Hi Evie,
I’m in the very early stages of meeting and connecting with this guy I met on an app. We’ve had three great dates (one for coffee and two dinners, the second of which ended with me returning to his house). He’s my dream guy – on paper and in real life. Tall, dreamy, funny, charming, ambitious and hardworking. I stopped using dating apps and started focusing my energy on him after our first date (he blew me away!) and we’ve been in constant contact ever since, texting, swapping photos of our days, and sending each other our favorite songs. We’ve talked about everything from meeting his family soon to going to Tomorrowland next year, and I thought we were on the same page about how great this connection would be.
As you can imagine, I was pretty surprised when I logged into the app we first met last week and noticed that he had mixed up all of his photos, messages, and information. I’m overreacting because I know it’s just an app but I was pretty sure he felt the same way I did and stopped actively looking for more options. Am I stupid or is this a red flag? Should I watch my back? Should I mention his changing dating app photos and ask him what’s up? Thanks. – Confused, NV (28F)
Take a deep breath, girl. While it’s annoying that he’s still active and has recently done a little spring cleaning on his profile, it’s not necessarily the end of the world. It’s not even necessarily a drag at this early stage of dating. Let’s unpack this a bit (and lift the cloud of confusion that’s looming over you!):
You’ve had three great dates and a definite spark, which is something not many people can go home and say with pride. But, and I emphasize the “but” here, you’re still in the glitz and glam phase that comes with meeting and dating someone new. Since you haven’t mentioned any conversations about making it official and choosing not to meet other people, I’d say you haven’t even entered the honeymoon phase, but you’re eagerly knocking on the door.
Related : How To Spot A D-Bag From His Online Dating Profile
It’s easy to project long-term dreams and fantasies onto a new relationship. Trust me, I’ve been there myself; I’ve built up strangers I briefly glanced at on apps into mysterious, magical daydreamed, eager for the possibility that they’ll whisk me away to a happily ever after.
But before you get too carried away with attaching yourself to Mr. Dream, remind yourself that even after 3 magical dates, he’s just a stranger.
He’ll likely have an abundance of amazing qualities (like your love of techno music), but I’m betting that you’ll both be coming to these dates with your best, most cherished selves. The bad parts, the “flaws,” and the unattractive qualities aren’t invited to these early dates, so as great as he is (on paper and in person!), remind yourself that you still have a long way to go to get to know him for who he is. Try to hold off on creating a fantasy version of him in your head until you’ve met more, the veil of perfection has lifted, and you’ve gotten to know each other a little better.
Furthermore, it’s important to remember that he’s still trying to figure out his feelings, too. He may be just as into you, but he’s not quite at the “delete the app” stage yet. He may be worried that you’re still browsing apps yourself, and choosing to do the same to save face.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket (especially if you don’t know if that basket is dating other people!), as they say.
People use dating apps for all sorts of different reasons. Some people prefer to keep their options open until they’re sure about someone. Others browse profiles just to validate the profile, to boost their ego, or out of boredom. We can’t know why he’s updating his profile without asking him directly.
It may be time to ask him about his perspective on your relationship. Sure, you can mention the fact that you noticed he’s updated his profile if you want, but I suggest avoiding this altogether. If anything, it suggests that you’ve been checking his page regularly (which we’ve all been guilty of – don’t worry!) but it’s not something you need to admit outright.
It takes courage to be the one to bring up the topic of “where is the conversation going,” but doing so can save you a lot of anxiety. Plus, if you’ve been on three dates and one night together, you won’t be so quick to bring it up. You don’t have to get all tangled up and ask him if he’d prefer a church wedding or an outdoor one, but approach the question with curiosity and openness. If the answer he gives you isn’t what you want, be prepared to take your losses and walk away.
Back to the topic of app updates, it’s natural to feel a little disappointed but don’t let that overshadow the good times you’ve had with him. If you’re able to relax and go with the flow for now, keep seeing him, enjoy him, and see how things develop naturally. Don’t leave the elephant in the room who doesn’t know who we are hanging around for too long, but if he keeps popping up, then app activity becomes less important.
Related : 10 Things Every Fuckboy Will Do To Lead You On
Personally, I don’t think this is a red flag. These days, we’re constantly on our phones, scrolling through them, and sending flirty messages more than ever. Commitment has become a little harder, and while it’s painful to discover that someone you’ve been in love with and connected with is still active on these dating apps, that’s the reality of dating these days. It’s not pretty (especially if you’re a romantic like you and I), but it’s a reality you need to be prepared for. Most importantly, pay attention to his behavior in general.
Ask yourself:
- Is he still investing time and effort in you?
- Does he seem genuinely excited about being with you?
- Idealism aside, do you see a future with this guy?
If you answered a big “yes” to all of the above, it might just be a simple mistake. If not, this is information to keep in mind when you’re evaluating him overall.
You deserve someone who is as passionate about you as you are about him. Keep your dating options open if you need to, at least until you agree to be exclusive.
I hope this helps. You can do this!
Evie
PS: Don’t forget that even Tomorrowland tickets are refundable 😉
