We all know what it feels like to be emotionally manipulated. If you’ve ever felt upset, frustrated, or feel like something is “off,” there’s a good chance you’re being manipulated.
According to Dr. Harold Hong, a psychiatrist from North Carolina, “Emotional manipulation is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to control the emotions of another person. This is often done through persuasion, coercion, or even emotional blackmail.
If this sounds like the plot of Gone Girl, that’s exactly what it is. The goal is to control you.
Related : 10 signs your partner is stopping you from reaching your full potential in life
But when you know the signs of emotional manipulation, you can take back your power at home and in the workplace. Here are the signs that you are dealing with an emotional manipulator.
1) They make you doubt your reality
No, not in the red matrix pill or blue pill of reality. More of a girl on a train type of gaslighting.
On average, the top 1% of liars tell at least 15 or more lies per day. But emotional manipulators don’t just lie. They will lie about things they have lied about before.
Puzzle? They are so good at lying that just lying can quickly turn into making you question your eyes and ears.
Are you sure you’ve seen a coworker gossip about someone behind their back? Not if you’re in the company of a skilled emotional manipulator, you’re not.
2) They will take you on regular guilt trips
Up to 80% of people will experience emotional manipulation in an intimate relationship once in their life.
While most people would prefer a trip to the mountains or the beach, a manipulator’s favorite trip is a guilt trip.
Do you want to discuss something that is bothering you? You’ll almost certainly feel guilty even bringing it up. Did you do something according to your better judgment? This is definitely your fault too, and you should feel bad.
This is one of the hallmarks of an emotional manipulator.
3) They are the biggest victims in the world
The rain will reverse course in real time and make its way back into the clouds before the emotional manipulators admit some responsibility for anything they did or didn’t do. Remember that they all have narcissistic tendencies, otherwise they would not practice emotional manipulation.
Think of Kanye West trying to frame the historical issue of slavery as a choice, then launching into an epic rant in response to public backlash about how the media has twisted his words.
Many people know emotional manipulators, but the name “accountability” means nothing to them. It’s all part of their goal to gain support and portray themselves as innocent.
4) They are too much
Have you ever encountered someone who likes to over-share? Sure, some people act this way, but emotional manipulators do it to show sensitivity and weakness.
It’s the classic trick to make you feel like a special ray of sunshine because they’ve let you into their inner circle.
That’s when you often feel forced to share your personal debt in return, which the manipulator will use against you while tightening the screw.
5) They isolate you from everyone
Manipulation works best when done in isolation. After all, if you’re trying to manipulate someone’s emotions, the last thing you want is for someone else to work against your nefarious plans.
Emotional manipulators want to make you feel like they are the only person you can trust. There’s a reason why two-thirds of women never know they’re victims of abuse.
6) They love the game of punches
If you’ve ever tried to have an open and honest discussion with someone about their behavior, you know how quickly things can get out of the way.
This is the emotional manipulator’s front-line defense mechanism. They are liable to explode if they know you are getting close to the truth.
Mostly, this will look like bringing up previous insults or deflecting the conversation, but in some cases, this may include physical intimidation and violence.
Are you sorry? You probably are about to be, and here’s why.
7) They often make you apologize – and you don’t know why
About 15% of people seek to please people, and are an attractive target for an emotional manipulator.
Some people like to play the victim to take advantage of highly empathetic people, but if you’re constantly apologizing when you have no reason to, it’s time to take a step back and ask, “Why?”
8) Sometimes they give you help to ease your resistance
Emotional manipulation is not limited to one victim. Expert manipulators work their way into your inner circle and alienate your friends and family. This leaves you wondering how to love yourself and others again in the aftermath.
Known as “triangulation,” this tactic turns your family, friends, and co-workers against you.
Think of the 1999 film “The Talented Mr. Ripley.” Mr. Ripley used forgery, imitation and manipulation to isolate his victim and draw his family and friends to his side.
The entire film is a textbook rip-off. But they need ammo before doing that, and here’s the simple trick they use.
9) They will always let you speak first
One of the biggest misconceptions is that if you are abused, you will be overwhelmed by their charisma and strength of personality. This is not necessarily true if there is not a physical aspect to the abuse.
Instead, manipulators usually let you speak first. They want you to share what’s on your mind because that’s how they can use it against you.
10) They like to highlight themselves
Emotional manipulators have more expectations than old-school movie theaters. No highly successful person displays this trait because they are satisfied with themselves. They don’t need to use you.
Has your boss told you that you’re “too emotional” at the office, even though he likes to scream and throw stationery regularly?
Related : 7 toxic signs someone is addicted to drama (and how to deal with them)
Then see this sign as an emotional manipulator’s mask slipping. They put themselves out there, but you have to be on the ball to see them for what they are.
11) They distort facts like pastries
They will twist the facts at every opportunity as part of their plot to make you question reality and look the other way.
This may involve exaggerating events to make themselves bigger victims, or it may be outright lying.
For example, have you accidentally thrown your lunch leftovers into the trash? Don’t throw any leftover lunch in the trash. It was the lunch his old mother had prepared for him, and this father only had the strength to prepare this special lunch once a year.
Is this correct? Well, it happened so long ago that you don’t even remember it, so you decide to accept it because you owe it to him.
12) It relieves your fears
Some people don’t listen, but think again if you assume they’re just bad listeners.
Manipulators never listen to valid concerns. They will water it down, water it down, and dismiss it with the implication that you are silly, uninformed, or just plain stupid.
It’s all about changing the power dynamics in the relationship to put themselves first. But it’s not just about alleviating your fears. There is a second side to it.
13) Their problems are always bigger than yours
Think back to elementary school when you had the eternal “Daddy can hit your dad” discussion. Sooner or later, someone’s dad got tougher because he was a former CIA agent, and your dad was a former professional boxer.
It’s all nonsense, isn’t it? Well, there’s an adult version, but it’s not for parents. It’s about who suffered the most. Who had the hardest time? Who defeated the greatest enemy?
Here’s how it works in practice:
problem. You have a lot of work. Not as manipulative, you don’t.
problem. Your credit score has just been shut down because you couldn’t make last month’s payment. Well, the manipulator is thinking about selling his house or declaring bankruptcy.
Not every situation will be this big of a deal, but if someone is always trying to overcome your problems with their own, you could be being manipulated.
But one last sign allows them to take liberties and make you their pet on a leash.
14) They know all your buttons
Since you’ve shared so much and they’ve isolated you from your traditional support systems, they’re free to press any button they see fit.
Did they tell a fat joke about you? They will pass off the insult as if it is nothing more than a joke and you are the one overreacting.
These people will ruin your day by mentioning your abusive father and then buy your favorite treat at the same time to make you happy.
This is the ultimate flex for manipulator!
Overcoming emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation is more difficult to detect than to solve, because emotional manipulation is an illusion. Once you pierce the veil and look behind the curtain, you will see that the Emperor has no clothes.
But it takes strength to overcome the manipulator’s tricks and refuse to act nice in order to “avoid making a scene.” Often, it takes someone else to help you see this and put things together.
So, speak up, confront the manipulator, and stand up for yourself. She will soon send them out to look for another victim.
