So you’ve been through the toxic cycle of idealization, love bombing and abuse…and you think you’re finally ready to break up with your narcissistic partner.
Statistics show that it takes an average of seven attempts before a person successfully leaves an abusive and/or toxic relationship.
How do you turn the odds in your favor?
Follow these 10 steps and prepare for your exodus.
Step 1: Make up your mind
Partners of narcissists often suffer from self-doubt and guilt. This is why some stay trapped in toxic relationships for years.
You see, narcissists are experts at making their partner feel like they’re evil and selfish for thinking of themselves. But more than that, they are adept at convincing their partners that they are a bit unstable and therefore do not make wise decisions.
In order to leave a narcissist, you need to be very confident and firm in your decision… even if it makes you feel “selfish” (you’re not!).
Here are two things you should do if you’re struggling to make a decision:
Take a good look at yourself.
Examine who you are.
What are your qualities? What makes you happy? What scares you the most?
Getting to know yourself better and testing yourself as if you were an outsider will help you look at the “big picture” of your life. It will also help you prioritize yourself over the narcissist.
Take a closer look at the way you like.
How we make choices and how we like are shaped by our experiences and influences.
Look at your relationships and try to examine how you love.
Why do you think you’re staying with a narcissist?
As world-famous shaman Rudá Iandê explains in this free video, many of us stay with abusive partners because the way we view relationships is flawed.
For example, we fall in love with an idealized version of someone instead of the real person. We try to “fix” and “help” our partners even when they are actually manipulating us.
Once you realize that you really deserve better, you will become more firm in your decision to leave.
And when this happens, you are already halfway there. Everything after that is good timing and good logistics.
Step two: Create an exit plan
It’s one thing to want to leave, another to leave. The latter may be very difficult for some. But having a good plan will make things much easier.
So first things first. Leave without telling the abuser.
Resist the urge to be nice and honest by telling your narcissistic partner your plan to break up with them. This will only allow them to negotiate and light you up.
This may sound so simple but many of those in toxic relationships express their decision to leave… which makes it almost impossible for them to do so.
Instead, act as normal as possible while working on your exit strategy.
You may want to contact some people you trust — such as your parents and your best friend — so they can work out a plan with you.
Plan everything.
When exactly do you plan to leave? What are the things you should prepare? If you have children, how will you ensure they are protected? And so on and so on.
Step 3: Collect all the papers
Collect all the files and data they might use against you, everything that will prove who they are and how terrible they are. The latter for backup, in case they try to manipulate you.
But mostly, this is for you: so you remember exactly why you left, so you won’t come back.
Step 4: Slowly start moving away from them
Book projects away from where they are located. Spend more time regularly with your family and friends. Get more time alone.
If your money is attached to it, see how to make it yourself once you’re gone.
What feelings have you given up on because of the narcissist? Go to the people and places that make you remember who you are again.
You have to rehearse how beautiful and free life can be without the narcissist to feel confident that you can have a clean break.
Until you are absolutely sure, be careful and keep your plans under wraps.
Step 5: Surround yourself with trusted friends, experts, and allies
The further they are from your narcissistic partner’s circle, the better.
Don’t seek help from within your common circles such as your spiritual group, career guides, or even mutual friends because your narcissistic partner may have “poisoned the well.”
This means that people – even the kindest people in your closest circle – have likely been given information that discredits you or makes it difficult to stand by you.
Some examples of “poisoning the well” might be your narcissistic partner pretending to seek help from people in your circles about your “secret mental illness”, or that you’ve been cheating on them, you have a history of lying, they’re trying so hard to forgive.
If you’ve been spending time with your friends and family apart from your common circles, you’ve already done the end game of the narcissist distancing you, so you have no choice but to stay.
Step 6: Talk to a therapist
If friends and family are not available for any reason at the moment, reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in intimate partner abuse and/or violence against women.
They will understand what you’re going through even if you don’t have bruises to show because physical abuse is just a small part of emotional, financial, or psychological abuse (and psychological abuse is the narcissist’s experience).
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Step 7: Work on your shame and guilt
Narcissists are exceptional at hacking into your shame box and using it against you, and for their own good.
Once you start distancing yourself from the narcissist, they will immediately feel like they are losing power over you.
You must be prepared for the possibility that you will be blackmailed.
Essentially, every story and memory you’ve entrusted to them can now be used as a weapon against you.
Feeling guilty for not being there enough for a friend who committed suicide? They are now suicidal and you are the only one who can save them.
Are you unable to be there enough for your sick grandmother? Now they are suddenly sick with an unknown disease and they need you more than ever to hold their hand.
And the list goes on…
To ease any fears you have that there might be a reality out there, turn it over to the experts and other people in their circle.
If they threaten suicide, contact their immediate family, the police, and/or a nearby hospital.
Remember, you don’t need to be the one helping them.
Repeat to your conscience, “I can help without having to go back into the relationship.”
You have to let go of shame and guilt in order to break free.
Step 8: Be prepared to lose some friends, maybe even family members
The same deceptive magic that won you over the first time will be used to win people over to their side.
And I wish it wasn’t, but there will be people who will believe them.
Don’t waste your valuable time and energy getting them right.
Say to yourself, “The right people will demand to know both sides” and “Whoever stands by it deserves it in their life.”
Breaking up with a narcissist also means breaking up with a lot of people who don’t believe in you enough.
It will be more painful than breaking up especially if you are the type who keeps a very close-knit circle.
Things will get better though.
Once you focus on yourself and your healing, you will begin to attract a different kind of circle that shares the same values of authenticity.
Trust that you will be happy again.
Step 9: Practice extreme self-love
It is possible that the narcissist has used your caring nature to manipulate you, so don’t let that happen again.
how?
Channel this unconditional love and forgiveness into yourself first, over and over, for as long as you need it.
If this feels selfish to you, imagine if it happened to your best friend, sister, or daughter.
You will tell them to take care of themselves.
You’ll tell them it’s not their fault.
You can tell them to forgive themselves – they are not stupid for being kind, for trying to see the best in people!
You need to learn how to be your own best friend starting now.
Repeat to yourself, “I am learning to take care of myself, better and better every day.”
“I am supported by really good people.”
Step Ten: Don’t let the narcissist hurt you further
Once you can separate yourself from the narcissist, you will gain energy, and with that righteous anger.
You may be tempted to take matters into your own hands. You’ll want to warn everyone, especially his next potential victims.
Be aware that these actions have a high potential for adverse reactions for you.
Focus on yourself instead and rebuild your community.
It may sound hard but you have to be clear that underneath all that righteous anger, there might be a call for revenge.
But the best revenge is to live your best life, not a narcissist-centric life even if the intent is to destroy them, or to stop them from doing more harm.
last words
You worked hard to earn your freedom. enjoy it. Heals. Love yourself more than any lover can.
And most of all, use your experience to learn more about yourself and how you love so you’ll never be in a toxic relationship again.
