Have narcissists always treated you horribly, but you never knew how to stand up to it? The best way to understand the mind of a narcissist. Knowing how the narcissist thinks can help you understand how they work.

We often hear the term “narcissist,” but in reality, what does it mean? Is it just a description of someone who likes to be the center of attention, or likes the way they look? Or is there more?

Psychological literature defines narcissists as having certain traits, such as a sense of entitlement or excessive admiration demands. But what do narcissistic people really like on a daily basis?

Related: Why Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims?

Inside the mind of a narcissist

Anyone who has lived with or worked for a narcissist will tell you: Narcissists view themselves very differently—that is, preferentially—compared to others, which makes those around them less valuable.

And there’s a catch: Everything has to revolve around the narcissist. We don’t mind that a two-year-old needs constant attention. This is appropriate for the developmental stage of a two-year-old. But we do mind when a 40-year-old needs that level of recognition — and when achieving it is at our expense.

Narcissists abuse those around them by simply being who they are, and they won’t change. This statement may sound extreme until you hear the stories of those who have fallen victim to a narcissist. Then you realize how toxic relationships can be with these individuals.

Work for a narcissistic boss, and he can make you physically or mentally ill. Live with one, and it could be worse. In researching my book Dangerous Personalities, I spoke to dozens of individuals who have fallen victim to narcissistic personality disorder.

Listening to story after story of stolen childhoods, ruined marriages, and stressful relationships, I’ve heard the same phrase: Narcissists see themselves as too special for anyone to care about. no one. Over time, the behavior resulting from their specific pathological traits will shed a wide wrecking field of suffering.

I have learned the lessons of victimhood that no medical textbook can teach them, and they are lessons for all of us.

How narcissists see themselves

1. I love myself, and I know you do too. Actually, everyone does. I can’t imagine anyone not doing that.
2. No need to apologize. However, you must understand, accept and tolerate me no matter what I do or say.
3. I have a few enemies in this world, and until now, I have yet to meet one. I prefer _ (manager, entrepreneur, lover, student, etc.).
4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me leading, others will stumble.
5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but most of them apply to you because I don’t have the time or inclination to abide by them. Besides, the grammar is for the average person, and I’m well above average.

Related: Solving the Problem of Controlling People

6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and all that I have accomplished for you – because I am wonderful and faultless.
7. I wish we were equal, but we are not and never will be. I’ll remind you with unapologetic hesitation that I’m the smartest person in the room and how well I’m doing at school, at work, as a parent, etc. — and you should be grateful.
8. I may appear arrogant and presumptuous, and that is fine with me; I just don’t want to be like you.
9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do. However, do not expect me to be loyal to you in any way.

10. I will criticize you and expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I will confront you with anger. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will repay you one way or another – I am the “Wound Collector”.
11. I expect you will be interested in what I have achieved and what I have to say. On the other hand, I’m not at all interested in you or what you’ve achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or interest in your life from me. I just do not care.
12. I am not manipulative. I just like to get things done my way, no matter how annoying other people are, or how it makes them feel. I don’t care what other people feel – feelings for the weak.
13. I expect gratitude at all times, even for the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do as I ask.
14. I only hook up with the best people, and honestly, most of your friends don’t measure up.
15. If you will do as I say, things will get better.

As you can imagine, it is not easy to live with or work with someone who thinks or acts this way.

The experience of those who have done this teaches us the following (and if you don’t remember anything else from this post, remember this): Narcissists overvalue themselves and undervalue others, and that means you. You will never be treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will be devalued over time out of necessity until they can overestimate you.

Related: How to get out of a Narcissist Relationship

Tolerance of the narcissistic personality

Knowing narcissistic personality traits and how narcissists view themselves is helpful, but so is knowing what can happen when you become attached to them. Some, such as children, close relatives, or the elderly, may not have a choice. In these cases, it is up to friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, colleagues and co-workers to support them as best we can.

And there are those who choose to stick with it, because of finances or circumstances or because they are in a complicated relationship or marriage. I tell them beware: you will pay the price. I say this from experience and from talking to many victims.

Those who choose to live with or work with a narcissist

The character must be willing to accept the following:

1. Accept that you are not equal because narcissists feel they have no equal.
2. The feelings of insecurity, dread, disbelief, or disharmony you experience are real and will continue.
3. Because narcissists overestimate themselves, you will be undervalued. Prepare to decompose frequently.
4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined before, and expected to put up with.
5. The narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires come first — no matter how annoying they are to you.
6. Be prepared for them to turn on you carelessly at any moment as if any previous positive interactions didn’t matter. You may question your sanity when they turn on you, but this has become your reality.

7. When narcissists are nice, they can be very nice. But if you still feel insecure, it’s because it’s a performance, not an actual feeling. Kindness is a tool for social survival — a way to get what they want, like needing a hammer to hang a picture.
8. You’ll enjoy narcissists’ kindness because it doesn’t come around often. But for narcissists, kindness is perfunctory — just utilitarian.

Related: 9 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

9. Be prepared when the narcissist lashes out not just with anger, but with anger. You will feel attacked, and your sense of dignity will be violated.
10. Ethics, ethics, and kindness are just words — narcissists master these for practicality, not propriety.
11. Narcissists lie carelessly about the truth because lying is useful for controlling and manipulating others. When you catch them in a lie, they will say that it was you who was lying or wrong, or that you were misunderstood. Prepare to attack and receive counterclaims.
12. If it seems like they can only talk about themselves, even at the weirdest of times, it’s not your imagination. Narcissists can only talk about what they value most – themselves. This is their nature.
13. Narcissists will associate with individuals you don’t trust to stop your car because they attract those who see narcissism as something to be valued (eg, power-hungry, unscrupulous, profiteers, opportunists, and social predators).
14. Never expect a narcissist to admit fault or apologize. Blame is always directed outward, never inward. Narcissists have no concept of self-awareness or introspection. But they are quick to see faults in others.
15. They expect you to forgive and forget and, above all, to never challenge them in public. You must remember that they always want to look perfect in public. Don’t embarrass them, don’t contradict them, or you’ll pay the price.
16. You get used to losing sleep, feeling restless, restless, less in control, more anxious, and maybe even developing psychosomatic illnesses. These fears are your subconscious mind talking to you and telling you to run away.

17. Lacking genuine interest and empathy in and for you, narcissists absolve themselves of this pesky social burden of care, leaving you bereft, empty, frustrated, or hurt.
18. They won’t be willing to acknowledge the smallest thing that matters to you. In doing so, they devalue you, leaving you feeling dissatisfied and empty.
19. You will learn how to deal with apathy in one of two ways. You’ll work even harder to get their attention—with little reward for you because it won’t matter to the narcissist—or you’ll become resigned and psychologically empty, because the narcissist drains you, one insult at a time.
20. You are expected to be the cheerleader at all times, even when you are the one who needs the cheering the most.

Related: The Narcissist’s Mind: But Why Did the Narcissist Do It?

This is the unvarnished truth about how narcissists see themselves, how they will act, and how they can make you feel. I wish it was a better picture, but the survivors of these characters will tell you it’s just that bad and toxic.

As Stuart C. Yodofsky explains in his book Fatal Flaws, the truly narcissistic personality is “deeply flawed in character.”

You may ask, “What can I do?” Conventional wisdom advises seeing a trained professional for guidance. This is wise, but not always available. In my experience, the only solution that works is to distance yourself from the individual once you get to know them for what they really are, and once that becomes practical.

When your psychological wounds heal, you will see your life improve and feel your dignity restored. Although it can be painful to distance yourself from yourself, it is often the only way to stop the hurt and restore your health.