In popular culture, the term “narcissism” is thrown around quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and preoccupation with oneself. This reduces narcissism to a common trait that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms displayed by people with the actual disorder.
While narcissism exists on a wide spectrum, narcissism as a full personality disorder is quite different.
People who meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder can act in highly manipulative ways in the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and tendency toward interpersonal exploitation.
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It is important in any type of relationship that we learn to identify red flags when interacting with people who display narcissistic traits so that we can better protect ourselves from exploitation, set boundaries, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives.
Watch out for these five common narcissistic manipulation tactics
- The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and neglect
Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject romantic partners to three stages in a relationship: idealization, devaluation, and finally neglect.
Idealism
This phase (which often occurs strongly during the early stages of dating or a relationship) consists of him putting you on a pedestal, making you the center of his world, keeping in touch with you frequently, and showering you with compliments and compliments. .
This is a technique known as “love bombing” and is how most victims indulge: they are tired of the “games” that people play with each other in communication and are flattered by the constant attention they receive from the narcissist.
You may be fooled into thinking that this means the narcissist is genuinely interested in you, when in fact they are interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.
Related: 8 Dire Mistakes To Avoid When Divorcing A Manipulative Narcissist
Currency devaluation
The devaluation phase is next, and this is when you are left wondering why you were suddenly pushed off the pedestal.
The narcissist will suddenly begin to criticize you, belittle you both secretly and publicly, compare you to others, withdraw emotionally from you, and treat you with the silence when you fail to meet their “standards.”
Because the “hot” side of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent bursts of perfectionism all the time, you become convinced that you are probably wrong and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.
You need to understand that the man or woman at the beginning of the relationship did not really exist.
The true colors are only now beginning to emerge, so it will be difficult when you try to reconcile the image the narcissist has presented to you with his or her current behavior.
Related: 11 Critical Steps To Follow When Breaking Up With A Manipulative Narcissist
Ostracizes
During this stage, the narcissist abandons his victim in the most horrific way possible to convince the victim that he is worthless.
This can range from leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, physical aggression, and a whole host of other humiliating behaviors, telling the victim that he or she no longer matters.
Related: How My Narcissistic Mother Tried To Ruin Christmas
- Gaslighting – makes you think you are the problem
Most abusive relationships involve some amount of manipulation, which is a narcissistic manipulation tactic that these people use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate.
During the devaluation and elimination phases, the narcissist will often comment on your emotional instability—your “problems”—and dismiss the blame for his or her abuse as your fault.
Repeated use of phrases like “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You take things too seriously” after a narcissist’s abusive outbursts has become common and is used to gaslight. It may make you believe that the abuse is really your fault or that it never happened.
This self-doubt enables you to remain in abusive relationships even when it is clear that the relationship is toxic because you are led to distrust your own instincts and interpretations of events.
Related: 5 Stages Of Finding Out Your Man Is A Sexual Narcissist
- Smear campaigns – turning others against you
Narcissists maintain harems because they like to stroke their egos and need constant validation from the outside world to feed their need for excessive admiration and affirm their outsized sense of self-importance. They are intelligent chameleons and people pleasers, transforming into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people.
It is not surprising, then, that the narcissist begins a smear campaign against you not long after the elimination phase in order to paint you as the unstable one. This usually works for a narcissist’s support network, which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.
This smear campaign achieves three things:
It paints you as the abusive or unstable person and deflects accusations of abuse.
It provokes you, thus proving your instability to others when they try to argue about their portrayal of you.
It serves as a hovering tactic in which the narcissist seeks to take you back into the trauma of the relationship while you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with your actual identity by speaking out against the accusations.
The only way not to be drawn into this tactic is to have complete no contact with both the narcissist and his harem.
Related: 12 Devastating Ways Your Narcissistic Mother Lied To You About Who You Are
- Trying to arouse jealousy
Healthy relationships thrive on security. Unhealthy situations are filled with provocation, uncertainty, and infidelity.
