“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
“I did everything to make you happy. Why can’t you do this simple thing for me?
“If you don’t do this, I’ll tell everyone your secret.”
“I thought you loved me.”
“If you loved me, you would do this for me.”
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It’s so hard to go back down memory lane, but I’ve heard a few before. I’ve been there and done that.
If you are aware of this as well, then you have been subjected to emotional blackmail. According to Susan Forward, emotional blackmail is about manipulation.
It happens when someone close to us uses our vulnerabilities, secrets, and vulnerabilities against us to get exactly what they want from us.
I couldn’t agree more. It’s good that I developed a spine and got back the life I have.
Well, maybe it’s my zodiac sign (I’m a Libra) which is represented by Libra to show our need for justice, balance, and harmony or maybe there’s a higher power telling me something is wrong. But what I did know was that I didn’t want to live a worthless life.
So, from former victim to present-day victor, let me give you an overview of emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail is something people do when they are desperate to get you to do what they want.
It is a manipulative tool generally used by people in close relationships: partners, parents, children, siblings, and close childhood friends.
It is in these relationships, where people’s lives are closely linked, that emotional blackmail is at its strongest.
In this article, I’ll dive into what emotional blackmail is, how it manifests, and how you can deal with it (and escape unscathed).
#What is the relationship between emotional blackmail?
It is a tactic used by those closest to us to hurt and manipulate us, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer telling someone that if they don’t do what they say, they will end up suffering because of it.
The blackmailer might say:
“If you leave me I will kill myself”
No one wants to be responsible for the suicide, so the blackmailer wins.
Sometimes the threats are less extreme but are nonetheless designed to manipulate the victim’s natural fears. The blackmailer may make the victim believe that they will end up isolated or hated if they do not do what they ask. For example, they might say:
“Everyone agrees with me. You shouldn’t do that.”
Usually, an emotional blackmailer doesn’t make big statements now and then. Their emotional blackmail will be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse where they will regularly use simple forms of blackmail and blame.
They may say:
“If you could give me a ride, I wouldn’t be late for work.”
They’ll say that even though they know you can’t drive them because you had an appointment to be at, and even though they’re adults and should be responsible for bringing themselves to work.
#Why do people use emotional blackmail?
Most people use some form of simple emotional blackmail on occasion.
We’ve all been guilty of frustration when someone doesn’t do something we would like them to do.
For example, you might complain that your friend didn’t pick up any chocolate on the way home, even though he knew you were sick.
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While it can become a problem if it is frequent, it is not something to worry about much in itself.
People who use serious emotional blackmail are abusers who try to control the thoughts and feelings of another person.
Emotional blackmailers are very skilled at making their victims feel helpless and confused.
They can often make their victim feel as if they are perfectly rational, and that it is the victim who is being irrational.
Victims of emotional blackmail often find themselves trying to anticipate the blackmailer’s mood and will apologize profusely for things that were not their fault.
#Fear, commitment, and guilt
The term emotional blackmail was popularized by leading therapists and psychologists Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their 1974 book of the same name.
The book also introduced the concept of fear, commitment, and guilt or fog.
Fog is what emotional blackmailers rely on to succeed. They can manipulate their victims because they feel afraid of them, obligated to them, and guilty for not doing what they are told.
The blackmailer knows full well that his victim feels this way, and he quickly learns which parts of the FOG triad are most effective at manipulating her. They have to learn which emotional stimuli will work.
Emotional blackmailers, like any abusers, are often very skilled at spotting people who are likely to respond best to them.
#What types of emotional blackmail are there?
Forward and Frazier identify four different types of emotional blackmailers. here they are:
Punisher
Punishers will directly threaten to harm the person they are blackmailing. They may prevent you from seeing your friends, withdraw your affection, or even physically hurt you if you don’t do what they say.
Punisher themselves
People who punish themselves will threaten to harm themselves as a form of blackmail and tell you that it will be your fault if they do so.
#The sufferers
Sufferers will blame you for their emotional state. They will expect you to comply with their wishes to make them feel better. They might say, “Go out with your friends if you want, but I’ll spend the whole evening feeling sad and lonely if I do.”
#confusing
Instigators will not make direct threats, but they will promise something better if you do what they ask. So they might say “I’ll book us a holiday if you stay home with me this weekend.”
#Stages of emotional blackmail
Forward and Fraser identify six stages of emotional blackmail.
Stage 1: Request
The blackmailer tells the victim what he wants from her, and adds an emotional threat: “If you leave me, I will hurt myself.”
The second stage: resistance
The victim initially resists the request, and not surprisingly, the request is often unreasonable.
Stage 3: Compression
The blackmailer pressures his victim to surrender, without caring about how he feels. They often deliberately try to make the victim feel afraid and confused so that they begin to question whether their initial resistance was reasonable.
Stage 4: Threat
The blackmail itself. “If you don’t do what I say, I will…”
Stage 5: Compliance
The victim gives in to the threat
Stage 6: The pattern is set
The cycle of emotional blackmail ends, but the pattern has now been established and blackmail is certain to happen again.
#Strategies and signs of emotional blackmail
There are three strategies that manipulators use to blackmail their victims. They can use just one or a set of three until you introduce it to them.
Strategies include whatever makes you tick. Being aware of these tactics will help you identify behaviors that you may not have otherwise recognized as manipulation.
These strategies create fog in their relationships, an acronym that symbolizes fear, obligation, and guilt. Below is a detailed discussion of the three techniques used:
#They use your fears (F)
According to this study, fear is an emotion that protects us from danger. The fear we feel when we expect something bad to happen and the fear of losing our loved ones are the same thing.
Sad to say, some people use our fears to make us comply with their demands. To hold someone emotionally hostage, manipulators use different types of fears such as:
- Fear of the unknown
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of upsetting someone
- Fear of confrontation
- Fear of difficult situations
- Fear for your physical safety
- They use your sense of obligation (O)
Manipulators make us feel obligated to give way to them. With this, they use different techniques to push our buttons to the point that we see ourselves in a very bad situation if we do not fulfill our obligations.
For example, a manipulative parent will remind the child of all the sacrifices made or complain of ingratitude when the child does not do what the parent wants.
Another thing is when your partner claims that he will do everything he asks of you, so you should do whatever he asks of you.
Whatever they use, it will make us feel obligated to do what they want, even when we don’t like it.
They use guilt (G)
What comes after the obligation to do something is the feeling of guilt for not doing it. Manipulators make it seem like we deserve to be punished for not fulfilling our obligations.
If you feel guilty just for feeling happy when your partner or friend is feeling down, you are being subjected to emotional blackmail.
#What are the types of emotional blackmail roles?
According to Shari Staines:
“Manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are unable to ask for what they want and need directly. People who try to manipulate others are trying to control others.”
For emotional blackmail to occur, the manipulator needs to make a demand followed by a threat if the victim refuses to comply.
And if you don’t know it yet, manipulators adopt one or more roles using one or more of the strategies discussed above to emotionally blackmail you. Here are the four types of roles used to get you to do what they want:
1. The role of the Punisher
This role uses a fear strategy where they threaten to punish you if your demands are not met. They tell you the consequences if you don’t do a certain thing.
Punishments include but are not limited to, withholding affection, ending the relationship, being banned from seeing friends and family, financial penalties, and physical punishment.
2. The role of the self-punisher
Self-punishers threaten to harm themselves just to get what they want. It is a way to incite fear and guilt so that you are forced to do what you are asked to do.
