My client Greta is involved with a narcissist (I prefer the more clinical term “Asshat”) named Jacob. Since their relationship began two years ago, Greta’s life has been a mess.
One feeling that Greta repeatedly has is self-doubt. I asked her to write a diary about the relationship so I could help her sort it out. I was allowed to share her story. Here’s how a narcissist manipulates his victims and what you can learn from Greta’s experience.
- The narcissist behaves badly.
“On Saturday, Jacob and I were going to a barbecue at my friend Viv’s. We were supposed to be there at 5 p.m. and we were late by an hour and a half because Jacob was slow.”
Jacob is often late taking Greta’s places and often cancels at the last minute with lame excuses.
- The victim oscillates between anger at the narcissist and not holding him responsible.
“I couldn’t let it go. His lack of time management drives me crazy. I still take it personally. I think if he were a really good guy and loved me, he would have arrived on time – instead of realizing it was Jacob.”
Greta begins to doubt that she should hold Jacob responsible for his selfish behavior. She’s already trying to “let it go,” even though Jacob hasn’t made amends and probably never will. In the past, Jacob has told her that she is too sensitive and demanding, making her doubt her response to his hurtful behavior.
- The victim shows his anger in a passive and aggressive manner. It has been conditioned to be indirect because it excludes it when it is direct.
“We went home in silence. I turned away from him in bed. He called me from work the next day to find out why I was upset and got my voicemail. Instead of calling him back, I sent him a rather long text telling him I knew I had to accept The fact that it was hard for him to make plans and go through with me, but I didn’t know if I wanted to live my life that way or not. – That I was “struggling” with it. The purpose of this text seemed to be to threaten him – Change or I might leave you! Then again, a better way to look at it might be to give him fair warning. So, if you decide it’s over, he won’t be left wondering what he did or didn’t do.
Greta often threatens to break up with Jacob but never does. Usually, because she’s consumed with self-doubt, but also because she’s dependent on Jacob.
- The narcissist expels the victim. She was starting to regret taking a stand.
“He never responded to the texts. I assume he got the text sometime yesterday and I didn’t hear a sound. I called this morning and got his voicemail again, so I’m sure he’s angry. He doesn’t like to be threatened.”
When Greta threatens Jacob or tries to control him, he simply disappears. Not answering phone calls or text messages. She discovers that her attempt at control backfires every time because she cannot bear it when he disappears and panics and tries to reach him.
- The victim desperately wants to stick to her position.
“This silence of Jacob has made me feel a lot of fear. Fear for me and abandonment. But fear for him too, because I hurt him so much. So I take back the things I say and keep my desires minimal. It’s not good to be someone who doesn’t respect other people’s time. It’s also not good to Be someone who can’t hear anything negative about themselves without letting it completely overwhelm them.
In a way, Jacob was so fragile, so easily destroyed, so his wall comes up, he denies that this is how he is, and here is his caregiver putting him in front of me. He’s crazy, he’s hurt so he shouldn’t have to bear the consequences of his behavior. I will swallow my hurt and anger.
Part of Greta’s self-doubt is tied to her habit of saving Jacob. She often forgives him for his bad behavior when he does not apologize because she is afraid that she will hurt him by holding him responsible for his bad behavior. She’s worried if she “hurts” him too much he might break up with her.
- The victim is full of self-doubt and self-abandonment in order to stay with the narcissist.
These last few paragraphs make it clear that Greta is truly conflicted. She believes that Jacob needs to take responsibility and accountability for his behavior, but ultimately gives herself away by asking the rhetorical question: “Do I have to fight every battle?” Which suggests that she is worried that she might be too sensitive and wrong.
If you are dating someone who is behaving badly and either blames you for their behavior or punishes you for not accepting their bad behavior, you are probably dealing with someone who is narcissistic and full of confusion and self-doubt.
