When you encounter a narcissist, you have little chance of seeing through them.

If you’re lucky, you’ll enter the interaction grounded in reality. You’ll understand that people are both good and bad. Your world is imbued with a certain tact, so getting to know someone’s true nature takes time. More importantly, you’ve learned that not all that glitters is gold. This is the natural consequence of maturity.

When a level-headed person like this encounters a narcissist, their firm grip on reality begins to unravel. Everything the narcissist says sounds polished and persuasive, and everything they see in the level-headed person seems dazzling. Having successfully navigated the childlike fantasy, the level-headed person feels lured back into a world of illusions. As the narcissist’s ego pulls them away, they must make a fateful decision: withdraw or drift away forever.

The level-headed person withdraws, offering a polite apology.

But not all of us are level-headed all the time. Some of us suffer from complex psychological traumas, resorting to fantasy as a way to alleviate pain and cope. Others may have experienced a romantic breakup or the loss of a loved one. Perhaps they are simply bored and let their curiosity take over. Whatever the reason, some of us bid farewell to the real world and embark on the ship of narcissistic fantasy, content to travel to a place where our pain and sorrow no longer hold any significance.

Facing Death

The first exhilarating weeks or months with a narcissist are dominated by feelings of wonder and hope. Covert narcissists are incredibly cooperative, showing that they are “just like us,” while overt narcissists, like the wind, sway us joyfully through the world without looking back. In romantic relationships, the narcissist is charming and flirtatious. In any case, they are optimistic and forward-looking. They embody life.

But like all moments of euphoria, the decline eventually sets in. The narcissist may explode in anger when suddenly provoked. They may become emotionally cold and contemptuous, or they may avoid us. Or perhaps nothing dramatic happens at all, yet you begin to feel empty and sad for no apparent reason.

This is usually when confusion and shame take hold. We start wondering what we did wrong, or what happened to those glamorous first months. When the narcissist goes from being perfect to belittling us, it’s a painful experience. The specter of death looms over us. But this death is not here for us, but for the narcissist himself, who vanished completely, having long ago discarded us and left us behind.

Yet, the narcissist is still alive and well. Isn’t he?

Staying_Ahead_of_Life’s_Curve

A relationship with a narcissist is like running on a treadmill. There’s no rest, no stopping. The show must go on, and it quickly becomes exhausting.

We soon realize there’s something inhuman about the narcissist’s view of life. Something anti-life. Our days are filled with births and deaths. Sunrises and sunsets. Full moons and crescents. The passing of years. All beautiful events inevitably end. Interactions. Jobs. Opportunities. Love. Life is a constant rhythm of ups and downs.

Related : How To Cope With A Narcissist

The narcissist always craves the ups and downs and hates the downs. Failure. Loss. Rejection. Illness. Old age. They deny all of it, preferring to remain in the vortex of their vanity.

At first glance, this might seem like a passion for life. Ambition. Optimism, even. The narcissist is an ambitious and persistent person. However, in reality, this person hides a deep-seated secret. This secret manifests itself in sharp mood swings and self-isolation when the emotional supply dwindles. For a brief moment, you can witness it for yourself: the narcissist is in mourning.

Just as the ebb tide reveals a rock, the ebb of the emotional supply reveals a grief as old as that rock itself. It is a loss the narcissist has carried throughout their life, ever since their heart was broken by the sudden departure of the child they had dreamed of.

Older Wounds Are Deeper

When the emotional supply dwindles, a profound pain emerges in the narcissist’s chest. A pain hidden within this pain, with a captivating allure like a black hole. As the narcissist stares into this abyss, they face the precipice; an infinite emptiness filled with infinite pain. They feel that the deeper they fall, the more intense the pain becomes, and the more terrifying the emptiness grows.

And they are right.

It may seem strange, but I invite you to join me on a journey into this black hole, so that together we may learn some lessons.

Look beyond that dazzling stream of light. What do you see?

Popular psychology tends to portray the narcissist as a stereotypical villain. However, while narcissists may adhere to a certain “typical” pattern of behavior, their upbringing is unique to each individual.

Some narcissists are predetermined from the moment of conception, born into a hostile environment, to parents who were either unwilling or unable to love them or see them as precious children. This kind of wound runs deep, with the child feeling and internalizing the painful truth before they even gain awareness. They realize they are unvalued—even before they understand what it means to be understood.

Other narcissists are shaped by dehumanizing expectations, detachment from reality, and objectification. Those around them, especially their parents, only interacted with the person they wanted the narcissist to be. They saw in the narcissist the image they were supposed to be, not who they truly were.

In both previous cases, the narcissist felt unwanted and invisible. In the first instance, this pain became unbearable, as their very existence on Earth was rejected by their creators. In the second, the pain found a release, a glimmer of hope for redemption. Be exceptional, and you will be loved. Yet, even in this case, the narcissist’s true nature was rejected. Something had to be sacrificed.

A Tragedy That Saved a Life

Inside every narcissist lies the seed of a child overflowing with love, depth, humanity, and potential. This person values ​​human solidarity and shared prosperity above all else.

Not the Narcissist.

The feeling of unloved and ignored early in life inflicts a deep wound of immense proportions. As the black chasm in the narcissist’s heart gradually widened, and anger, shame, and sadness flooded in, their humanity was covered in a blackness like an oil stain. Little by little, life within them began to suffocate and die. Unable to bear this escalating psychological catastrophe, the narcissist’s survival mechanism kicked in. The narcissist, with all that anger, shame, and sadness, sealed the chasm, proclaiming instant relief.

But the consequences of this cruel act soon became clear. The narcissist not only rid themselves of their anger, shame, and sadness, but also of their love, depth, humanity, and potential. His true soul lay in that pit, alongside the child he once was, the human being he could have been. What remained was a mind detached from reality, a false self projecting onto the world the image of the person he longed to be. The real man had been replaced by a mere psychological construct.

At ground zero, where the black pit closed, there remained a grave. But it was not a final resting place. Pessimists might argue that this child had long since died. Others might claim that the child was still there, trapped alive, praying to God to open that pit and reach out to him.

Journey Back

Most narcissists refuse to admit they’ve done anything wrong. “I’m perfectly content with my mind,” one of them boasted to me once. Another, when I asked him how he felt about something, hesitated for a moment, then changed the subject as if I hadn’t asked the question.

Perhaps narcissists lack the will to try. Perhaps they’ve simply lost their way. As for the tiny minority who are willing to take this path, I offer them a guide, summed up in one word: grief.

I believe narcissists avoid accountability and healing because they don’t understand what they’ve lost. If they understood the truth, they would realize that the weight they carry is grief over the loss of the wonderful person they could have been. From there, they would have a choice: either accept this truth in their hearts and allow their delayed grief to overwhelm them, or continue with their lives as usual.

As everyone knows, facing grief is difficult. Getting over the loss of a job, an identity, or a loved one can take months or years, and it feels like climbing a mountain. The grief of the narcissist, by comparison, seems like the summit of Mount Everest, if they ever even reach it.

So what awaits the rare narcissist who dares to embark on this path? Are they on their way to spiritual paradise, or to crushing despair? Will they rescue and revive their lost child, or will they be forced to accept their death and bury it forever? Those who have successfully navigated the journey of grief may have an answer. For the narcissist, it is often a combination of both. On the one hand, they cannot reclaim those lost years, nor can they recover their humanity in all its depth. This is something that must be mourned as it should be.

However, if the narcissist can absorb enough of their prolonged grief, they may find that their insatiable need to be the best and most exceptional fades away. From this point, a profound humility may emerge, creating fertile ground for the flourishing of a new humanity. At the very least, the narcissist’s journey of grief may spare them decades of addiction and self-destruction, and usher in an era of peace and self-acceptance.

And who knows what miracles might happen? The narcissist might return from his trip holding the hand of a long-lost companion, with new paths to take and a story to tell.