Often times you can identify one or two people in your life who take a significant portion of that time from you – without contributing in any real way to the quality of your life and relationships.
When you think about them, ask yourself the following questions:
Who is the person and what does he do to sabotage your relationships?
How important is this person to you?
Is it worth dealing with him or not?
If these answers are negative, you have what I call a “relationship saboteur” in your life. Anxiety, fear, and even confusion are all signs of a lurking saboteur in your life.
To understand how to deal with these people, your emotions are often the best barometer for both strategy and action.
Although you don’t need to actually label anyone, it helps identify people who try to undermine or damage what you’ve worked hard to accomplish in professional and personal situations.
Here are 4 key ways to reduce the power of the “relationship saboteurs” that currently have a hold over you:
- Be aware of people who use manipulation, control, or bullying.
Your power lies in the choices you make to recognize, avoid, and confront saboteurs. Practice the process of identifying, managing and avoiding saboteurs.
In turn, you will create opportunities to practice surrounding yourself with people who deserve your attention, commitment, and care.
- Be aware of saboteurs in your own life, the typical behaviors they display, and potential actions you can take to protect yourself.
Vandals are often time wasters, like my doctoral thesis “adviser” who repeatedly took my ideas and used them as his own.
For you, your manager may be distracting you and eating up your time with tasks that do not match your abilities, responsibilities, and interests, and may not even serve the goals of the organization that employs you. This type of boss may not know what they are doing or may feel that you are a threat because of your strengths and experience.
In order to address their need to assert control without letting them derail you, try arranging regular action-planning meetings with expectations clearly set in advance – and documenting them in writing.
- In personal and social situations, pay attention to the individuals who form cliques.
This happens in clubs, sports groups, and community organizations of all kinds. You will notice that it is your own world. When you find yourself on the verge of exclusion, talk about your own needs and preferences, leave if the group is fundamentally annoying to you, or adapt to the situation with your natural charm.
- When the saboteur is someone you are emotionally attached to, tell him that you would like to discuss some specific issues and set a time and place to meet.
In short, explain your concerns upfront to avoid them feeling ignored and to boost trust. Be prepared to discuss both your feelings, the results you want to see, a reasonable timeline in which you want the changes to take effect, and what the consequences will be if those changes don’t happen.
If possible, write down concrete ideas you want to make sure you cover in advance so you can keep yourself on track.
You may also want to consider third-party interventions with a trained and trusted therapist, mediator, or professional if necessary. Old issues are unlikely to be resolved quickly, so be firm and patient as long as it is in your best interest to do so.
Keep in mind that saboteurs and bullies will try to hide their flaws and insecurities.
They may choose to do this through verbal attacks, or through subtle methods of manipulation such as not being able to make such a meeting, being difficult to please, choosing indirect methods of communication, or speaking to you with a reproachful attitude.
Remember, by staying clear about the nature of the saboteur and the situation he or she has brought into your life, as well as the action you intend to take, you are already on the path to developing effective strategies to achieve better outcomes for yourself.
Here are some additional ways to take action and take effective action regarding your saboteur:
Reduce habitual coping techniques – such as imagining the worst, repeating negative thought processes, acting impulsively, avoiding conflict, and overacting.
Choose someone you trust and respect, who is familiar with your situation, to help you as a partner in moving forward. You can also consider forming a small private support group if the situation concerns others as well.
Make your business plan simple, powerful and manageable.
Take your first step as soon as possible. Postponing will only weaken your resolve and expose you to constant abuse.
If you find that your resolve is wavering, there are several things you can do to calm your anxiety.
