentment in a secret emotional bag, saving it to unleash on your partner later. It may be nice to dump everything out of your metaphorical bag of rage, but stealing money is a form of emotional and narcissistic abuse — and it won’t help your relationship or lead to the development of a healthier sense of self.
Related: 3 Mind Games All Narcissistic Men Play In Relationships
In his book Introduction to Psychology, Gateways to Mind and Behavior, social psychologist Dennis Kunz, Ph.D., explains that “deception refers to the maintenance of feelings and complaints.”
Once you open that bag, it will be difficult to know how to control your emotions.
One consequence of gun theft is emotional flooding, which can be the hardest thing to deal with.
This happens when cortisol (stress hormone) levels rise and your heart rate increases, leaving you feeling disconnected and exhausted.
Adrian Heart, MA, MFT, ATR, of One Heart Counseling Center, says, “This is because your ability for insight is located in the prefrontal cortex. When you are overwhelmed by emotions, the limbic system is activated, which is responsible for emotions and survival.”
In other words, it’s difficult to easily and rationally navigate a highly charged exchange with your partner when an emotional flood occurs.
It’s like trying to talk while underwater. You may catch a word here and there, but productive communication is greatly compromised.
Why does gunnysacking happen?
It’s usually because one or both people in the relationship are holding on to pent-up resentment and anger due to a lack of communication.
In more extreme cases, one partner may suffer from narcissistic abuse and feel that they cannot express their feelings.
If you want to prevent a breakdown in your relationship, here are five ways to do so.
- Pay attention to your feelings
Psychologist Daniel Goleman, an expert in emotional intelligence, explains, “[If] we can bring this buildup into our awareness, we gain a mental foothold that allows us to stop what can become a destructive emotional hijack.”
When you choose to be aware of your behavior, and notice the things that you allow to hijack your good mood, you can reduce graft by dealing with grievances as they arise.
Related: Narcissist, I Forgot To Tell You Something
- Plan a “relationship review” once a week
Schedule a weekly review where you and your partner can discuss your thoughts and feelings regarding each other’s behaviors. This allows you to talk about your marital problems, giving you the opportunity to be heard before throwing your feelings into a burlap sack.
This will also teach you how to communicate better, which is essential for all healthy relationships.
The relationship review should be 20 to 45 minutes long, with five minutes allowed to discuss next steps. Like clearing open tabs on your laptop, close each topic with mutual agreement and satisfaction. This is especially crucial for those who avoid conflict or “procrastinators” who have not developed the communication skills to deal with those thorny topics.
- Choose to feel good, not right
Although it may seem simple, it can be somewhat difficult for people once they open the burlap bag.
In this case, the best relationship advice we can give is to pause and zoom out, like looking through the lens of a wide-angle camera. Even though your argument is logical, rational, and based on absolute truth, resist the urge to argue. Just pause, zoom out.
Then ask this question: “What is the desired outcome now?” This question is great because it organically brings a much-needed pause.
If the desired outcome is to remain in conflict or perhaps break up, then do it. But if you want to feel good, have chemistry, and establish a meaningful connection, you both need to take turns answering the question with warning. Both of you will agree to work out a solution if you respect their position, forgive and forget, and commit to not pushing the problem into the burlap sack.
- Seek couples therapy
Marriage counseling or couples therapy will help you develop healthy communication styles, including understanding your Myers-Briggs personality preferences.
It takes at least 17 days to change an unwanted habit or behavior. In less than three weeks, you can probably put an end to those “fighting” words.
Additionally, seeking couples therapy can teach you how to be a better husband or how to be a better wife.
- Take a three-step timeout
If you’re in the middle of a burlap storm and can’t get out, take a break.
Step 1: During your weekly relationship review, agree that if one of you is about to break down, you will raise your hands in a “time-out” position. This will indicate that you need to stop. Most likely, anything that comes out of either of your mouths will be unproductive and may spark long-term regret and resentment. This is when the heart rate rises and discussions are ineffective.
Step 2: Think about what happened during the relationship review. Agree that you will return to the discussion by choosing not only to be open but also to seek closure to the discussion.
Step 3: Reconnect after your time is up. Change your environment from where the weapon looting first occurred. Take a walk and come back to the conversation later. Neuroscientists have found that the brain’s “ability to form new neural connections and rewire itself based in part on environmental exposure” will increase overall brain health. the win.
By incorporating these five steps, you will have kept burnout out of your relationship, improved communication, eliminated resentment, and learned how to control your emotions.
