Borderline personality disorder and narcissism are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is complex trauma.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is characterized by a variety of negative symptoms that affect a person’s ability to remain present and calm in the world. In the case of a narcissist, their false sense of self-worth largely protects them from this internal turmoil.

Those with borderline personality disorder are not so fortunate. They suffer the full weight of complex trauma, which manifests in the following ways:

Emotional Flashbacks

The traumatized child is engulfed in a constant torrent of negative emotions. A flood of shame, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, despair, self-loathing, and other feelings constantly simmers beneath the surface, controlled by subtle triggers.

These emotional flashbacks are a key feature of complex PTSD. When activated, they pull the traumatized individual back to the past, causing them to shrink and regress to a childlike state. They become insecure, highly sensitive to stress, easily angered, or silent and unable to express themselves. They may feel ashamed and withdraw from the world. They may become numb and find it difficult to concentrate or communicate with others.

Painful memories are so insidious that it’s hard to even realize they’re experiencing them. Simply put, one begins to feel, think, see, and act differently, usually only realizing it long after the trauma has occurred.

Dissociation

For a child experiencing trauma, reality is often an incomprehensible nightmare. As the pressure mounts, the child dissociates from reality and drifts into a world of fantasy. In this other world, the child can escape their pain while imagining a “better” life. Dissociation provides comfort, a way to numb the turmoil emanating from within.

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But the price a child pays for this coping strategy is high. The child may suffer memory impairment or even amnesia, unable to recall details of their day or even their entire childhood. A child in dissociation often struggles to grasp the nuances of their surroundings, remaining naive about what’s happening in the world, which can lead to significant developmental delays.

Difficulty Concentrating

Trauma and emotional distress are highly distracting. This naturally leads to an inability to concentrate, as a traumatized child experiences constant inner turmoil and anxiety. Trauma also affects brain development and is a major contributing factor to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Impulsiveness

A person experiencing trauma, unable to fully control their emotions, may resort to risky behaviors such as unsafe sex, drug use, gambling, overeating, reckless driving, or excessive spending and materialism in an attempt to manage their feelings. Traumatized individuals are also more prone to addiction.

Persistent Anxiety

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) constantly activates the fight-or-flight response, causing debilitating anxiety. A person experiencing trauma feels a constant need to do something or work toward a future goal. They may engage in rumination and compulsive talking to distract themselves from their feelings. They may find it difficult to sleep, as anxiety impairs their ability to relax.

Those with trauma experience a constant sense of impending danger. They overthink and are consumed by “what if?” thoughts.

Extremely Divided

A child with trauma sees the world in black and white. People are either a threat or an unparalleled source of pleasure. The world is either wonderful and rich or terrifying and frightening. There is no middle ground, no nuance in the child’s reality.

With this overwhelming chaos that grips someone with borderline personality disorder, it’s easy to understand how they struggle to perform daily tasks, let alone remember what happened.

A Disturbed World

A person without complex trauma typically has a continuous experience of their inner self, remembers most of what they’ve been through, and has a stable identity that gradually develops over time.

Those with borderline personality disorder, however, experience extreme emotional turmoil and instability. They constantly shift from euphoria to fear to depression, then back to joy. Sometimes they feel powerful and self-satisfied, and at other times they imagine themselves to be the most insignificant creatures on earth. Their impulsiveness propels them from one “adventure” to another, destabilizing their lives or negatively impacting their ability to create continuity and stability. Countless triggers drive them into a torrent of negative emotions. And on top of all that, they drift between detachment from and return to reality constantly without realizing it.

Dissociation_in_Rescue

Complex trauma is incredibly painful and debilitating. Debilitating anxiety, a torrent of shame, a critical voice constantly judging and berating you, and an inability to recognize yourself in the moment—all of this is truly terrifying.

With a constant flow of panic, sadness, anger, and guilt, the pressure of complex trauma is immense. Fortunately, the mind has a release valve known as dissociation.

When a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) dissociates from reality, they become completely immersed in fantasy and illusions. They are barely aware of what is happening in the world around them. They slip seamlessly between this imaginary world and reality with little to no awareness. They can barely distinguish between the imaginary and the real world.

But when a person with BPD dissociates from reality, the real world remains present, along with the people in it. So how does the mind cope with the resulting gaps in memory?

The Need to Be “Normal”

Everyone has a desire to belong, to be seen as an accepted member of a group, to be “normal.” While detachment from reality is smooth, the mind recognizes gaps in memory. When someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) interacts with others in their life, their mind fills these gaps through fabrication. That is, they create an alternative reality that they completely believe.

People with BPD may lie in some situations, as everyone does. But when there are gaps in their memory that need filling, they don’t lie; they tell a fictional story that they believe. It’s a fundamental process of organization for them to feel and be seen as normal and well-adjusted.

In severe cases of childhood trauma, the entire childhood of someone with BPD may become a blank slate, with only random images surfacing when they try to recall it. However, when asked about their childhood, they might “fill the gap” by saying it was a wonderful childhood and that their parents were good people. This is especially common among individuals with borderline personality disorder who are just beginning their journey of self-awareness.

The Need to Be “Good”

One of the coping mechanisms for complex trauma is dissociation, where a painful experience is turned into its opposite.

A person with borderline personality disorder might mask feelings of shame and guilt by projecting grandeur and claiming to be amazing. Due to their emotional instability, they might idolize someone they depend on for stability, desperately needing to believe that this person is “perfect” and will never abandon them. The first casualty of this dissociation process is reality.

This intense yearning for “perfection” is fulfilled through fantasy. As a result, reality is denied, and projection is used to mask the harsh truth. A person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who idolizes a loved one will overlook all their flaws and mistakes while clinging to their projected idealized image. When this begins to crumble and reality is revealed, the person with BPD will flip to the other side of the divide and distort the image of their loved one by projecting hatred and anger onto them. In both cases, the person with BPD is in denial of reality. Even when a person with BPD “reminisces” about good times, these memories are often figments of their imagination, tainted by projections.

Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may also apply dissociation to themselves. When their emotional distress leads to excessive aggression, they attempt to cope with the horrific nature of their actions by masking and exaggerating them, believing their actions are justified.

During their aggressive behaviors, individuals with BPD often disconnect from reality, as if leaving their bodies and viewing their actions from an external perspective. Add to this their emotional turmoil, trauma, and fragmented sense of self, and the volatile nature of memory in BPD becomes clear.

The inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy, between accurate memories and delusions, can be terrifying. However, there is hope. They can seek psychotherapy, practice meditation, and focus on the present moment by regulating their breathing.

Reality is a relative concept for each of us. With perseverance and practice, people with borderline personality disorder can gently bring themselves back from the extreme end of the spectrum, where no one really knows what is real and what is not, yet everyone is able to function and thrive nonetheless.