These emotional predators use many tactics to fuel their need for power and control, but they can be quite deceptive and experts at concealing their true intentions. Recognizing the signs of an emotional predator will help you protect yourself, especially if you are dating one of these predators.

Dating an emotional predator like a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath is a devastating emotional game of highs and lows.

Although many abusers tend to reveal and reveal their true selves long after they have actually cornered their victims, there are some key signs to look for when dating someone that could portend their future behavior.

It is important to note that emotional predators are not those who act out of their own pain once in a while; These are the toxic people who willfully and consciously pursue victims and targets to further their agenda. They have a chronic pattern of manipulation and deceit with a lack of empathy and remorse for their actions.

What many people fail to understand is that this type of behavior is deliberate, sadistic, and often premeditated.

If these predators suffer from narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, their lack of empathy is intrinsic to their disorder. The National Domestic Violence Hotline dispels the myth that the abuser’s mental illness causes the abuse – because abusers don’t abuse everyone – they often choose to abuse their nearest and dearest.

Choose by the aggressor

In these cases, the cause of the abuse is more from the abuser’s choice rather than his or her mental illness. These individuals can quickly “switch” their masks when in the public eye. This means that their abuse is under their conscious control and that the abuser is still responsible for continuing to abuse others and not seeking treatment.

The predatory nature of these types of individuals has already been well documented and researched by experts such as Dr. Robert Hare, Landy Bancroft, Dr. Martha Stout, therapist Christine Cannon de Louisville, and Dr. George Simon.

Many of them worked with these abusers and their victims as clients. Everyone found that the abuse was intentional and so was the manipulation. Indeed, these researchers and advocates have discovered that many abusers have enjoyed and gained satisfaction from manipulating others for their own gain.

The great thing about dating is that you are not committed to a relationship, so you can use the process as a way to learn more about a potential partner and, if necessary, cut ties if they are found to have abusive traits without becoming more invested in the relationship.

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signs of an emotional predator such as narcissists,

Are you dating an emotional predator? Here are the signs to look out for.

1. A need for control.
   Abusers want to control and manipulate their victims, so they will find secret ways to maintain psychological control over them. They can maintain this control in several ways:

excessive contact.

Although many people don’t realize it, excessive compliments and attention from a charming manipulator is actually a form of control because it makes you dependent on their praise. If you find yourself being bombarded with texts, voicemails, calls, and emails every hour in the early stages of dating, be sure to look out for other signs.

It may seem incredible to have someone hook you up after just one date, but it’s actually a red flag of shady behavior and gratuitous attachment. It’s not normal to be in contact with someone 24/7 especially if you’ve only gone on a couple of dates with them. No one has time to constantly “check in” with someone they are “only” dating.

This type of communication is ideal for abusers to “check in” with you to see what you’re up to, and to make sure you’re appropriately “connected” to their attention, a form of “idealization” that will put you on a pedestal that at first seems irresistible. Of course, if you’re familiar with the narcissist’s vicious cycle of abuse that includes idealization, devaluation, and dumping, you’ll know that you’ll soon break out of the norm.

An unhealthy response to rejection or boundaries.
Unlike dating partners who are simply excited to see you again and express their interest with polite enthusiasm. However, when you’re dating an emotional predator, they’ll get pretty upset if you choose not to respond to them right away or if you resist idealizing them by giving yourself the necessary space.

They won’t wait for you to reply either: they will continue to pester and pursue you with an unhealthy level of interest without knowing much about you. This level of attention isn’t actually “fun” even though it may seem like it at first – it’s just plain scary and dangerous. It reveals a sense of entitlement to your time and presence without regard to your personal preferences, wants, or needs.

When you set boundaries with a potentially toxic partner, they are sure to cross those boundaries. If you refuse to go home with them on a first date, for example, they may still pester you despite knowing your reluctance.

When “no” always seems like a negotiation with someone you’re dating, watch out. This means that you are in the presence of someone who does not respect your right to make your own decisions and maintain your boundaries or values.

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Physical aggression.

As constant boundary breakers, abusers can transcend the physical space of their victims. This type of behavior may not appear until months into the relationship, but sometimes abusers can be physically aggressive with you within a few dates.

Grabbing you too roughly, pushing you during an argument or dispute, violating your personal boundaries in any way, pressuring you into sex, and touching you inappropriately without consent is a red flag to consider. It is a sign that things will get worse in the future.

Knowing that their comments piqued your interest gives them a sadistic sense of satisfaction that relieves their secret sense of inferiority and whacks their delusions of grandeur, control, and poise. Controlling your emotions also gives them the power to effectively manipulate you and convince you that you don’t deserve anything better.

Debasing comments

Comments about your personality, your looks, your line of work, what you should wear, and who you should hang out with are all inappropriate, especially when getting to know someone.

If you find yourself frequently encountering these so-called “helpful” comments on your first few dates, be warned. No one should try to “change” you right away when they get to know you, and if that’s the case, that’s a recipe for chaos.

These provocative comments may be disguised as constructive criticism or “just jokes,” but you can tell them apart because they are often comments filled with condescension rather than sympathy and consideration.

Cruel teasing that serves no other purpose than to make you angry or annoyed, frustrated, and insulted is different from playful teasing, which is used to flirt and build a relationship with your partner.

mockery.

Beware of sarcastic covert tactics. Sarcasm is one of the most powerful weapons in an abuser’s arsenal. Emotional scammers enjoy invalidating your thoughts, opinions, and emotions by making repeated sarcastic remarks that shame you into not questioning them again.

Because sarcasm is not often considered “offensive” by society, abusers use it as a way to escape accountability for their harsh, condescending tone and belittling behavior. They become more and more condescending in their approach to sarcasm throughout the relationship – what was once a “playful” sarcastic comment is now a recurring emotional terror questioning your right to have an opinion that challenges theirs.

Efforts that make you jealous.

If your date constantly brings up previous romantic partners, frequently looks up to other women on your dates (while surreptitiously checking to see if you’re watching them while you do it), and talk about having a romantic “type” that’s a little too far-fetched, you’re on.

A healthy partner will strive to make you feel safe and cherished, not insecure and suspicious. This may be a form of toxic triangulation where the abusive partner tries to create a desirable image while insulting your advantages so that you are encouraged to compete for his or her attention.

The silent treatment.

Abusers may revert to silence if their authority is questioned or their abuse is brought up. This may prompt you to pursue them further, to try to force them to “validate” your feelings and admit that they are wrong.

Unfortunately, you are giving them more power just by doing this. They will eventually come, but only after you breathe them in and eventually apologize for being so “harsh” even when you’ve done nothing wrong other than express yourself.

3. Inconsistent personality and behavior.
   More skilled abusers will memorize “hot and cold” tactics when they enter long-term relationships, but abusers may give you a sample of this even during the first month of dating. They do this through the following:

Projection and gaslighting.

Narcissistic dating partners and other toxic people are also adept at gaslighting and projection, techniques they use to convince society that their victims are the crazy ones and to convince their victims that their reality is inaccurate.

The effects of this type of manipulation are incredibly deadly in the long run for the victims, so it is important to notice the signs early in the process of dating an emotional predator so that you can more quickly detach from the different kinds of reality these toxic partners are likely to force upon you.

Gaslighting and projection are very clever tactics that allow toxic dating partners to shift the blame for their characteristics onto you while also enabling them to escape accountability for their hypocrisy, deceit, and hateful behavior.

How do you know?

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable about something a dating partner did or said and later rejected, minimized, or offered you, remember that narcissists enjoy calling others “crazy.” It’s a common word they’ll use to describe any valid emotional reaction victims have to their own suspicious and inconsistent behavior.

It is gaslighting in its simplest form but over time it becomes a complex type of psychological torture where the victim begins to mistrust his or her perceptions of covert abuse and feels unable to trust his or her reality.

Stalling (closing the conversation before it even begins), silent remedies, and devaluation soon follow to maintain control. Narcissists can easily maintain the illusion of their false selves when their behavior is called out and denigrate their victims so that the covert abuse will not be recognized or addressed without the dire consequences of walking on eggshells.

How do you understand the difference?

To understand the difference between a partner who offers you constructive criticism or simply disagrees with you and a partner who routinely brings out their qualities and spotlights you, look closely at their actions rather than their words.

Does the person you’re dating often seem to accuse you of the same characteristics, traits, or actions they seem guilty of? Do they call you a hypocrite when they are the ones who often contradict their suggested beliefs? When you call them out rude, do they bring up something irrelevant you did in response, to bring the subject back up to you instead?

For example, you might meet narcissistic partners who initially possess you, keep track of where you go and who you are with, seem to check on you 24/7 and call you if you dare show signs of flirting or making out with another man.

However, the moment you call out signs of potential infidelity on their part or question any lies that don’t quite add up, they may unleash their narcissistic rage and light you up into thinking you’re a jealous and possessive person and telling you you’re “reinvesting heavily in the relationship early on.” Very – downplaying the fact that they’ve been keeping you in check since the start.

These narcissists are so subtle, sneaky, conniving, and utterly persuasive that you’re often driven to apologize for surviving them at all. Take care!

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1. Superficial charm.
   There are an infinite number of toxic people who begin their scams with superficial charm combined with self-absorption and an actual lack of empathy or substance. You can begin to discover how superficial their behavior is once you get some practice in identifying nonverbal gestures and nuances in facial expressions and tone of voice.

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Skilled predators are very charming and you can easily learn to see this by observing the way they exaggerate how they feel about you and their slick ways of showing they “care” when they don’t.

For example, hearing “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else” on a first or second date is not only premature, but it’s also most likely a lie that impresses you. When this charm is coupled with actions that don’t align with the abuser’s words, such as the fact that this person never asks you about your interests or passions despite being “in love” with you, you soon realize these are just superficial ways of getting into your head (and most likely your bed).

2. Pathological lying.
   Do you catch the person in repeated lies or stories that don’t add up? Do they “feed” your information so that the full story will eventually unfold over time? The girl he was hanging out with was just a “female friend”, and he suddenly mentions that he used to date her.

The guy you see at Sunday brunch is a “mere” fellow, but then you find out he’s an ex-husband. Everyone indeed saves some important information on their first few dates for later and everyone makes mistakes or tells “white lies” to maintain their self-image once in a while.

However, if these lies seem chronically common, it’s not a good idea to start a relationship with them. Disclosure, honesty, and open communication are foreign words to the abuser who lives in a world of lies.

3. Too many disappearances.
   At first, the guy you were dating was always over you, bombarding you with calls and texts. Suddenly, they disappear for days, only to come back again as if nothing had happened. These disappearances, often staged without convincing explanations, are a way to manage your expectations and make you “eager” for contact.

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4. The attitude towards you is changing.
   Abusers engage in black-and-white thinking and this leads to emotional polarization in the way they view you. You are either “the one” when you cater to their needs or you suddenly become the villain if you disappoint them in any way or threaten their fragile sense of superiority.

Beware of this “hot and cold” behavior, as it is another tactic for managing your expectations and keeping you on your toes. Even if you don’t like this person, if you tend to be the people-pleasing type, you may fall into the trap of trying to avoid rejection and win their favor. It’s “reverse psychology” at its finest.

5. Intermittent reinforcement.
   This is a psychological tactic that causes you to try to please a toxic person, even if they are abusing you. The abuser gets your “best behavior” for you without changing their behavior.

Abusers like to give “crumbs” after their victims have already been seduced by the idea of a whole loaf of bread. You may find yourself on the receiving end of praise, flattery, and attention one day, only to receive cold silence the next.

Occasionally, you’ll get the same idealism that you did on the first few dates, but more than likely, you’ll get a mixture of hot and cold, leaving you unsure of the relationship’s fate.

Tips for dealing with emotional predators in dating:
If you notice any of these red flags after the first few dates or during the first few months of dating, don’t proceed. Since it is during the first few dates that a person’s best behavior is usually presented, you can be sure that things will never get better. You can’t fix this person and you risk getting emotionally invested in someone who is out to hurt you on purpose.

1. Be careful.
   If you choose to reject the abuser outright, it may infuriate them or they may use “pity tricks” or angry teases to convince you that you should go out with them again. Not calling if someone is bothering you, upsetting you, or making you feel uncomfortable in any way is a better tactic. Block his number and any other means he might use to contact you. If they are being disrespectful, they don’t deserve a polite response.

If they continue to harass you, document the evidence and tell them that you will take legal action if necessary. If you are trying to date online, make sure you block the scammer from the site you are using after you document his messages with screenshots.

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2. Be light when dating someone new.
   Do not provide personal information such as your address, home phone number, or any other means of reaching you besides a cell phone number. If possible, use an alternative like Google Voice Number or another text messaging app and still get to know the person. You must put your safety and privacy first.
3. Resist projection and gassing.
   Stick to what you know is true. Don’t allow your toxic dating partner to belittle or deny the things he or she has said or done. When a dating partner tries to put the spotlight on you or bring out your qualities on you, know that this is a clear red flag of emotional infantilism and would not be appropriate for a long-term relationship.

It is helpful to keep a diary during the dating process to jot down any inconsistencies, red flags, emotions, and/or gut feelings that may arise. You’ll want to refer to this journal often to keep your perceptions grounded and your inner sense of truth.

4. Keep your eyes open.
   Be ready and open to learning about both the bad and the good. While we all like to see the best in people, we mustn’t also light ourselves up in denying or minimizing the signs that someone isn’t compatible with us. The signs will always be there, and even if they don’t present themselves quite clearly, your instinct will tell you when something isn’t quite right.