This post on how to forgive a narcissistic abuser has been twenty years in the making. If you are looking for an easy answer to an incredibly difficult and complex question, this is not the article for you. Emotional abuse leaves physical wounds. Because it doesn’t leave physical scars, people assume we’re fine, when in reality we’re not. It may take decades to discover the depth of loss and injury as well.
If you have experienced intimate terrorism, rest assured that this post is not a lecture on how to forgive or God will not forgive you. This always seems to me like a threat. I am painfully aware of the Lord’s Prayer and all the other verses about forgiveness. However, just as complex PTSD exists, I believe complex forgiveness exists as well. Not only does the victim of abuse face thousands of small injuries over the years that are now disabling, but the damage done to the children often creates a burden of grief that is too heavy to lift at once.
And know that anger at the wrongdoer is valid anger.
How to forgive: Step 1: Be angry
I realize that anger is unpopular in the Christian spirit today. But when I think of Jesus turning the tables and flogging those who exploit innocent worshipers, I know I can feel angry too. The king counted all his debts before he forgave his debtor in Matthew 18. You cannot free what you don’t know you have.
It took me years to feel angry. Because I tend to separate myself from my feelings, I do not recognize my anger. When I was healed enough to discover that anger, I tried to get rid of it as quickly as possible. But to truly forgive, I had to let my anger subside for a long time. To forgive, I had to examine my resentment and connect it to tangible injuries.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are usually comfortable with anger. We often forgive easily, which means we pretend to forgive. We reduce the seriousness of abuse to keep the peace. We remain silent about the atrocities that happen in our private lives because we fear the retribution we know will happen if we speak up. Or even the disbelief that others might express.
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When I started to feel the anger and pain I had stored for over a decade, my counselor was thrilled. When I was able to admit all the hurt, all the ugliness, all the hurt, my anger helped me express my true identity. If a person recounts the terrible things someone else has done for them without getting angry at the injustice, they may be denying themselves and others the extent of their hurt.
Step Two: Reframe the anger
I remember taking time to pray and sitting at Jesus’ feet. I asked him how he felt about my ex. I found the anger I was carrying rather exhausting and didn’t quite know how to get rid of it. Suddenly, I saw in my mind my ex-boyfriend sitting in front of the TV as usual. Jesus stood next to him and Jesus was angry too. But not in my ex. I was confused. Why isn’t Jesus angry with him? Jesus saw what he did to me.
But then I realized why Jesus was angry. And I can tell you it was justified anger. Jesus was angry about the state of sin, mental illness, and generational evil that had led to this man’s downfall and evil actions. For my ex, Jesus felt real remorse and sadness. Jesus grieved for the man who could have been and now would not be.
Finally, I had a way out of my anger.
Step 3: Surrender to grief
Psychologists often point out that anger is a secondary emotion that we use to cover up our pain. I’m not sure how true this is because I often fluctuate between the two. I would watch my girls struggle as they struggled with PTSD and anxiety, and I would feel so mad. But then it seemed as if sadness would creep into me like a slow but thick fog. Sometimes grief for a survivor of abuse feels like deep remorse. If only I hadn’t fallen for his trick. If I hadn’t stayed.
But confronting the grief I needed to face to forgive took time. I had to become a friend to grief. I know that sounds kind of terrible. But my loss and the loss of my daughters deserve the honor of the grief I feel. I needed to calculate my losses. In anger, we count what is owed to us. When we feel sad, we have to face the reality of what will never happen. Anger is about the wounds we suffer. Sadness is about the absence of the good that we deserve.
Step 4: Burn the list
When we lose something important to us or suffer some trauma, it is helpful to write out our life timeline. If you were to write out the timeline of your life, with the good things above and the bad things below, what would it look like? If you have forgiven more than five major losses or traumas, you likely suffer from anxiety or depression.
But for our relationship with the abuser to be complete, we must know what needs to be completed. By the way, I don’t mean arriving at a magical place of healing. To complete a relationship is to address all the loose ends. This is the meaning of forgiveness – tying up or perhaps cutting the loose threads of abandonment. Notice I’m not saying reconciliation. Forgiving the abuser does not mean being in contact with him or her. No contact is the best policy.
I wrote my timeline with all the painful memories. All the little insults add up. She took my keys so I couldn’t go to my first day of work. He refused to stop the car when I was sick so I had to try to throw up out the window. Terrible names. Screaming. disk. You get the picture. Then I forgave him out loud for everything. This is a matter of will, not emotion. I asked my father to help me forgive because I could not do it with my strength.
That night I dreamed that Jesus waved His hand in front of me. All these little pieces of my ex that were embedded in my body and soul were removed. I felt very liberated. All of the injuries I sustained linked me to my attacker. Releasing them with forgiveness frees me from Him to a degree I never knew was possible.
It is important to forgive the person who hurt you. Just as important, it has nothing to do with your attacker. Forgiving deep and horrific offenses is a journey we take alongside Jesus, who suffered death on the cross so we could be free. Take him up on the offer. I have much more peace than I had before, but it has been a long and painful journey. And I’m still on the road.
