Recovery from abusive relationships: How long does it take? When will this pain end? Many of my blog followers have asked me about this.

Woman wrote this recently – about recovering from her abusive ex:

I need some words/advice/links. I am 1 year without any contact, after 20 years of extreme secret abuse. I don’t miss him. Yet I still feel lost or unsure of where I am going or what I want for my future.

I had a “false future” promise. Of course, this is gone. But I wonder when did you start to feel satisfied with your life again? Happy and carefree? Or maybe even when did you feel ready to date again?

I would love so much for all of you to interact with me and seek my advice. I love that Unbeatable has grown into a community, where you all help each other out.

Another follower responded to it this way:
Good for you…get past that first year! 💜 It’s the hardest. Give yourself lots of credit and love. Twenty years of abuse takes time to heal.

I now have over 20 years working on my stuff…but only in the past 8 years have I honestly accepted that many of the problems weren’t “them” but me! Once I got that right, I was able to focus on my contributions to all of the dysfunction in my relationships. That was when my development was exponential. I stopped looking at their stuff, and only worked on mine. I feel like I’ve finally taken over the things that have been holding me back from living the life I wanted. I live with gratitude 💜

The greatest time to heal/grow was when I spent 3 years completely on my own… dealing with a broken heart, cancer, and financial collapse. I finally had to sit still and face myself. The saddest, saddest, saddest time of my life, and yet I’ve been able to grow and heal. I cried and raged for years and years of abuse and hurt. The wounds finally managed to heal 💜. And yes, it took those brutal, horrific years to do that.

Treatment is also a necessity! He is the most important contributor to getting me to where I am today. I tried healers and stopped and started until I finally found gold. My therapist has walked amazingly through some dark valleys in “weekly” sessions for the past “10 years”… yeah, that’s a lot of therapy!

I am now happily (but hopefully 😉) cured, and very much in love with myself and my family. (Bonus… when we recover, so do our family relationships.) It took a lot of work, determination, and discipline, yet the rewards are worth it.

Get all you can to get help and find wisdom on your journey. Books, blogs, support groups, spirituality, therapy, self-care… everything helps. As you immerse yourself, you will look forward to each revelation as it appears. You will embrace the hard things, knowing that they bring you freedom. I wish you the best. Your efforts will see their rewards. 🌻

I couldn’t have put this better myself. It’s great advice. (Thank you both for letting me share this.)

Read : Narcissistic Triangulation and The ‘Normals’: Why They Behave The Way They Do

Recovering from abusive relationships

It takes time to recover from abusive relationships. Healing is a journey. Years of trauma are not something you get over overnight.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Taking that first step of denial was the hardest.

When you encounter manipulation such as gaslighting. Exposure to psychological abuse and coercive control.

When they isolate you from family and friends. There is a lot to recover from.

Accepting that you are even in an abusive relationship can be difficult. Admitting to yourself that you need help is even harder.

So if you’ve done this and are taking those first steps, try not to be so hard on yourself.

You should feel proud of the strength and courage you found within yourself to leave.

Don’t underestimate years and years of emotional and/or physical abuse. How much time and work do you need to do to heal?

When you first leave, it is as if the veil has been removed. Now you see the truth that you denied for so long.

This was the most painful time for me.

Read : How Narcissists Make You Physically Sick and 5 Ways To Restore Your Health

The future of fantasy

I had to grieve the loss of that imaginary future I had. Accept who he is now, and don’t cling to the hope of that imaginary guy that was in my head.

I, like the lady above, cried and cried.

I felt angry, lonely, and ashamed as I did.

Like her, I had to stay with myself to heal. I had to process the painful feelings that had numbed me for so long.

It was like being in the darkest tunnels for a long time.

What I didn’t realize was that I was walking towards the light by doing this.