People like to say that love is blind, and there couldn’t be a more accurate saying when it comes to women in toxic, emotionally abusive relationships and marriages to narcissistic men.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse live in a constant state of denial, where they are able to focus excessively on memories of times when their abuser behaved in ways intended to present themselves as caring, aware, and caring. Early manipulative behaviors such as “love bombing,” the vivid, emotional memories emblazoned in their minds (along with addictive love chemicals), became the ideal dream of what they were supposed to seem like they couldn’t let go of.
Unfortunately, the lies these women tell themselves in an attempt to maintain the illusion that they are safe in their homes and in their close relationships are a serious form of self-harm behavior.
Here are four self-harming lies that women in relationships with manipulative men tell themselves.
- “If I can show him how much I love him, he will change.”
Deep down, at your core, you believe that all your inner shortcomings can be cured by your unconditional and courageous love. If you’ve been holding on to the idea of saving the relationship and helping your partner heal with the power of love, think again.
What you’re really doing is providing an endless well of narcissistic supply and constant attention to feed this toxic state.
They keep you busy and occupied with their games, mind tricks and manipulation. They take up your mind space. Like a tick, it’s under your skin, emotionally draining you of health, happiness, and well-being. Your brave love is merely providing life support to this malignant condition, and it eats away at all your healthy organs until eventually you are all devoured, and there is nothing left.
Related: I Let The Small Stuff Slide And He Divorced Me — The 10 Things I Missed
- “They’re having a hard time. Things will get better soon.”
People who are going through difficult times may have short-term changes in behavior, but when the behavior follows a consistent pattern of kindness followed by harshness over time, you know that this is not just that they have a difficult problem, but that they are a person with determination and perseverance, a long-term pattern of Abnormal and abusive behaviors and personality traits.
This can lead to the formation of a trauma bond, which psychologist Dr. Tara Bates Duford describes as occurring “when you experience periods of intense love and excitement with someone followed by periods of abuse, neglect, and abuse.”
Related: The Harsh Truth About how You’re Captured by ‘The Wait’ While He’s out There With Her
- “They’re not being themselves. They’ve never been like this before.”
What’s really happening is that you can’t let go of the image of the person you thought he was, but he’s who he’s always been.
Review the evidence: Is he interested in how you feel? Does he respond with concern when you point out how hurt you are after an argument? Does he validate your opinions when you describe your frustration with the relationship?
Or does he belittle your feelings and tell you they are in your head?
- “I can’t give it up.”
Understand the difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough. The two are very different. Know when you’ve had enough and find the strength to set boundaries.
This is difficult if you are someone who holds on to things, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. You believe that these are facts, and that there are no real reasons to give up or give in because doing so admits personal defeat. To failure. This thinking will only keep you stuck.
It is very likely that you have succeeded in most of the things you set your mind to. You may have set a goal and achieved it through hard work, determination, and perseverance. I lived by the old adage “shoot for the moon.” Even if you miss, you will land among the stars. Saving your relationship is just another goal for you to achieve, and you will achieve it. Even if it kills you.
Do not miss it. You cannot save this relationship. You don’t set your sights on the moon; You’re putting them on another solar system.
A narcissistic abuser cannot be dealt with with love, compassion, or unwavering commitment.
You may have realized that the narcissistic abuser is not interested in trying to heal himself or repair the relationship. You may have allowed it to seep into your awareness, but your denial is trying to expel this awareness of the truth.
