What is a hidden narcissist?
A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, who lacks empathy for others but may act differently from an overt narcissist. They may display symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often mask the more obvious signs of the condition. While it may be difficult to recognize, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as overt narcissistic behaviors.
Common narcissistic traits include having a strong sense of self-importance, experiencing fantasies about fame or glory, exaggerating one’s own abilities, wanting to be liked, exploiting others, and a lack of empathy.
In the field of psychology, behavior can be described as either overt or covert. Overt behaviors are those that can be easily noticed by others, such as those typical narcissistic behaviors described earlier. However, covert behaviors are those that are more subtle and less obvious to others.
When considering the behavior of narcissists, it can be difficult to imagine how narcissistic and inhibiting someone could be in their approach and behaviour. The covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the ultimate goals are the same.
Signs of great narcissism and how to deal with it
Causes of covert narcissism
The exact causes of covert narcissism are not fully understood, but a number of factors are likely to contribute. Experts suggest that narcissistic personality disorder is linked to factors including:
Genetics
Childhood abuse and trauma
Upbringing and relationships with caregivers
Personality and temperament 2
One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to grow up with parents who place a high emphasis on status and achievement. Others may continue into adulthood.
What turns on a covert narcissist?
However, it is not clear why narcissistic behavior is sometimes displayed in covert rather than overt ways. Some situations that may trigger a covert narcissist include:
to be ignored
Feeling disrespected
Threats to their egos
feelings of shame
Being around people of high status
Feeling less attractive or less educated than others
Having a little bit of something over others
Not getting the attention they think they deserve
Jealous
lack of control
Overt vs. covert narcissists
Covert narcissists differ only from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. An outspoken narcissist is easily identifiable because they tend to be loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always hungry for compliments.
Their behaviors can be easily noticed by others and they tend to come off as the “big” in the room. Overt narcissists display more open behaviors in their interactions with others.
Researcher and author Craig Malkin, Ph.D., points out that the term “hidden” can be misleading. In his work, he states that the term covert is often used to imply that the covert narcissist is sneaky or that their quest for importance is not as important as the (more open) overt narcissist. He stated that the traits of an overt narcissist and a covert narcissist are the same.
Overt and covert narcissists navigate the world with a sense of self-importance and fantasies of success and greatness.
So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may realize on some level that their behaviors hurt others, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight. Since they often believe they are deserving of the attention and accolades they seek, they may not see anything wrong with their behavior as long as it brings the desired results.
Both overt and covert narcissists need to meet the same clinical criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Both suffer from deficiencies in their ability to regulate self-esteem
Covert narcissists can be difficult to recognize at the beginning of a relationship. Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a subtle narcissist without realizing what happened until they have emotional pain.
It might be more accurate to point out that an extroverted (overt) narcissist would be much easier to see than an introverted (secret) narcissist. In relationships, covert narcissists cause harm due to feeling a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship.
What are the signs of a covert narcissist?
How do you know if someone is a narcissist? Although there are clinical criteria that must be met for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect you may be dealing with a covert narcissist, such as poor empathy and disregard for others.
In addition to looking out for the narcissist’s red flags, it’s also important to be able to recognize the subtler behaviors of a covert narcissist. Being aware of these traits can help empower you, and help you better recognize and deal with potentially unhealthy relationships and interactions.
What are some common phrases used by covert narcissists?
The types of comments you might hear from a covert narcissist include:
“I’m very good at this. I don’t have to tolerate these people.”
“I deserve all the good things life has to offer.”
“Other people have it better than me and it’s not fair. I deserve more because I’m better than everyone else.”
“People never appreciate how special I am.”
“I can’t believe you did that. Don’t do that again. You should be ashamed.”
“Remember when I helped you out a few years ago? You owe me a favor.”
“I’m the best you’ve ever had. You’ll never find anyone else like me.”
“No one else will ever give you the time of day. You should be grateful that I will be with you.”
“Just kidding. I can’t believe you took that seriously.”
Negative self-importance
Where extroverted narcissists are more noticeable in their elevated sense of self and arrogance when interacting with others, a covert narcissist may be less noticeable.
The covert narcissist certainly craves significance and thirsts for admiration, but he can look different from those around him. They may give indirect compliments, or intentionally belittle their accomplishments or talents so that people can reassure them of how talented they are.
The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, whereas the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to achieve the same goals. A covert narcissist is likely to always seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, and looks to others to feed the same need for self-importance.
Blame and shame
Shaming is a tactic that narcissists may use to secure their sense of prestige over others. The outspoken (extroverted) narcissist may be more explicit in their style of gaining influence, such as outright trashing you, being rude, criticizing you, and mocking you.
The covert introverted narcissist might have a gentler approach to explaining why something is your fault and they are not to blame. They may even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you.
Create confusion
Although they are not always sneaky, some covert narcissists may take pleasure in creating confusion. They may not engage in blame or shaming but instead make people question their perceptions and second-guess themselves.
This is another way to create influence between them and another person. The covert narcissist needs to use tactics like this to elevate themselves and maintain strength in the interaction. If they can get you to question your perceptions, this allows them to manipulate and exploit you even more.
Procrastinate and ignore
Because their need for self-importance prevails, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do to keep the focus on themselves. So, when an extroverted narcissist blatantly pushes you aside or manipulates you to achieve his or her goal, the covert narcissist is a master at not acknowledging you at all.
It is no coincidence that narcissists, in general, tend to gravitate toward interacting with people who are caring and empathetic. The covert narcissist is aware of those opportunities for manipulation, too.
They have no problem telling you that you are not important.
Instead of telling you outright that you’re not important, they may stand you up on a date, wait until the last minute to respond to texts or emails, always show up late, or never make sure of plans. There is no regard for your time or interests, leaving you feeling small, unimportant, and irrelevant.
Giving with a purpose
In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that does not serve them in some way. 1 Covert narcissists may present themselves in a way that appears to be giving, but their giving behavior is always with the intent of getting something in return.
A simple everyday example could be something like tipping the jar at the local coffee shop. The covert narcissist is more likely to put their head in the jar when they know the barista is looking, to help facilitate the type of interaction that allows them to be complimented for giving.
The hidden narcissist’s giving intent is always more about them and less about those who give to them.
Emotional neglect
Narcissists are inept at building and nurturing emotional bonds with others. The covert narcissist is no different. So, while they may seem kinder and less obnoxious than their extroverted counterparts, they aren’t as emotionally accessible or responsive as well.
You probably won’t receive much praise from a covert narcissist. They are always focused on staying high to maintain their sense of self-importance, so it is easy to understand how a covert narcissist would find it hard to praise you. There is usually little regard for your talents or abilities.
Just as with an overt narcissist, you will likely find yourself doing most of the emotional heavy lifting in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Although the covert narcissist is likely to seem emotionally accessible, it tends to be a performer and is usually done with the intent of exploiting or ultimately letting the other person feel small through being ignored, blamed, or shamed.
Because one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder is a lack of empathy, a covert narcissists will not respond emotionally to their partner in a healthy way.
Examples of covert narcissistic behavior
To identify signs of a covert narcissist, it can be helpful to look at how narcissistic traits manifest in different settings.
In the workplace, covert narcissism may look like this:
Treat colleagues with superiority and condescension
Creating a public image that is completely different from private behaviors
Making unreasonable demands on co-workers and subordinates
Belittling and blaming others
Gossip about others in the workplace
Express their anger and then deny their anger
What do covert narcissists do in relationships?
In other relationships, such as those with partners, parents, siblings, or other family members, covert narcissists may do any of the following:
Show a lack of empathy for the feelings, thoughts, and needs of others
Use guilt and shame trips to control others
Expect others to take care of them or solve their problems
Gaslighting behaviors, such as being critical but making it sound like it’s coming from a place of anxiety
Take advantage of other people’s weaknesses
Rejecting or denying other people’s feelings, emotions, or experiences
Respond to others with passive-aggressive behavior
How do you deal with a covert narcissist?
You may currently be in a personal relationship with a covert narcissist, whether that be a family member, co-worker, or significant other. Although you cannot control what a narcissist does, you can control how you act and interact with them. There are steps you can take to protect yourself from covert narcissistic abuse.
Avoid taking it personally
When dealing with a narcissist, whether covert or overt, their manipulative behavior can feel very personal. Disrespect, feelings of entitlement, manipulative patterns, and deceptive behaviors can be very personal when you’re on the receiving end.
No matter how painful these behaviors may feel in the moment, it’s important to remember that they have nothing to do with you.
A narcissist acts in negative ways because there is something unhealthy about him/herself – not because there is something unhealthy about you.
It’s a good idea to look at the situation and the interactions in terms of how you can contribute to it. However, it is very important when dealing with a narcissist that you let them “own” their part.
Narcissists want you to take it personally because this is how they maintain leverage. Remember, narcissist feels small, so they have to make themselves “big” in some way.
Set boundaries
Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries. 8 Because covert narcissists lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, and take advantage of others, boundaries are something that gets in the way of achieving their goals. The more you can practice setting boundaries with a narcissist, the more you will constantly communicate to him that his tactics are not working.
Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially with a narcissist. Remember that boundaries are just a way for you to let someone else know your values. Consider what is important to you, and what your values are, and work to create boundaries to support them.
Understanding why you set certain boundaries can help you have more confidence in creating them and can keep you on the right track if someone tries to violate or ignore your boundaries.
Stand up for yourself
When dealing with a covert narcissist, it can be easy to lose your voice. Because interaction patterns are so manipulative, it may take time for you to realize that you are not standing up for yourself.
Take the time to come to terms with yourself, who you are, and what you are. Evaluate your values, goals, and talents. Strengthening your relationship with yourself is central to being able to speak up while dealing with a narcissist.
Create a healthy distance
It can feel frustrating and overwhelming when in a relationship with a covert narcissist. There are times when it is difficult to create distance between you and that person, such as with a family member or co-worker.
Limiting personal interactions, asking to be moved to a different place in your office, taking breaks at a different time, or simply cutting off communication may be necessary if you are being hurt by someone’s narcissism. The point of creating distance is not to hurt the other person; The goal is to protect yourself and create space for you to heal.
When to seek help
If someone you know shows signs of subtle narcissism that is causing distress or affecting areas of your life, encourage them to talk to their healthcare provider. A doctor or therapist can recommend treatments that can help manage these symptoms and improve her ability to cope.
There are also resources available for people who are in a relationship with a covert narcissist or an overt narcissist. Consider visiting the Narcissist Abuse Support Organization to find information and resources.
