One of the reasons your marriage ends in divorce is because living with a narcissist is no longer worth it.
You hoped that through divorce, your life would be infinitely better. You will do the work to overcome PTSD, low self-esteem, depression, and anything else you struggled with during your marriage and things will be better for you and your children.
Now that I’m divorced, some things are better.
But when it comes to co-parenting with your ex, the torture you’re experiencing is the same (or worse) than what you endured when you were married.
You chose to co-parent your children because “experts” promote it as the best way to parent after divorce. I followed their advice that the key to success is setting boundaries when co-parenting.
Well, you’ve tried and tried to set boundaries to make co-parenting a narcissistic act, but life is still a living hell when you’re interacting with your ex.
The crux of the problem is that co-parenting with a narcissist does not work any better than being married to a narcissist.
But there is hope.
You have to set very different boundaries when co-parenting with a narcissist than you would if your ex wasn’t so self-absorbed.
- Ditch the idea of co-parenting.
This might work for people with a sane ex, but it won’t work for you. Since co-parenting is impossible with a narcissist, you will want to switch your model to parallel parenting. (This may mean adjusting your current parenting plan to make things black and white.)
- Set firm limits for your children.
Life with the other parent is unpredictable, so you are the one who will need to provide stability for your children.
- Limit your children’s contact with a parent.
Limiting when your ex will interact with your children when it’s your time is a very clear boundary that should be implemented. But limiting your children’s contact with you while they are with their other parent is also important.
Unless it’s an emergency, your children shouldn’t contact you because it sets them up to hear what your ex thinks about you and potentially puts them at risk for the anger to spread to them.
- Extract yourself from the reign of terror.
Part of staying away from a narcissist’s control is being assertive (not aggressive) and unemotional when dealing with them. When they start berating you, fight your instinct to defend yourself and hang up the phone, block their number when your kids are with you, close the door in their faces, or leave their presence.
- Set boundaries around your home.
Your home is your (and your children’s) sanctuary. Do not allow your ex into your home because he will bring all his hatred with him.
- Teach and model social and emotional intelligence to your children.
You are the only parent who can do this in a healthy way. Make sure you do your best to help your children learn how to interact productively with others.
- Keep records of everything that happens between you and your ex.
Your ex will use everything they can think of to win and make your life miserable. This certainly includes taking you back to court. So follow the Boy Scout motto and “Be Prepared!”
- Be concise, informative, friendly, firm and never admit to making a mistake when communicating with your ex.
