It’s 3 a.m., and you’re tossing and turning, reviewing every word of a conversation you had with a friend, family member, coworker, spouse, or significant other. Did I say something wrong? Why didn’t he respond? Is she angry with me? Should I have done things differently? The endless loop of “what ifs,” “shoulds,” and “whys” continues on the reel in your brain.

The origin of overthinking

Everyone overthinks a conversation or decision from time to time, but for some people, overthinking their relationships can become a real problem. According to Danny Frank, a mental health yoga teacher at ERYT 500 in Seattle, Washington, the real root of overthinking is self-protection.

“We don’t overthink it on purpose,” she explains. “It is habitual and can stem from a variety of factors including the type of family we grew up in, our previous relationships or workplaces, the trauma we experience or neurodiversity, and our mental health.”

People with ADHD, PTSD, anxiety, and depression are more likely to default to overthinking a situation, as are those who grew up in a home where people-pleasing was the name of the game. The results of a study conducted by the University of Michigan revealed that women are not only more likely to fall into overthinking than men, but they are also more likely to stagnate because of it. This can negatively impact a woman’s problem-solving skills and may contribute to anxiety and depression.

“It’s a chicken-and-egg situation,” Frank says. “When a person habitually overthinks, it can lead to anxiety and depression, and people with anxiety and depression are more likely to overthink. It can be a vicious cycle.”

Don’t worry about worrying.
Everyone is worried

. You can’t live in today’s world with 24/7 access to information and not find yourself worrying about things like gas prices or women’s rights. Overthinking is more than just occasional worry. Rumination is a type of overthinking that appears in most of our relationships and interpersonal interactions.

“Rumination is when we think about something over and over again,” she describes. “When you ruminate, you may be looking for something you missed the first time, or you may be thinking of all the things you wish you had said, or not said.”

While rumination is an attempt to solve a real or perceived problem, it is generally unproductive, as anyone who has stayed awake for hours thinking about it can tell you.

“It doesn’t usually lead to any breakthroughs that help solve the problems,” Frank explains. “The conversation or event happened in the past, so it cannot be changed.”

You are what you think

Appearance is a big buzzword in today’s world. Focus on the good and the good will follow. Conversely, when you focus on the negative, you risk attracting more negativity. Overthinkers tend to see the potential risks and negatives of a situation, which over time can change the structure of the way the mind works. In other words, we become what we think about.

“Anything we spend most of our time thinking about physically shapes our minds and affects how we perceive the world,” Frank says. “The more thoughts we have, the deeper and stronger the neural pathway for that thought becomes, and the easier it is for that thought to occur.”

It’s like creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you constantly think about breaking up with your partner or cheating on you, you may be pushing him to do so. how? By focusing on those thoughts and replaying scenarios in your mind, you can subconsciously create an environment that makes your partner want to leave or look for something outside of your relationship.

Free your mind

Before you start overthinking all the ways your overthinking is sabotaging your relationships and goals, take a deep breath. In the words of the pop band En Vogue: “Free your mind, and the rest will follow.” According to Frank, you can break your overthinking habits thanks to neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to change through growth and recognition. It’s never too late to train your mind to find the positives, or at least not spend too much time wallowing in “worst-case scenarios.” She offers five steps to help you learn to control your thoughts instead of letting them control your life.

1. Developing awareness
   Since overthinking is not an intentional habit, it’s important to start paying close attention to when and where it happens. Noticing a habit is the first step to addressing it and eventually correcting it. The next time you find yourself thinking about a real or perceived problem, notice when it started and where you are at the time. Was there a person or action that triggered this rumination?

2. Challenge your ideas
   Sometimes, instead of getting all the information, an overthinker fills in the blanks. For example, your best friend doesn’t respond to your text message right away. Immediately, you convince yourself that she’s mad at you instead of simply acknowledging the most likely reason: she’s just busy. “Ideas are not facts,” warns Frank. “You don’t need to believe every idea you have.”

Don’t focus on the problem.

Dwelling on all the ways something went wrong is not a productive way to move forward. Instead, try a solutions-based approach. Frank recommends asking yourself, “How can I solve this problem,” and then acting on your answer.

Be intentional in your thinking

Problems and situations will arise every day. Instead of letting your mind wander and think about all the possible outcomes, Frank suggests setting aside a block of time in your day to think about the issue. “During this specific time, allow yourself to overthink and meditate,” she advises. “This exercise can be most effective when you write everything down, similar to a brain dump. When the time comes, move on with your day.”

Develop a meditation practice

Overthinking is the result of thinking about something that happened in the past or worrying about something that might happen in the future. Meditation is about training your mind to speak in the present moment. “Practicing meditation not only gives your mind something to do, but it also encourages you to live more intentionally,” says Frank, who recommends the meditation tool Insight Timer, an app with thousands of streamable meditations. “Intention makes it difficult to overthink.”

Changing the way you think or overthink is not easy, and like anything else worth doing, it takes time. However, once you master your thoughts, you can take control of your life and deal with the inevitable problems that arise. Try putting one or all of the above tools into practice. Be patient with yourself, and accept that it doesn’t happen overnight. Above all, trust that overthinking a problem never solves the problem, and may in fact make it worse. In the words of the Dalai Lama: “If there is no solution to a problem, don’t waste your time worrying about it. If there is a solution to a problem, don’t waste time worrying about it. Excellent advice!”