Sometimes letting go of the pain is the hardest. Ending a relationship is always painful and it’s normal to grieve the end of a relationship. But what if that relationship was completely toxic? However, it is a loss, and grieving the loss of that relationship is normal, no matter how much of a toxic relationship it was.

Are you reading this because you’re wondering why you’re grieving the end of your toxic relationship, and perhaps feeling a loss because of it?

You must be very happy. You just escaped from a toxic relationship, after all this time of suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself sad. I bet it’s so confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I think understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a huge step toward letting go of the pain and moving on.

Here are 5 reasons why you may suffer from sadness

To that end, here are the reasons why you might experience grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to deal with it so you can move on and be happy.

You thought things were fixable.
Many of my clients tell me that they won’t walk away from their abusive relationships because they don’t quit.

They truly believe that if they love their person enough if they stand by them despite the abusive behaviors, they will change and be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of a breakup, and you’re sad that you weren’t able to fix it, or the relationship. You may feel like you have let everyone down. You may even feel abandoned by your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you try, your person is not fixable unless they want to fix it. And maybe you’re sad about the fact — that you can’t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you more than sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. Nobody can change someone who doesn’t want to change. You did not fail. You can’t make any change on your own, no matter how hard you try to do it.

You blame yourself.
One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start blaming ourselves for everything that goes wrong.

I have a client whose husband had an affair with one of their employees. For three years my client told her husband to kick his lover out and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was by her side and rightfully so.

The thing is, her husband did an amazing job of making her feel like their issues were her fault. He says if she lets it go, they can be happy again. That she has no sympathy for this other woman’s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? He is not lying to her but she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, and the spotlight on him, she questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for the cause of your toxic relationship? Do you think if you could be a little nicer or give him more attention or just have sex with him when he wants you everything would be fine?

If the answer is yes, then stop. Your person was making your life difficult, and while you may have played a part in the situation, I can promise you that it’s not entirely your fault.

You feel lonely and bored.
I know it’s very hard when you’re grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you think you’ll never be happy again. At the moment, it seems impossible. But I would also argue that much of your grief comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, go out to dinner with, mess with, or just hang out with during their down time. And now you do not have this person.

For many people, when they are still sad after a breakup, they stop doing things. They don’t feel like doing things because they feel depressed about the breakup but they are also not used to doing things without their person so they don’t do anything at all. As a result, they get bored, lonely, spend a lot of time thinking about their ex, and get sad.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself occupied. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks made her day brighter, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, the obsession was sucking the life out of her!

I know it’s hard and you don’t feel like doing this but now is the time to act on it. Facetime with friends, read books, get fit, learn something new, watch rom-com with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not get bored.

Honestly, you may not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think, and your continued engagement may prove to be true!

You thought you were soulmates.
Do you think that the relationship you share with your person is unlike any other? That the intense passion and connection you share can’t compare to anyone else’s relationship and that it’s a waste to give it up?

Let me tell you, everyone feels this way about their relationship, especially toxic ones because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble, but while your love for this person may be strong, it is not the ultimate love in the world, and giving them up will not be the end of your love for you.

I mean, how can someone who hurts you over and over again be your soul mate? Really how can they?

If you can accept that your abuser is not your soulmate (even if you feel that way at first), you are more likely to find a connection that is real, wonderful, and magical.

I did.

You give up on dreams of the future.
I have a client who was once abused a lot and eventually made the decision to leave. For her, she saw her family die at that moment. She saw that her dreams of grandchildren and a healthy family coming home and growing up with someone were dashed, perhaps forever. And she thought she might be alone forever, and she’d never love or be loved again.

Here are 5 reasons why you may suffer from sadness

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