Toxic or bad behavior? How do you rate it when someone behaves badly toward you?
Toxic is used to describe anything and everything these days. Why?

As Joanna Williams of Spiked says, it’s not a suggestion, an argument, or a description. When you categorize someone as toxic, you negatively categorize them, giving yourself permission to dismiss, avoid, criticize, etc.

“It’s not an argument. It’s a flashing siren warning people to stay away.”

I recommend (strongly) that you work on describing what other people do, not calling it toxic. Describing is the representation of someone (or something) in words while characterization is the portrayal of someone (or something) in a certain way, usually negative. Williams notes meticulously that calling someone “toxic” limits all discussion—it ends any attempt to connect with the person.

We all misbehave often

There are three steps you can take to deal with someone who is behaving badly toward you

(1) How do I react to bad behavior?
(2) describe what you don’t like; And
(3) How do I respond appropriately and effectively?

1. How do I react to bad behavior?
   In Jane Austen’s Emma, a young man pretended to be courting the main character, Emma. When she found out, she said, “It was forced on me, but it didn’t hurt me.” Mr. Churchill, the scoundrel, had imposed in Emma’s time, was dishonest, and forbade her to take an interest in other young men. He didn’t hurt her. She didn’t take it personally, i.e. she didn’t feel “offended”.

This is a great example of how to know when you are personally reacting to someone else’s bad behavior. Feeling “hurt” in such situations returns from a younger age; As children, we take everything personally because we lack an adult perspective.

When adults do us wrong (eg, not paying attention, not making promises that betray gratitude, being critical, or being unkind), remember that they are imposing on us, not hurting us. We are not victims. If we act hurtfully, we will 100% act badly in return. Considered judgment about how to respond to others should be based on the recognition that they can impose it on us without harming us.

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2. Describe what you don’t like
   Once you’ve taken some time to think about how the injury might make you feel in some way, you can work on identifying how the other person is “forcing” you. You want to describe how the procedure doesn’t work for you — not that person is “toxic.”

Notice that saying something doesn’t suit you and how it doesn’t suit you is to harden yourself. Given that you’ve sorted out the personal part, what you like or dislike, remains on its own. You can work on such preferences.

3. How do I respond appropriately and effectively?
   How do you respond to others when they are imposed on you? I’ll take a simple example of having a planned lunch with a friend who made me wait for about 20 minutes. My first reaction (which is automatic, not natural), is to feel “insulted” (ie “hurt”) by that person’s “rudeness”.

I take the time to “calm down” the anger I feel and how “sassy” she is. I remember the difference between being “imposed” and being “injured.” And once I do that, I can begin to tackle the issue of being kept on hold.

Here is my strategy for dealing with a friend:

I leave the restaurant and go about my day. I say or text something like, “I missed having lunch with you today because you weren’t able to at the time we arranged.”
Then I say that not doing it on time did not work for me, that is, it did not suit me to wait 20 minutes. For example, I might say, “I wasn’t willing to wait for you because I had other plans. I have a very tight schedule today.”
If I want to maintain the friendship, I’ll then say, “I’d like to reschedule when it’s convenient for both of us.”

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Here are the general principles I used in the example above. First and foremost, I work to maintain my independence — I act on my behalf. I continued my day. I didn’t sit back and rage at her “insolence”. I described what the person did that didn’t work for me. I stick to treating other people’s behaviors that don’t work for me as “don’t work for me” actions. “This doesn’t work for me” is a strong statement of my position without belittling anyone.

I do not characterize their behavior (for example, “You are rude to me for being late”). I described the procedure, as being late or not being able to arrive on time. It takes a lot of preparation and practice to describe another person’s actions rather than characterizing or categorizing them.

I made no assumptions about the other person’s intentions toward me. Making assumptions about why she was late would set me back to seeing her as a “slut”.

I guarantee that most people do not accept/agree with our descriptions of their actions. At the same time, they can’t object to describing their actions because they affect me. Even though you are making hard efforts to treat others well, they may act as if you have accused them of some “injury” and react defensively.

Don’t lose your cool. Don’t try to explain. Don’t hold back, you’ve done a good job managing your reaction. Just repeat what you’ve already said, emphasizing that it didn’t do you any good to wait, not that they were behaving badly.

Abandon labeling people as “toxic”

Joanna Williams wrote a great article, noting, “We’re all toxic now.” She believes, “The style of putting toxins before everything tells us that there are some who perceive all aspects of life—especially other people—as not only wrong or bad, but physically harmful and dangerous.”

Dealing with others, even when they are behaving badly, can be controlled with an effective approach and the effort to implement it. It takes courage.