Do you have friendships that bring you more stress than joy? you are not alone.
The sad truth is that we are all surrounded, at least in part, by toxic friendships.
According to a recent study published in PLOS One, only about 50% of the average person’s friendships go both ways.
This means that out of all the people you consider your friends, only half of them feel the same way about you.
Yet, we continue to persist in toxic friendships in all areas and stages of our lives, no matter how young or old we are.
So what makes a friendship toxic, and why do so many friendships sour but survive?
In this article, we discuss everything there is to know about toxic friendships – why we deal with them, how to recognize them, and when we know it’s time to end the charade.
#What is a toxic friendship?
A toxic friendship can seem like an oxymoron – friendship is supposed to enrich your life, while anything toxic is a source of unhealthy and unhappiness.
But many of us live with toxic friends, whether we realize it or not, and find ourselves simply unable to get out of the relationship.
Friendship, at its core, is an agreement between two people.
No matter how important friendship is in your life, there should be a balance, where both individuals give and take equal effort and satisfaction from the relationship.
But toxic friends give people the opposite of satisfaction. They put pressure on us and make things more difficult than they need to be.
These are the friends who drain us more than they lift us and make us regret the time we spend with them.
#Characteristics of a toxic friend
No one grows up wanting to be a source of negative energy.
Oftentimes, a person’s toxic behavior is a byproduct of certain personality traits or traits that he or she has carried and nurtured throughout his or her life.
Some of these characteristics include:
1) Self-absorption
What they’re thinking: “I’m just being cruel in a dog-eat-dog world.”
Why it happens: No one told them no while growing up. They don’t know how to prioritize others and put themselves in the back seat.
How it manifests itself: They will not offer to help others unless they can get something from them. But they will never help others out of the goodness of their hearts.
2) Not safe
What they’re thinking: “I’m just competitive.”
Why this happens: They have major insecurity issues and are uncomfortable with something about themselves – their body, their intelligence, their achievements, or anything else.
How it manifests itself: They belittle their friends and always belittle them in different ways. When someone else says something good about them, they’ll have to counter it with their own story, whether it’s true or not.
3) Myopia
Their take on it: “I just like to live in the moment.”
Why it happens: Even if they are incredibly smart, toxic people cannot see very far into the future. This is why they become bitter, irritable, and resentful over small things that have nothing to do with them.
How it manifests itself: They will turn on their closest friends if they see a way that benefits them. They will gossip, lie, hold grudges, and bully because they care too much about what’s happening now instead of thinking long-term.
#Recognizing a toxic friendship – signs of a toxic friend
The biggest barrier people face when identifying toxic friendships in their lives is doubt.
Our first instinct is to naturally see the good in our friends, so when we think we see behavior that we think is toxic, we are the first to defend them — “Oh, they’re just having a bad day,” and “They’d be nicer.” Next time”.
To properly identify a toxic friendship, it’s best to look around yourself first. Here are three steps to recognize a toxic friendship by looking outward:
1) Observe others: See how your toxic friend behaves towards others. Are they doing the same toxic behavior to them that they do to you?
2) Ask those around you: If you see that they are toxic to others, it is time to ask. Ask your mutual friends if they feel the same way.
3) Look at them: Does your potentially toxic friend have many long-term relationships? Do they often complain about others, and do they struggle to maintain friends, family, and romantic partners?
#Common signs of a toxic friend include:
1) They sabotage even their closest friends by killing their time and energy by getting involved in pointless drama of their own making.
2) They exclude friends from groups because they prefer certain friends over others, despite the seniority of the friendship.
3) They never acknowledge their friends’ achievements, but they always talk about their own.
4) They will use people to get new friends, then forget about the initial friend. This is known as triangulation.
5) They like to play the victim, and always make sure that they face most difficulties in their social group.
6) They project their toxic behavior onto those around them, making it difficult for their friends to truly recognize their behavior because they end up blaming themselves.
7) They know when to act nice, so their friends don’t accuse them of being toxic. When others are around, their behavior will be exemplary.
8) If their friends confront them, they will paint their friends as the toxic instigators, when they were the victim all along.
9) They cannot empathize and will change the subject or not pay attention if a friend is opening up to them.
10) They will make questionable comments that hurt those around them but are not obvious enough to be considered an insult.
#The psychological impact of toxic friendships, and why we keep toxic friends
If you suspect you may be in a toxic friendship, it’s important to take it seriously rather than reject it.
The more frequently you interact with your suspected toxic friends, the more important it is to recognize them and remove them from your life if necessary.
The psychological impact of having a toxic friend can seriously impact your life.
People who allow toxic friendships to continue in their lives usually suffer from self-esteem issues.
Instead of confronting the source of their stress and mental exhaustion, they reflect on the reasons why they allowed their toxic friendship to continue, simply to avoid confronting the problem directly.
Some of the most common excuses for keeping toxic friends include:
1) Longevity of friendship
Your excuse: “I’ve been friends with them since we were kids. They’re not as bad as you think.”
How they benefit from this: They play the “kid” card whenever you try to confront them, talking about old times and reminiscing.
Most of the toxic friends we keep are people we’ve been friends with since childhood. Maybe you played with them in the park, or maybe you were best friends in middle school.
But for one reason or another, they’re not the same nice person you grew up with.
Their life has taken many negative turns, and now they are gaslighting you and their other close friends.
However, you feel a kind of loyalty towards them, simply because you have known them for a long time, so you cannot bear to end the relationship.
2) Potential positive networking opportunities
Your excuse: “I know he’s an idiot, but I don’t want to burn this bridge. They probably know someone.”
How they benefit: They pin the potential of their network on you, promising to introduce you to “the right person” to advance your career.
Just because you’re not the toxic person in the friendship doesn’t mean you don’t have your own best interests in mind.
There are some people with whom we maintain friendships simply because we enjoy the convenience of socializing with them. Maybe they have the right contacts you need for your career, or maybe they are a valued member of your community.
This is when you have to make a decision: Does the benefit of being their friend outweigh the negativity they bring to my life?
There is also a situation where they may be part of your social circles, so you don’t want to stop being friends with them or else you might cause an uncomfortable and embarrassing rift that the rest of your friends will have to deal with.
3) You still sincerely believe in friendship
No excuses, no fake reasons.
The truth is, with so many friendships showing signs of toxicity, we often have to decide to persevere in toxic friendships simply because we know this may be just a phase or their toxic behavior doesn’t tell the whole story.
Toxic friends don’t necessarily have malicious thoughts in their minds.
There are many cases where a toxic friend is just someone who needs a little help or is going through a rough patch.
This is a judgment that only you can make, and it’s something you need to think about with every toxic friendship.
#Is your friendship salvageable?
Confronting toxic friends is a difficult situation. On the one hand, finally talking to them might change your friendship for the better.
However, your toxic friend may also not respond to your efforts, causing irreparable damage to your friendship.
Before you delete them from your life, try to evaluate whether your friendship is worth saving in the first place.
Ask yourself the following questions to evaluate whether or not your toxic relationship is worth the effort.
#Do you share the same interests and values with your friend?
People drift apart, and sometimes these life changes are not always for the better.
Perhaps your friend has gone through some difficult times and has become more bitter and quick to get angry as a result.
This does not mean that this new attitude towards life has completely changed their essence.
At the end of the day, we stick with friends because we enjoy their company.
We love the same things, value the same virtues, and live by the same principles.
You don’t have to like everything about your friend, but you should at least like his personality.
If you still do this, it’s a sign that your friendship is still worth saving.
#Do you enjoy going out with your friends?
Why bother maintaining a friendship you don’t enjoy? Friendships are about sharing bonds, creating memories, and helping each other.
At the very least, you should find your friends fun to be around.
If you’re bothered by seeing his text messages, ignoring his social accounts, and deliberately ignoring every social call, there’s a good chance you’d rather be alone than spend time with your friend.
Maybe they are used to talking about themselves and nothing else, and maybe they just tend to make you feel bad without knowing it.
Whatever the reason, being around this friend doesn’t make you feel good, and is a clear sign that you should stay away from them instead.
