In light of the holidays, I wanted to discuss the best gift you can ever give yourself: having enough self-esteem to cut off people who make you question your worth, lower your standards, and feel terrible.
Whether it’s with friends, exes, or even family people off is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially if we love the person and realize that we miss him while we are still in a relationship with him. Did you feel that way? Have you ever missed someone while you were still in a relationship or some kind of one-sided communication with them? This usually happens when the other person reveals their true identity and because of that, all the toothpaste leaves the tube. There’s no way to put it back in and your intuition knows the truth. Being selectively deaf and blind to your instinct is no longer an option because it is the only thing you have left to trust.
Related : How To Forgive Yourself For Falling Off Your White Horse
When it comes to cutting people out of your life, I will never insult your intelligence and tell you the types of people you need to cut out. Your gut can feel like a toxic person and a toxic relationship. If you feel emotionally drained, abused, manipulated, devalued, cheated on, like you’re hard to love and respect, or like you need to lower your standards to be in a relationship with someone…
You should think about cutting it. Her patterns have been handed to you by scissors.
When it comes to cutting people out, patterns are the best compass as to how to proceed. Words mean nothing without action that supports them. Just as verbs replace words, patterns REPLACE action.
Everything you want to know about the cut of people can be found by examining their patterns. The actions are great and all but remember-anyone can do something chivalrous. Anyone can book a trip, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card, apologize, or come physically. Can a person be sorry, but not show their patterns and translate real regrets (or do you get more selfish regret and mistake it for real regrets)?
Related : If someone is secretly judging you, they’ll display these 10 subtle behaviors
Take a mental step back and look at the bigger picture – at its patterns. It will allow you to separate the emotional nostalgia associated with romantic actions from the fact of their patterns.
When it comes to cutting people off, for me…
The moment someone’s patterns show that he does not want the best for me, I cut them out.
When their patterns dictate that their ego matters to them more than I do (or will), I cut them off.
Sometimes, you can’t physically cut someone. You have to work with them, go to school with them, or even worse are attached to them. By implementing healthy boundaries, you can cut them emotionally. They will no longer be able to reap the benefits of emotional contact with you. And by getting on your own back, you disabled them from penetrating back to the point of depletion.
Sometimes it’s clear and more in black and white but other times, it’s not so clear.
If you are thinking about cutting people in your life, here’s how to do it with your dignity intact…
Keep in mind that if you have to discuss whether or not to take someone out of your life, this in itself is a pink flag at best and a red flag at worst. The flags are not there for you to put your rose-colored glasses on so that you can be color-blind to them. They are there as signals to act in light of just the self-esteem and love that you have for yourself.
Explaining your side of things is pointless with toxic people. They are not able to communicate outside the selfish candidate of the “comfortable victim”, whom they perceive through life. Explain why you are hurt, and upset, and announce that you are cutting it, etc., It’s nothing but caviar for their ego. Starve them of the abundance that is you by working on what you have experienced.
Realize that you are not dealing with someone who is ever going to logically level with you. You are dealing with a creature of triggers, and enough insecurity, self-loathing, and narcissism to get you to the point of using the scissors their patterns handed you.
Remember that being in any kind of emotional and physical contact with a toxic person will eliminate any respect and love you have for yourself. Your style of putting up with them and giving them opportunities like Halloween candy will translate to them that you value you the least as much as they value you (and themselves). You have to feel too small and insecure to behave in such a way that a good person decides to cut it. Remember that.
By being the training wheels of any toxic person, you become equally toxic. Toxicosis is as contagious as the flu. That’s why you have limits. They are there to protect and strengthen your emotional immune system.
For most of my life, I’ve been peacocking my way out. I thought I was very strong and badass. Now, I look back and I wish I had done what I told you to do. I wish I dared to give myself the gift that I ask you to give yourself this holiday season.
Gift-cut people.
Instead of writing a list of everything you want to buy or solve in the new year, first write down who needs to be cut.
It’s great if you want to get new furniture that matches the beauty of your home. The thing is, until you take out the garbage, the garbage will continue to detract from and ruin the furniture in your house matter how new or top-of-the-line it is.
If you feel guilty for cutting people off, then this is just a sign that you need to keep your boundaries intact, keep your back, and keep loving yourself the way you loved these people. The feeling of guilt will be replaced by peace (and eventually indifference) the moment you think that you deserve this new furniture and appreciate your home enough to take out the trash.
The years it took to rebuild my dignity were not worth it. They didn’t deserve the illusory level of momentarily getting on stage in an amateur hour play I was always a disposable character.
I thought I was strong and assertive when in reality I was weak, determined not to be abandoned (again), scared, reactive, and completely unresponsive.
Reactivity is rooted in not coping with trauma. The response is rooted in action.
Whenever anyone disrespects or hurts me, I would criticize and try to checkmate them through an emotional Mafia play. Then I swore I was done. I was going to cut them.
I soon found out the price at which the investment in the emotional mafia came. My reaction caused something that I could no longer tolerate.
Drama.
The drama that mind f * * ked up, shattered, and damaged me more than the relationship that I had not exited gracefully. A drama that had a serious multiplier effect of occupying key real estate in my head, heart, and life for the following months (sometimes years).
Related : If someone uses these 8 phrases, they’re seeking control in a relationship
As I got older, I realized there was a better way to cut someone who not only kept my dignity intact but built unconditional trust. Whether it was a toxic friendship, a romantic relationship, or a toxic family member, I realized that the best thing to do was to stay away. If I can’t physically get away, I can get away emotionally by accepting who that person revealed themselves to be.
The further away I walk, the less I care what others think. They didn’t know the whole story and they have no right to know it. I knew the truth and that was enough. It is much more difficult to gossip about someone’s decent work than about his descent from his white horse.
When it comes to cutting people off, there is only one way to do it: get away – physically and emotionally. Completely ignore them.
Every time you miss and think about them, replace that thought with redirecting your focus back to their patterns – what they did and how their selfish actions made you feel. Allow yourself to feel anger if it appears and use the fire that anger ignites to push you out of the contraction of pain (instead of burning you to the ground).
Do not diagnose these people. If they can hear you and empathize with you, they will not do the things that they do for everyone (and not just you, no matter how it may seem), at different levels. They don’t care about the articles you send them or know that you think they are narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, and empathetically broke. They take care of themselves and their agenda. If they don’t prioritize that, you won’t read this post. You can’t take people more seriously than they take themselves
Never gossip about them. Never.
This requires discipline, but you are strong enough to do it. Completely ignore these people. If you don’t ignore them, how are you better off than they did to you? Only you are the one who is tormenting yourself right now. The most powerful people in the world are those who do not care about being right, “winning”, or having the last word. They simply fold when it comes to the emotional bed. Nothing is higher, stronger, or more elegant than silence. It’s the ultimate white horse move.
You never need to advise such people. Giving them advice not only shows that you still care but translates that you already believe that they can listen and immediately make a sympathetic transplant. It won’t happen. They will never get it or understand it at the level they deserve.
Related : 10 signs your partner is playing mind games, according to psychology
When it comes to cutting people off, stop looking for them to give you closure. The real closure comes when you make the committed decision to use the scissors they have already handed you instead of keeping them in your pocket to cause more injuries and pain.
Your goal every day should not be to perpetuate the mental loop “How can he/she?”Your goal is to run with the knowledge of” he/she did. Thus, I am rightly folded. I refuse to feel guilty for taking out the trash.”Repeat this until you feel peace creep in because it will. In time, you will become more protective of your peace than you are interested in answering the Bachelor.
It’s not easy, but you can do it.
