No one intentionally enters into a narcissistic relationship. We love people who make us feel good about ourselves. We are drawn to those who are friendly, generous, and gregarious. We have been evolutionarily programmed to be attracted to people who share interests.

And these are exactly the traits that narcissists use to ensnare their victims. After all, showing your true self at the beginning of a relationship would doom it to failure.

The cycle of narcissistic abuse follows four distinct phases: building tension, a violent incident, a period of forgiveness and then calming down, until it repeats itself.

I want to explore these stages of narcissist abuse in more detail.

4 The stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle

American psychologist Lenore Walker founded the Domestic Violence Institute. In 1979, after interviewing more than 1,000 victims of domestic violence, she identified a pattern of behavior that she called the “cycle of abuse.” These stages can be seen in a narcissistic relationship.

This violation follows four distinct stages:

Tension builds in the relationship
An offensive incident occurs
Reconciliation/forgiveness
calm

1. Stress
   During the stress phase, the narcissist begins to devalue their partner. Far from being the perfect couple at the beginning of the relationship, the victim is now seen as worthless. At this point, the victim will begin to notice a change in the narcissist’s behavior. The offender will act in certain ways:

stir up arguments
Beat the trivialities
Critical and insulting behavior
Use the silent treatment
explode on nothing
accusatory behavior
Abstain from affection/sex
Made unreasonable demands
During this time, the victim will be constantly aware of the rising tension. Their lives will consist of stepping on eggshells. They will try to anticipate the mood of the narcissist which would be impossible to predict.

As a result of the apparent tension-building phase, the victim will begin to modify their behavior. They will try appeasement techniques to defuse the situation. They’ve learned in the past that reasoning doesn’t work for narcissists because their behavior doesn’t make sense.

the victim will become calm and unobtrusive; They put their wants and needs last to avoid confrontation.

2. The accident
   Eventually, the tension builds to the point that it explodes into a verbal or physical crash. The narcissist attacks his partner after days, weeks, or even months of living with increasing stress.

The narcissist’s partners are chastised for some anonymous taunting of which they do not know. Incidents of verbal, physical, or psychological abuse are designed to further weaken the victim’s resolve and strength.

Typically, during a narcissistic relationship cycle, verbal outbursts and psychological abuse will target the victim’s personality. They will be told that they are worthless, that they will never have it, and that they are lucky to have put up with it.

They will also be blamed for the explosion. It will be the victim’s fault that this incident should have happened.

3. Forgiveness
   After the hurtful incident, the abuser will do one or more of the following:

Say they’re sorry
Ask for forgiveness
Promise it won’t happen again
Shower the victim with love
Ignore the accident
Buy gifts for the victim
Denying the occurrence of the accident
Blaming the victim for their actions
Threats of self-harm or suicide
At this point, the victim is in disbelief at what just happened. If this is the first time the narcissist has abused them, they will feel confused and even responsible for what happened.

However, if this is part of the narcissist’s cycle of abuse, they may feel relieved that the stress is over. They got to know what to expect. They know they are now, at least, safe. The victim can now take some time to recover from the accident.

The narcissistic relationship cycle of abuse continues to depend on the perpetrator. Does the narcissist need something from their partner? Are they afraid of being left alone? If the narcissist has no use for their partner, they will ignore them and move on to another victim who can fulfill their needs.

4. Calm
   If the narcissist is not finished with their partner, the cycle of abuse continues. Now after a period of calm, where the abuse was not mentioned as if it did not happen. The narcissist does not bring it up and the victim is happy to forget it.

During this stage, the relationship returns to a kind of normal life. The narcissist starts the honeymoon phase again. Their partner is relieved that things are back to normal. However, in reality, the cycle of narcissistic abuse is about to begin again.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are so desperate to hold onto this wonderful relationship idea that they will do anything, even change their behavior dramatically.

An important factor to remember about this type of narcissistic relationship cycle is that the victim is mentally exhausted with each cycle that occurs. Constant mixed messages and actions have a detrimental effect on their mental well-being and identity.

Gradually, the tension begins to set in again and the cycle of narcissistic abuse begins again.