Every relationship has problems and areas that can be improved.
But there are some red flags that you should not ignore, because choosing to ignore them will make your life worse and trap you in a relationship that will slowly destroy you.
If you notice these behaviors in your partner, you deserve better.
Let’s dive in…
1) Being talked to
The way your partner talks to you is very important.
This is due to their accent, the words they use, eye contact, and the speed at which they speak.
We’ve all been out and seen a man or woman being talked to by their partner. It’s disgusting to watch and really sad. Their partner attacks them or speaks quickly while avoiding eye contact, as if talking to a call center employee.
If this is how your partner talks to you, you deserve better.
2) Insult and expulsion
We all say things that aren’t true, and sometimes your partner might point this out.
But being humiliated and rejected as a matter of habit is a very bad thing in relationships.
If your partner tends to act like you’re not as good as them or that your words don’t deserve consideration, then you’re being treated in a really harmful way.
This will ultimately lower your self-esteem and put you in a negative reinforcing cycle where you feel bad about yourself.
3) Being tracked and monitored
It’s one thing to catch up with your partner and stay in touch about your plans. But it must be voluntary and reasonable.
When your partner wants to know where you are at all times and asks you to fill in the “gaps” in your schedule, they have gone too far.
Even if it’s not jealousy, just clinginess, it’s very unhealthy and can leave you habituated to a toxic and codependent relationship style.
If your partner wants to know where you are and what you are doing, no problem. But if they get used to being like your personal probation officer, the relationship has turned the corner into something very stifling and ugly.
You deserve a partner who cares about you but doesn’t depend on you or need to monitor you.
4) Accusing you of things you did not do
This is closely related to the previous point and is related to the type of partner who is jealous and distrustful of you.
If you have a partner who accuses you of things you didn’t do, he or she is more like a prison guard than an accomplice.
Aside from denying any wrongdoing, you also risk going down a very dark path where your normal behavior becomes pathological.
“Why did you smile at that girl?” This is not the kind of question you should have to answer. You can smile at whoever you want!
If you have a partner who is this insecure, they have a lot of issues they need to work out on their own before they can be with anyone.
5) Being told what you can and cannot say
Your partner may object to something you say, argue with you, or feel insulted by you. They may find a joke you tell stupid or unfunny.
But if they try to tell you what you should or can say, they’ve crossed a big red line.
Your tongue does not belong to anyone, and you can choose to say what you want.
If you say something you regret, you can choose to apologize. Your partner is not your boss, and he cannot try to direct you as if you were an actor in the movie set of his life.
6) You are told who you can be friends with or not
Our friendship makes a huge difference and shapes our identity, but regardless of advice, no one has the right to ask us to stop being friends with anyone.
If you have a partner who tells you which friendships you can keep and which you should stop, he or she is crossing a line.
You deserve someone who is willing to respect your friendships even if they don’t share them with you.
You and your partner may have different friends. You can even hate each other’s friends. I’m not saying this is optimal, but it is possible.
7) To be told what beliefs and values you should uphold
Your beliefs are up to you.
If your partner doesn’t like them or finds them objectionable, it’s definitely a relationship problem. But that’s not always the end of a relationship, as a lot of common ground and growth can happen even through opposing viewpoints.
The problem comes when you are required to believe something different in order to be in this relationship.
You should leave religion or join a spiritual group. You have to change your mind about some basic concepts or you won’t do well. And so on and so on…
This type of framing is extremely destructive and you deserve better.
8) Gossip behind your back
When you have a partner who is gossiping about you, it is really unbearable.
Let me be clear:
Your partner mentioning you to your friends, or even mentioning something funny or weird you did or happened, is inevitable. that happens.
But to gossip in a lively or persistent way that makes you feel weird and causes mutual friends to give you weird looks? That’s a whole different kettle of fish.
You deserve better, and no one should feel like their relationship is some kind of fodder for a reality sitcom.
9) Exposure to mixed signals and passive aggression
We all go through ups and downs, but it’s not a stretch to ask your partner to make basic connections.
If you’re subject to constant mixed messages and passive-aggressive behavior, no one can blame you for feeling down.
Your partner needs to learn how to connect with you on a healthier level and not limit you or change his mood and how he treats you all the time.
This is just a basic requirement. If he’s always hot or cold on you and goes from love bombing to being cold to you, it’s time to get out.
10) Ask him to ignore infidelity and flirtatious behavior
You have the right to expect fidelity from your partner. In fact, trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
If your partner is cheating on you or seems like he’s trying to, you don’t have to accept it.
You deserve the best, and you have the right to ask for someone who will respect you more.
This also relates to the next topic, which is what to do if your partner is pushing you too hard to accept polyamory or an open relationship…
11) Being forced to accept an open relationship when you don’t want one
Open relationships may be beneficial for some people, but they should always be voluntary.
If your partner pressures you to open up the relationship, he or she is violating your trust and disrespecting you.
If it’s a deal breaker for your partner to open up or leave the relationship, so be it. This is bad, but you don’t have the right to be forced to do something if you’re not interested in it.
When these types of tactics are used against you, it is important that you defend yourself. Understand that once you start sacrificing your boundaries little by little, you will eventually end up with nothing left behind.
12) Give an ultimatum to the relationship to continue or not
Forecasts are rarely good, and relationships are no exception:
“Do X or I’ll break up with you” is the thing a very exploitative partner says.
If there’s a big problem between you and your partner that they want to talk about, that’s okay. If it’s a deal breaker then that’s understandable.
But framing it this way as a controlling request is toxic, and even if you comply you’ll end up feeling like you’re now some kind of subordinate. This is not a good relationship for love to flourish in.
13) Telling you that your partner will hurt himself if you leave him
This is the worst warning ever.
