Do you want to know the key to a successful marriage? Well, you need to be your person and cultivate a balanced relationship.

Let’s take a look at how exposing a shared view of marriage can help you and your partner by being your person in marriage.

Take a stereoscopic view of committed relationships.

the main points

The “needs-based, transactional” view of marriage is grounded in psychological theories that promote self-interest.

Marriage is not about the duty generated by the quid pro quo business model of marriage; It’s about taking care of each other.

The anthropomorphic view of marriage is about creating a relationship while also being separate individuals through cooperative negotiation.

Collaborative negotiation is about enhancing the well-being of both spouses while improving the quality of the marital relationship.

Contrary to the idea that in marriage you become “one,” it is important to realize that you are an individual as well as a spouse. As a spouse, you are focused on maintaining the quality of the relationship; As an individual, you focus on maintaining yourself as a separate and independent person.

It is like taking an anthropomorphic perspective on marriage. While we perceive one unified image, our visual system is composed of two separate images. Each eye sees a different picture. It is our minds that create the unified vision that we “see”.

I think this is a good analogy for how to think about marriage. We “create” a “relationship”—a collective action—while also being separate individuals. Marriage is about being together and being apart at the same time – simultaneously.

Let’s get rid of the marriage business model

A common view of marriage, widely discussed in self-help books and blogs, is about each of us meeting each other’s “needs.” This is the marriage business model. From this point of view, marriage is a transaction – an exchange of needs. Marital satisfaction is determined by how well your needs are met compared to how difficult it is to meet your partner’s needs. The general idea is that you should get a fair return on what you contribute to your relationship.

What you are not told is that this view of marriage is based on the idea that people are primarily motivated by self-interest, more commonly known as selfishness. Our motivation by self-interest has become dogma in our current society.

Evolutionary psychologists and biologists tell us that self-interest is the natural human condition. And if we both act in our self-interest, everything will turn out equally and justly in the end. Self-interest has become the societal norm for understanding how we should conduct our lives in and out of our relationships.

I don’t buy it. Everything about someone loving another human being involves something more than keeping track of how well my needs are met compared to how annoying it is for my husbands needs to be met. Author Noah Berlatsky put it well when he says that marriage is not about the obligations arising from a quid pro quo transaction. [3] It is about taking care of each other.

Where did this marriage business model come from?

The concept of “need” became popular in psychology during the mid-twentieth century as an expression of the more general idea that we are all motivated primarily (or only) by self-interest. Psychologists wanted to move away from more philosophical ideas like desires and want to be more like the hard sciences. Therefore, they adopted the theoretical idea of “biological need” (which morphed into “psychological need”) as a more scientific way of talking about wants, desires, and preferences.

Other psychologists, to help couples “meet each other’s needs,” have adopted ideas from “social exchange theory” on how to negotiate their various needs. In this theory, human interactions are like an economic market where self-interest is the guiding force in interpersonal relationships.

Theorists who promote this model of “needs and transactional” marriage tend to embrace the idea that husbands and wives must satisfy the biologically based needs of the sexes.

We should not be surprised that the divorce rate in the United States is about 50 percent for first marriages, 60 percent for second marriages, and 73 percent for third marriages. Most divorce cases are initiated by women. A “needs-based business transaction” is based on the idea of self-interest and turns out not to be a good model for marriage.

Hologram for marriage

Why is it important to be your person in marriage
Here is a helpful chart that illustrates the idea of taking a stereotypical view of marriage, i.e. being together in a relationship and remaining an independent individual.

If you want a fulfilling and stable marriage (represented by the arrow between wife and husband), you and your husband must be able to see yourselves anthropomorphically, that is, simultaneously as an individual and as a couple committed to each other (represented by the vertical arrow).

If you see yourself primarily as an independent individual (the upper half of the schematic), you will be very interested in yourself negotiating differences and disagreements. On the other hand, if you see yourself primarily in a relationship (the lower half of the schematic), you will neglect your wants and desires, creating a one-sided relationship.

How Negotiating Collaboratively Helps You Maintain a Stereoscopic View of Your Marriage

The negotiation that takes place within marriage is not a business transaction where each partner tries to maximize their wants and desires at the expense of the other. It is about working collaboratively to enhance the well-being of both spouses while valuing and enhancing the quality of the relationship.

Here’s how to be your person in marriage

Get close to your partner
When you have something on your mind, give your partner nudges about what you want to talk about. It is important to give him/her time to think about what is important to him/her about the issues and events that will be discussed. While both partners are invested in their desires and preferences, neither partner tries to privilege his position. True collaborators are always equal negotiating with each other in good faith.
Express what you want
to have a desire or preference is an expression of yourself; It is an expression of what you think is important for you to live a good life. As such, your wishes and preferences must be acknowledged. At the same time, they are not demands that must be met pronto. Your desires don’t take precedence over the relationship just because we call them “needs.”
All your concerns are mine
You must express your desires and preferences openly on the issue at hand, including why that preference is important to you. Through this process, both of you can learn things about your partner and the things that are important to him/her. Through this process, you show that you care about your partner and are concerned about his wants and desires.
Make a business plan
The best outcome of this type of discussion is a plan of action that responds to the expressed concerns of both partners. Collaborative problem-solving between the two of you is not about giving in, cooperating, compromising, or agreeing.

Surrender is giving up your personality. Most of us have a (perhaps unconscious) fear of being overwhelmed by our partners at one time or another. True collaborators never need a partner to “give in” to his/her preferences.
Cooperation sounds good but it is about the outcome of the negotiation. Cooperation is about the negotiation process.
Compromise may seem like cooperation, but it is more often than not giving up, building problems for the future.
Accommodation is a form of bargaining. You’re saying, “I think I can live with that,” but you separate yourself from the process and your partner.

Cooperation is the way you and your spouse maintain perspective on yourselves both as individuals and as a couple, while negotiating individual and marital goals, resolving differences fairly, managing conflicts, creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life, knowing where you stand on fidelity, and choosing to have/not have children. Giving birth, managing household chores, and how both of you can get jobs.

Cooperation in marriage comes from the unique qualities and contributions of the cooperators. If neither of you participates as fully co- and equal partners, they may also be the one person making the decisions.

Thrive as individuals, together!

The new view of marriage is anthropomorphic—one that honors each of you as individuals while together creating a relationship that supports each one of you. To have this kind of anthropomorphic marriage means that you have to let go of old, stale ideas from yesteryear about satisfying each other’s gender-based needs through business transactions.

Choose instead to learn how to negotiate your life plans with each other cooperatively. Collaborative negotiation is the process by which problems are identified, discussed, and resolved in a way that each partner feels proud and valued while supporting the relationship for the long term.