If you have been following my work for a while, you know a lot about me, I am very open about the painful narcissistic relationships I have endured. But today I’m going a little further than that and delving deeper into the devastation that these people who’ve hurt so terribly have pushed me into.

You almost killed me!

Just like you, I was attacked mercilessly. I received thumping blows, and horrific accusations, and the insults were thick and fast. Then it got worse. I’ve been there too so you know exactly what I’m talking about.

And all the while I’m still persistently trying to “fix” it.

I urge you to watch this video because in it I am giving you key takeaways that can shed a big, big light on why you should try to fix someone, the real reasons why it won’t work, and how you can generate real healthy, secure relationships in your future.

I just want to remind you that my 10-week recovery boot camp, to get rid of the pain of narcissistic abuse and onto a path to prosperity, is coming soon.

If you want to work with me hands-on, up close and personal from the comfort of your own home with powerful information and life-changing Quanta Freedom Healing sessions that are so powerful, go to melanietoniaevans.com/thrive.

Locations are limited, and we expect to sell out soon. I did it quickly. That’s number two.

Today I want to share with you my story, my humble story of trying to fix a narcissist because I did try. I want you to know that this episode is for any narcissist in your life, not just a love partner – it could be a member of your family or even your child… any narcissist at all.

Related: 8 Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships

my story

even about me. Like many of us, I have compassion and empathy and want to make a difference in the lives of others. I mean, that’s the life mission I’m doing right now. I have the personality type that, in the past, was naturally drawn to people with problems and then would try to help them.

I used to take lame and broken birds on an animal level and also on a human level, so it’s no surprise that even before what I do now, I’ve been a personal trainer and therapist for years.

I know many of you are therapists, teachers, caregivers, people who work in these types of industries, or you are just the right person in your social group or family. You are empathetic too, and usually, the people abused by narcissists are wonderful.

When the narcissist came into my life, I thought he was my perfect partner. It seemed to be everything I had always wanted and of course, I wanted to believe it. I expected how cool it would be.

That’s the key, and I want you to stop and remember that thought–I needed him to be loving, honest, kind, attentive, generous, and benevolent–which is the image I saw of him.

Now of course, with a narcissist in your life, any narcissist, you will soon find out, or overtime as I did, that he was capable of being incredibly cruel, dishonest, abusive, and capable of destructive behavior.

Here’s what I did, that’s what I did, that’s what we all do – we decided we needed to change them back to the version we wanted. To do this, we try very hard to wake them up and fix them. There is a lot to try to fix.

Like many of us, I have experienced the unimaginable. Insults, insults, extreme jealousy, violent behavior, pathological lies, and even criminal behavior against me and others. And I stayed. I was lecturing, I was describing. I was trying to reform him, teach him, and guide him to having a conscience, to change his ways, and try to develop his character into humanity and integrity.

I want you to ask yourself, have you been doing this? Do you find yourself wandering over and over to basic decency points that a five-year-old should naturally understand?

While I was doing this to him, I was attacked mercilessly, just as I was. As I tried to make him see the error of his ways, I experienced twists, turns, chronic defenses, low blows, attacks, horrific accusations, and insults that were thick and fast.

Then there were the procrastination, the silent treatments, and the abandonment episodes, where he would leave and be unsociable for hours on end, or even longer.

He was doing things that were off limits, making my head spin, and I was thinking, how does he think he can treat me like that and walk away and think I’m going to stay with him? Yet I did. I always do.

He even set me up and called the police on me. He hit me. He stole money from my accounts. It slandered people and authorities against me, and it was so bad, I ended up committing suicide. I lost my mind and became so ill that I almost lost my life.

Why are we trying to fix others and why isn’t it working

When we’re stuck in the “I have to fix this guy” construct, we don’t see the truth. And that was the real truth — I thought I needed him to be the version I wanted for me to live a happy, fulfilling, loving, functional life.

I promise it’s the same for all of us. You’ve made the narcissist in your life – who you’re trying to fix – your source of self and that means you’re giving all of your power away.

Now, I want you to say this statement with me, let’s say this next statement together because it will help you understand what I’m saying to you.

This is the statement, “When I try to make you kind and caring and honest and loving so that I can be safe, I have surrendered all my strength to you.”

Now, I just want you to stop and I want you to feel this statement in your body. Do you feel out of your body? Do you feel like you handed your power away? Do you feel that you are not anchored in your body reclaiming your strength and your truth and can generate it in reality?

If I were to say to you, “Mary or John, my day is rubbish until you change what you do to me.” Then my entire love life lies in your hands. I have no control over it.

So what I want you to do, I want you to be aware of this last point we went through, and I want you to write in the comments below how that phrase felt in your body.

Now let me share with you the real quantitative reason why trying to fix someone will never work. It only brings more misfortune, abuse, and destruction. This has to do with the fundamental quantum law I talk about all the time – so on and off.

Let me explain. Your life is born within you. You always choose more of you and generate more of you although often, especially before Thriver is healed, he is deeply unconscious that this is what is happening.

So when you’re trying to fix someone else so they can feel better and be loved and feel safe, that equals how you lose, because, in reality, you feel unloved, insecure, and depressed. So any attempt you try to make to change another person out there when you are like this here is not going to give you an improvement on what is going on inside of you. It will only bring you an amplification of what is going on inside of you.

When battling a narcissist, I had no idea it was happening until I turned inward, healed from within, understood how to be my source, and then produce more of that. I promise you can reach this level too.

The battle with the narcissist is a spiritual war of the first order. It’s a psychological war, it’s an emotional war. It is a war for your soul and soul. If you feel empty and broken and not whole, the narcissist will smash all of these parts of you to the surface. The narcissist is not the healer of these wounds, but rather their messenger by continuing to destroy them.

Our goal is to be your true self

Now, let’s move on to your goal in all of this. It is for you to be the source of yourself by generating what you want so that you can be you and live your life, no matter what others may or may not choose. This is freedom, this is power, this is your true self.

Of course, there is a lot of work that needs to be done — the inner work on a lot of this stuff and everything that goes around it — like the fears of leaving, how you’re going to live on your own, all those attachments, obsessions, and addictions you have for the narcissist. You have a lot to do with this. That’s what Thriver’s deep inner work is all about.

Can you see how it is your goal to be your true self, regardless of what other people do, choose, or do?

This is another powerful fact. You don’t have the right to change anyone, and it’s not love, because what you’re saying is, “I don’t love you enough to let you be who you are. I want you to be who I need to be to feel loved, safe, and happy.” This is not love, it is control.

I want you to imagine that you’re meeting someone who isn’t a narcissist, you’re active and social, and that person never really wants to do anything, they’re not motivated and they don’t work hard. You’re an active, self-aware person and they sit on the couch watching movies and eating junk food all day, but they can be a sweet soul…

You’re trying to change her and get her off the couch to make you happy not loving. For them to try to stop you out the door and have you on the couch with them to watch TV is not loving. You do not match each other’s values and realities.

Kindness, honesty, integrity, ability to work on solutions, and teamwork are your values and your truth. Narcissists don’t want these things, stop trying to change them. Let them go and get along and choose the people who represent the real you.

This is something about narcissistic abuse. It is a powerful spiritual experience. It’s shockingly off the charts. It’s very painful. There is nothing like it.

This means that there is only one way out of it to recover… to let go of it, turn inward, and become loving, honest, kind, and attentive enough to yourself that you get to that place of, “I now choose, deserve, and align with kindness, care, and honesty.” Anything less than that is not who he is.” Getting there, not just as a concept, but as a reality that is embodied, healed, and whole within you so that it is your new self and your new life.