Falling in love usually happens before we really know our partner. This happens to us because we are at the mercy of subconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time a relationship turns into abuse, we are attached and want to maintain our connection and love.

There may have been hints of abuse in the beginning that we overlooked – abusers are good at seduction and wait until they know a partner is a drug addict before showing their true colours. By then, love is established and does not die easily. It’s hard to leave an abuser. It is possible and even likely to know that we are insecure and still love the abuser. Research shows that victims of violence experience an average of seven incidents before they leave their partner permanently.

It can be humiliating to remain in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand ask why we love an abusive person, and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are good reasons. Our urges are beyond our awareness and control because we are forced to attach in order to survive. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.

Denial of survival

If we are not treated with respect in our family and our self-esteem is low, we will tend to deny the abuse. We will not expect to be treated better than the way we were controlled, humiliated or punished by a parent. Denial does not mean that we do not know what is happening. Instead, we minimize or justify it and/or its impact. We may not realize that it is actually abuse. Research shows that we refuse to survive to stay related and reproduce for the survival of the species. The facts and feelings that usually undermine love are downplayed or distorted so that we ignore them or blame ourselves in order to continue to love. By appeasing our partner and communicating love, we stop hurting. Love is renewed and we feel safe again.

Idealism and the compulsion to repeat

When we fall in love, if we haven’t overcome our childhood trauma, we are more likely to idealize our partner when dating. We will likely look for someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, and who does not necessarily remind us of our parent of the opposite sex. We may be attracted to someone who has aspects of both parents. In Freudian parlance, this is known as repetition compulsion and helps us overlook signs that might indicate a problem.

cycle of abuse

After an abusive episode, there is often a honeymoon period. The abuser may seek connection and act romantically, apologetically, or remorsefully. Regardless, we are relieved that there is peace for now. We believe in promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we are committed to it. Violation of the emotional bond seems worse than abuse. We long to feel connected again. Often the abuser claims to love us. We want to believe it and feel reassured about a hopeful and loving relationship. Our denial provides the illusion of security. This is the so-called “merry-go-round” of denial that occurs in alcoholic relationships after a bout of drinking followed by promises of sobriety.

low self-esteem

Because of low self-esteem, we believe the abuser’s belittlement, blame, and criticism, which reduces our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They do it intentionally for power and control. We have been brainwashed into believing that we have to change to make a relationship work. We become easily manipulated, blaming ourselves and trying hard to meet the abuser’s demands. We may interpret sexual overtures, gestures of kindness, or the mere absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as self-confidence declines, our love and idealization of the abuser remains intact. We may even doubt that anything better can be found.

sympathy

Many of us sympathize with the abuser, but not with ourselves. We are unaware of our needs and would feel ashamed to ask for them. This makes us vulnerable to manipulation if the abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (they usually have one). Our empathy feeds our denial system by providing justification, justification, and minimization of the pain we endure. Most victims hide the abuse from their friends and relatives to protect the abuser, out of compassion and shame about being abused. Secrecy is wrong and gives the abuser more power.

Positive aspects

There is no doubt that the abuser and the relationship have positive aspects that we either enjoy or miss, especially the early romance and good times. We remember or look forward to repeating it if we stay. We imagine that if he or she could control his or her anger or agree to get help or just change one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.

Abusers are also often good providers, provide a social life, or have special talents. Narcissists can be very interesting and charming. Many spouses claim that they enjoy the narcissist’s company and lifestyle despite the abuse. People with borderline personality traits light up your life with excitement. . . When they are in a good mood. Sociopaths pretend to be what you want. . . For their own purposes. You won’t realize what they’re up to for a while.

Intermittent reinforcement

When we receive intermittent positive and occasional negative and unexpected reinforcements, we continue to look for the positive. It keeps us addicted to drugs. Partners may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may want closeness periodically. After a wonderful, intimate evening, they withdraw, withdraw, or become abusive. When we don’t hear from the person, we feel anxious and continue to seek closeness. We mistakenly call our pain and longing love.

Especially people with a personality disorder may do this intentionally. They play games to manipulate us and control us by rejecting or abstaining. Then they randomly meet our needs. We have become addicted to searching for a positive response. Over time, the withdrawal periods become longer, but we are trained to survive, walk on eggshells, wait and hope for connection. This is called “trauma bonding” because of repeated cycles of abuse in which intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change. This explains why it is difficult to leave abusive relationships, and we become dependent on the abuser. We can lose ourselves completely when we try to please the abuser and not anger him. Bits of kindness or closeness feel more emotive (like make-up sex) because we’re so starved and relieved to feel loved. This feeds the cycle of abuse.

Abusers will turn on the charm if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary ploy to reassert control. Expect to go through a withdrawal process after you leave. Maybe you still miss and love your abusive ex.

When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and cannot escape physical harm, we can develop “Stockholm Syndrome,” a term applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even the absence of violence feels like a sign of friendship and care. The attacker seems less threatening, and we begin to imagine that he or she is our friend and that we are in this together.

This occurs in intimate relationships that are less risky due to the strength of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual connection. We are loyal to a fault. We want to protect the aggressor we are attached to, not ourselves. We feel guilty when we talk to strangers, leave a relationship, or call the police. Strangers who try to help feel threatened. For example, counselors and Twelve-Step programs can be viewed as interlopers who “want to brainwash us and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates us from help. . . What does the abuser want?