Why is it important to starve the narcissist? Because while you are still feeding the narc with supplies through your reactions, you are necessarily still in the cycle of abuse. Therefore, breaking the cycle of abuse begins with emotional detachment. When you starve the narcissist, your journey to freedom begins.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) fuel their self-beliefs by hoarding the attention and admiration of those around them. This is known as narcissistic display and is arguably a form of addiction. This is what daffodils live for. Quite literally, all they are doing is securing supplies.
Ideally, for narcissists, the display is positive, with adoration affirming views of their worthiness, greatness, and superiority over everyone around them.
That’s not all that makes them tick though. They are also almost equally happy with negative attention. As long as the spotlight is on them, they will be fed, and you, my dear, are the feast.
For non-narcissists, this is confusing, and one of the most difficult things to understand. How can anyone get high from making others miserable? From harming those they apparently ‘love’?
Things start to fall into place when we realize that while flattery is the narc’s juice, so is their need to exert power and control over others. Hence, it stands to reason that in the absence of worship, the ability to attract negative attention through emotional reactions is similarly satisfying as a form of display.
This way, you remain the focus of their attention, and they prove to themselves that they actually have power over you. After all, you probably wouldn’t bother engaging in negative and harmful situations when the person in question isn’t important to you, right?
Just think of a slice of narcissistic manipulation: gaslighting, triangulation, isolation, devaluation, denial, projection, smear campaigns, control, invalidation, word power, generalizations, distortion of the truth, refusal to take accountability, threats, moving hit lists, and the expectation of perfection. …and the list goes on.
All of these tactics are designed to provoke a negative emotional reaction in you (that’s right, not necessarily from you – just internalize the negativity), which confirms to the narcissist that he maintains power and control over you. Unfortunately, the more you interact with the bait and provide them with supplies, the hungrier they become.
This sounds very doom and gloom, but it increases your awareness of what drives their behavior, and offers insight into how you can begin to take back your power.
Here are some practical steps you can take to start shortening the cycle of abuse by refusing to continue feeding the narc.
Be kind and gentle with yourself as you begin to implement these things, and know that you have been programmed to think and act with only a focus on meeting the needs of the narc in your life.
It will take effort and time to break these patterns, but you can take these steps to starve the narcissist and begin the recovery journey even while he or she is still in your life. These actions will get you closer to where you want to be: drug-free and full of joy.
- Educate yourself
Primarily, make it your personal mission to become an expert in NPD and its associated manipulation tactics.
janko-ferlic-174927-unsplash Read as much as you can – books, articles, blog posts; Listen to podcasts. Join support groups; Check YouTube. Whatever you can get to educate yourself, do it now. Check out the Recommended Wisdom page on the site for recommended literature that is guaranteed to have many eureka moments!
Recognizing the tricks used to undermine you will make it easier for you to determine when they are being applied to you. It also reminds you that it’s not you! They are, and the Cluster B Personality Disorder that can be diagnosed: NPD. Beyond validating the abuse, and that it’s not you, this information teaches you about the elements of predictability in their behavior. Arm yourself and get ready for the next step.
- Observe like a curious scientist
This stage is about starting to naturally neutralize your emotional reactions, thus changing the power ties that your abuser has over you. Having begun to increase the knowledge that you are not you, you have already begun. The second procedure to complete inner transformation is to practice adopting the attitude of “observing the narcissist’s behaviors as a curious scientist.”
When you interact with them and begin to notice that you are feeling disturbed, anxious, fearful and insecure, you can be sure that they are applying one of the manipulation techniques that you have learned yourself.
Now is the time for you to pause and start observing. Ask yourself which tactic that could be, and watch them use it.
Practicing this reinforces that you are addressing the narcissistic abuse, and that it is not you.
It is worth noting that your refusal to continue to own and accept what you are being dealt with has begun. This gradually undermines your engagement with the narc and your emotional reactivity when you are attacked.
- Starve the narcissist
Staying under attack is not an option. It is time for you to dismantle and starve the narcissist and protect yourself, starting now.
Now that you’ve prepared yourself with Steps 1 and 2, it’s time to stop one behavior and start a new one.
Stop explaining yourself. It’s time to shine the light of the curious world on yourself. How many times a day do you find yourself justifying every little detail to your attacker? How do you feel when you do this? Is it a programmed reaction where you don’t even think it’s necessary to explain yourself, or does it come from a place of thought and awareness that you think deserves an explanation?
If you are reading this, automatic rationalizations are likely your primary form of communication with your abuser because you have been programmed that this is what is expected of you.
Being attached in this way, whether the fire person is your partner, parent, colleague or friend, makes you feel very small and worthless. This is because when you are in this cycle, you give up your power. You agree that you owe them everything they brainwash you into handing over. It’s basically a top notch source for your narc.
Start using non-defensive statements. This is similar to stopping endless explanations, as your mindset needs to be in the same place as you seek to disengage and disengage from games.
Where chronic rationalization is largely a pre-emptive strike, just in case the narc reacts poorly to any given situation (you know, it’s all about walking on eggshells), non-defensive statements are about what to do when you’re actually attacked* And the manipulations come hard and fast on you.
Some examples of non-defensive statements are:
I’m sorry you don’t agree with “xyz”.
You are absolutely entitled to your opinions.
I agree that your perception is that I’m “xyz” – this is not about agreeing with them, it’s about saying that you don’t get into the word “hell salad” anymore.
I’m sorry you’re angry/hurt etc.
I heard you feeling angry/hurt etc.
I hear what you’re saying.
Interesting topic.
Show.
It is a good idea to practice it in regular interactions to counteract the programming and ease your comfort by using it when needed with your narc.
If you are also codependent, these are also likely to be generally helpful in relationships other than yours with your narc, recognizing that these attachment patterns may be particularly difficult for you to break.
Although it is difficult, whether you depend on others or not, you can do it. Focus on your goals: regaining your power, freedom, and a life of joy. Keep these things in your heart, mind and soul. Use it as a mantra of empowerment as you take these vital steps to break free from your fire.
warning! When you starve a narcissist, supplies are withheld from them. The narc will not like your internal transformations. The change in you will make them unhappy because you will deprive the narcissist of his drugs. The thing is, your life isn’t about making them happy. It’s about making you happy. To get to this place, you must take steps to protect yourself and move toward freedom.
You are strong. you are brave. You are so worthy. you can do that.
Please leave a comment below with your insights on how to emotionally dethrone and starve a narcissist, and any advice for those who are in the process of educating themselves about narcissistic abuse. Sharing and encouraging others is so essential to help us all on our journey to recovery.
*Note – None of these suggestions are advocated if you ever feel unsafe whether physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally or psychologically. Your safety should be your primary concern. Please contact the authorities and support services in your local area for immediate assistance.
