Recently, a number of articles have been published about a study of children with narcissistic tendencies, with articles from Fox News, NPR, and The Washington Post, among others.
The titles of these articles are very misleading, suggesting that praising your child turns them into a little naughty child, called a narcissist.
no! no! no! …not even close.
Parents… It is very important to note that what the original study actually said… is that mere praise alone is not the problem; Rather, parents should avoid praise that compares their children to others and suggests that they are superior in comparison.
Praising our children is not a bad thing, but praising them while criticizing others is the problem!
Narcissistic behavior in children is not limited to self-centeredness; It is also extremely selfish and disdainful of others. Narcissistic adults have relationship problems, often have unsympathetic parents, and are generally uninteresting human beings.
Trust me, you don’t want to raise narcissistic children!
So, here are some tips to help you appreciate and praise your children without turning them into bad narcissists:
- Never compare your children to anyone else. Acknowledge your children for who they are, without comparing them to others. If they do something wrong, say so, but do not say so in comparison to someone else (e.g. sibling, neighbour, classmate, etc.).
Comparison is dangerous because there is always someone who can outperform your child in some area, so they feel endlessly doomed to fail. If your children stay focused on themselves (and achieving their best) they will succeed or flounder on their own merits.
- Get to know your children. It is difficult to determine the true cause of narcissistic personality disorder in adults. There are some mental health professionals who believe that narcissism stems from abuse, while others believe it comes from overly involved parents who project their own desires onto their children (i.e., the parent wants an athlete whether the child wants the same thing or not).
Either way, you can’t go wrong by carefully listening to your children, understanding their unique identity, and acknowledging their distinct desires, thoughts, and feelings. You don’t always have to agree with them, but you will give them a huge boost in life by letting their true selves really shine.
- Focus on positive personality traits, not achievements. Your child’s accomplishments are fleeting, but his kindness and good character (if nurtured) will likely stay with him for life. Recognize when your child shows dedication, a great work ethic, empathy, helpfulness, or is just an overall nice person.
It’s okay to periodically praise your child’s achievements, too, but limit the frequency and intensity when doing so. Focusing on their efforts, personalities, and personal traits (versus their accomplishments) results in more confident, less arrogant children.
- Don’t be a martyr as a mother (or father). Yes, you like to feel needed and important in your children’s lives, but don’t do everything for them. I repeat – DO NOT DO THIS!
Allowing your children to believe that your world revolves entirely around them leads to feelings of self-centeredness (and helplessness) in children. They grow up expecting everyone else who “claims” to love them to also organize their lives around fulfilling your child’s every whim and desire. Show your children that you have a life of your own and that you have complete confidence in their ability to do things on their own.
