When I was a child I knew that my father did not love me. I could tell he adored my brother, but as soon as he looked at me, his face hardened and his eyes cracked full of hatred. At first I thought it was because I wasn’t enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Then I thought it must be because there was something wrong with me. Unloved. Unloved. In the end I thought it was because of my gender. Not a boy.
It took me many tears and half a lifetime to finally realize that I was never the problem. It was never about something I wasn’t.
There was nothing I could do to make my father want me, let alone love me. The answer in the end was very simple.
My father was a toxic narcissist and I was the scapegoat for the narcissistic family.
As for my brother, he was the golden child.
The cast of characters in a narcissistic family
The day I finally found an article about narcissistic families and the standard cast of a cruel play directed by the narcissistic parent, my first reaction was relief.
Here we are – the narcissistic parent, the enabling parent, the family scapegoat, and the golden child.
Far from being unusual, the entire family was following a completely normal narcissistic family scenario. There was no need to be invited to participate, we were literally born for this role.
At first it seemed like a vindication. There it was, black on white. The article vividly described the narcissistic abuse I experienced as a child. I couldn’t imagine it. You were right when you said my father abused me, and I can finally give it a name.
However, the pain began. My soul was screaming – why?
My life is a scapegoat for the narcissistic family
- Projection
Once I understood the narcissistic family dynamics, everything fell into place. I could see that my father had projected his hopes and aspirations onto my brother.
To my father, his son was just an extension of himself.
Related : Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers (DoNF) – The Struggle of Growing Up in a Narcissistic Family
Through my brother, he will live the life he believes has been cruelly denied him.
My brother’s wish was the matter of the entire family, and there would be serious repercussions for me if the demands were not met immediately.
I’ve also been a victim of projection, but of a different kind.
My father used me as a convenient litter box for all the things he hated about himself. His failures and shortcomings.
His bad thoughts and heinous actions. It was all projected onto me.
He was constantly angry with me, but I could never understand what I had done wrong.
No wonder, because I did nothing wrong. I simply had the misfortune of being the recipient of all his self-loathing.
- Gas lighting
When you are born, your family is your entire world. It is your parents’ job to teach you what is right and what is wrong, and how to act in different situations.
Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally and support you. All this is necessary for the child to build his self-confidence and self-esteem, so that when he finally comes out of the family circle he is ready to face the world.
However, what happens when your family exists in an alternate reality completely separate from the world inhabited by others? The gas light was steady. It got so bad that I believed my father when he said I was a criminal who would end up in prison.
- Narcissistic rage
But the scariest thing is the sudden outbursts of unjustified narcissistic rage.
I could never be sure what might set him off, so I became hypervigilant, constantly scanning the house for danger.
Whenever the smell of cigarette smoke was stronger than usual, I made sure it went away because that usually meant he was angry and frustrated.
I also tried not to make any noise, so that he would forget my presence. If I heard loud noises, I hid, hoping he wouldn’t find me.
I tried my best to be the perfect daughter, so he would stop being mad at me all the time.
But nothing works.
Every time something went wrong, it would blow up in my face. When the TV broke, it was my fault (“You must have used it without permission!”).
Related : How to Deal with a Narcissistic Sibling – Tips for Navigating Family Drama
If my brother fails a test, it’s my fault (“I was so loud he couldn’t study!”). If the cookie jar is empty, it’s my fault (“You’re a pig – you ate them all!”)
It was always my fault, always.
Is there hope for a scapegoat for the narcissistic family?
It may seem illogical and even improbable, but yes, there is. In reality, the scapegoat is the cast member who has the best chance of building a good life.
I don’t mean they won’t be harmed. It is impossible to get out of this madness unscathed.
It has taken me a lifetime to come to terms with my trauma, and frankly it will always be there, lurking in the background.
However, I have now reached the point where I realize that I was lucky that I was not the golden child.
I was damaged, but my brother was devastated, his sense of self completely shattered. He doesn’t know where my father ends and begins.
Children need rules and limits.
Parents who are overly permissive do not provide the right kind of structure to their children’s personality formation.
My father took an indulgence in pathological extremes. My brother was not subject to any rules. There were no consequences at all.
Any whim, no matter how extreme, was indulged in. The result was that he never developed empathy or self-control, and he pays for it to this day.
So in conclusion, although I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone, I was lucky.
I was miserable as a child, but I managed to escape.
I have not lost the ability to love and show compassion. I was damaged, but I was still strong. I was able to build and maintain friendships, get married and have three wonderful children. So, despite all that, I had to have happiness every time.
