You may have a few narcissists in your life who you feel stuck with (myself included).
We have no choice but to tolerate them because of family, work or social obligations.
However, there are ways to help you build a wall against getting hurt and to help you maintain your sanity during these interactions.
Related: The Sneaky — But Completely Destructive — Tactic Narcissists Use To Reel You Back In
Here are 10 ways to stick with a narcissist:
Warning: This list is practical and often harsh. It’s a guide to making your relationship work as well as possible while respecting your needs.
- Accept the fact that they are unlikely to change.
Narcissists rarely change because they cannot understand the profound ways in which they affect others. They believe their actions are justified, and anyone who complains about their behavior is “out to get them.”
They cannot change patterns they blatantly refuse to acknowledge in the first place. This lack of personal responsibility can send you into an emotional spiral. That’s why you have to accept that you will never convince them to change.
Realize that they are unable to suddenly realize their mistake and make changes, and you must be the one to change and manage your interactions.
- Plan, plan, and then plan some more.
When you think about spending any of your time with them, you need to consider all the options of how things will go. Know the expectations and know that it’s usually best to meet in a public place.
Activities can be a convenient distraction when they are short (such as eating lunch). It’s hard when you spend a lot of uninterrupted time together (like 18 holes of golf).
It may be a good idea to plan an escape route.
- Bring your audience.
The narcissist may say and do things that are hurtful to the public but will have a more difficult time pretending that nothing happened. Depending on the witness(es) you choose, they may go into “like” mode and act very differently than when you are with them alone.
If they are particularly malicious, sometimes they will twist your words and try to discredit you to others. If you always have a rational witness, it becomes easier to protect yourself from a bad situation.
Related: 9 Ways Narcissists Ruin Every Social Event
- Be friendly, but non-reactive.
It is much easier to avoid conflict when you keep the information you share about yourself to an absolute minimum while remaining polite. If you don’t give them anything to hold on to, they’ll be forced to reserve their criticism and judgment for detail, which – unfortunately – is usually more than enough for them.
Avoid providing fuel for their fire in any way possible. Your details could be used against you, so don’t trust anything more than mundane matters.
- Refuse to get drawn into an argument.
If you’ve already acknowledged that they won’t change, it’s easier to avoid getting caught up in their drama. Refuse to let them pick a fight with you and manipulate your emotions. You can only win by refusing to get into an argument in the first place.
Give kind responses, and don’t take the bait if they criticize you. If they ask you to change in some way, don’t give them a strong answer either way. evade. change the subject. Neither agree nor disagree.
- Don’t take anything personally.
This is easier said than done, but this quote is my motto:
“No matter what happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing others do is because of you. It’s because of themselves.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
If you refuse to take the narcissist personally, you create a protective emotional space to help isolate yourself from the harmful parts of your interactions with him or her. Don’t give in to guilt trips or attempts to make you feel ashamed.
Related: Woman Seeks Advice After Her ‘Narcissistic’ Mother Announces Her Baby’s Name Before She Does
- Don’t expect anything.
Oddly enough, one of the worst parts of dealing with a narcissist is the good times. The good times can be so good that you wish with all your heart that the bad times were over.
When the interaction with them goes well, continue to practice the other self-protection measures listed. Maintain your emotional detachment. Appreciate the good, but be prepared for the bad.
- Quit when you’ve had enough.
Remove yourself from the situation when you have had enough. End the meeting if things become toxic or if you are being as polite as possible.
Have your witness signal (such as a safe word) so they know you’ve had enough and can prepare to move.
- Appreciate the good relationships in your life.
Ask your partner for help and try to work as a team. Dealing with a narcissist other than your spouse can be difficult for your primary relationship, so you should express your appreciation for their help in dealing with it. Remember that they are affected by harmful things too.
After you’ve gone through it together, show your appreciation – and above all, try not to impress.
- Above all, self-care.
A narcissist cannot be trusted to say or do what is best for you, so you must have boundaries and protect yourself. This means withdrawing when the time comes and rewarding yourself for simply getting through it, no matter what happens during the interaction.
