The word “hoovering” originated from the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the narcissist will do almost anything to get their partner back into the relationship if they leave or threaten to leave.
There is nothing endearing about it. Instead, they use extreme forms of manipulation and lies because there is nothing a narcissist fears more than losing their victim. They want the attention they crave from anyone they target.
My ex-husband, Micah, was a classic narcissist, although it took me a long time to realize that.
When we were dating, he would spend hours (yes, hours) in front of the bathroom mirror grooming himself. Then he would follow me wherever I was until I told him he was a beautiful man. The only way he would leave me was if I said so, but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted me to say it over and over again, constantly invading my personal space to even look at him.
During our marriage, I left Micah seven times until he finally stuck it out. He was a physically and verbally abusive husband the entire time we were together. No one in my life understood why I kept coming back to him. I didn’t understand myself. I know now that he was “hovering” over me every time.
In fact, Micah “hovered” over me even when I was with him. There was an incident where we had an argument, and I let him sleep in the spare bedroom all night. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize there was no lock on the door. Micah would barge in about once every half hour when I was trying to sleep, yelling at me and bullying me. I couldn’t stay away from him, and that’s exactly what he wanted. Once I stopped communicating with him, he seemed to need her more, and I remained sleep deprived and confused about the things he said.
Among his behaviors that I hated most were the following. Mika would argue with me, so I would leave the room. He would follow me around our house and demand that I answer everything he asked. His followers drove me crazy, and his word vomit and accusations overwhelmed me. It felt like he was opening my eyelids to force me to look at him. There was no such thing as my personal space.
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Every time I left Micah, I would wait for him to come to work. I would pack up my things with my daughter and the few boxes we had and go stay with friends or at a domestic violence shelter. And every time, I got dead serious and swore I would never go back to him.
Mika usually initiates phone calls.
He would call at all hours of the day and night, and if he didn’t get an answer, he would call back directly. This would last all day. He would fill my voicemail with threats and pleas interspersed with hateful words. When I first met Micah, he told me he was in trouble for “phone harassment” of his ex-wife. I didn’t think much of it at the time because he also said his wife was crazy. When she became the target of his harassment, she realized that if his wife was crazy, it was probably because of him.
I eventually got smarter and changed my phone number when I left it, but he upset my friends and family by giving it to him by claiming there was some emergency. This is another narcissistic tactic. Micah would call my friends and family if I didn’t talk to him. He started a smear campaign full of lies against me until people on the receiving end started doubting me. Because I kept coming back to him, they started taking his word over mine.
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Another hovering tactic Mika used was to start showing up everywhere he knew I would be.
He always seemed to know what I was doing. He was confronting me about something, just for the chance to get in my face and make me notice him. He would say, “I was just worried about you” or “I know you didn’t mean the things you said.” It was complete and complete gaslighting.
If none of that worked, Micah would threaten to kill himself. I’ve returned to it on a few occasions for this reason. He even pretended to have a heart attack once so his friends would guilt themselves into going to the hospital. It hurt my heart and at the same time made me look bad for abandoning him.
Every time I went back to him, the abuse got worse and worse. He manipulated me for my kindness and took everything I had. He knew I couldn’t tell him to get lost or that I hated him. It wasn’t in my nature, at least at that time.
The only way I could get away and stay away from him was to block him from getting to me. I changed my number (again) and no longer go to places where Mika expects me. Also, I checked into a women’s halfway house so Mika couldn’t be there. Little by little, his brainwashing disappeared. I didn’t see him for a year after the last time, but in that time I’ve become much stronger. I began to recover, and his words no longer had any effect on me.
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I wish I could say Mika was gone, but he kept bothering me until the day he died. He even brought our daughter there and used her as a pawn to get to me. He begged her to be able to see her because he knew I wouldn’t leave him alone with her. The few times we tried to meet up, he caused so much trouble that I finally had to tell him not to come back. I felt bad about keeping our daughter away from him, but his manipulation was hurting her, too.
About eight years ago, Micah died after being hit by a train. It was incredibly shocking, but at the same time, I felt a sense of relief. His family said he fell on the train tracks, but that was likely not the case. His death has left me with an anger I fear I cannot control. Once I was able to look at things objectively, I realized what a monster he was. I was angry at the damage I let him do.
Micah was clearly a very sick man. I found out that his parents called the police twice when he stayed with them briefly after our divorce. He grabbed his elderly mother by the shoulders and shook her forcefully. I remember when he did the same thing to me, and I realized how lucky I was to get away and stay away.
For a long time, I blamed myself for letting Micah ruin so much of my life. Now, I know I’ve been manipulated to a terrifying degree.
When people ask me why I didn’t get rid of it sooner, I have a hard time explaining it to them. Micah messed with my mind, and it was hard to know the truth all those years. A narcissistic master destroyed my life, and that included flying where he sucked the life out of me.
