Have you ever had a friend who goes from hot to cold with you? One minute you’re the best thing since sliced bread, then two weeks later they’re looking like you and pretending you don’t exist!

There is a possibility that you are (or were) dealing with a narcissistic friend.

I can think back to my high school years and pick out a few friends who were a lot like that. At that time I was so confused when they were so cold to me, I always thought: “What did I do wrong?” Then when they pull me back in, I’m overcome with feelings of relief.

Unfortunately, narcissistic friends don’t always skip high school. They grow up to be narcissistic adults, who will inevitably have friends along the way who will drag them through the cycle of abuse.

Let’s take a look at the typical narcissistic abuse cycle, then review some signs that you may be dealing with a narcissistic friend.

Narcissistic Friend Abuse Cycle

Narcissists are actually pretty cookie cutter in the way they operate, whether it be a friend, coworker, family member, or intimate partner.

When you have a narcissistic friend in your life, you can bet that you will keep navigating through his system of abuse until he dumps you, puts you back in his place, or you move away for good.

perfection

The first stage is idealization, where narcissistic friends are notorious for “love bombing.” It’s during this stage that their newest, shiniest toy is on.

The idealization stage is where the narcissist has pegged you as the most exciting and valuable supply source at that time. They want to hook you and insure you because they don’t want to lose that exposure.

The way they attract you is a combination of being charming, generous, and seeming to give you the things you look for and appreciate in a person.

How do they know what to look for? They will gain your trust so quickly that you will open up to them and reveal many of your greatest desires, hopes, dreams, and fears.

Narcissists are very good at mirroring people in a way that makes you think, “Oh my God, they just got me. We share a lot of the same dreams and hobbies. This must be what the friendship is about.”

The idealization phase can be quite intoxicating.

Things you can expect during the idealization stage:

Gifts and generosity
to praise
Attention and admiration
Compliments and flattery
Share stories
sympathy
Promises
It’s natural for your mind to think that the person you initially knew is who that person should really be. Therefore, when you begin the next stages, it will be easier for you to justify any harsh or negative behavior.

the incident

The next thing that will happen in the narcissistic abuse cycle is where some type of incident occurs, ending the idealization phase and causing the narcissist to devalue.

Most of the time, you won’t even know what an “accident” is. You may have said something in passing that triggered a narcissistic injury in them.

Or you may have set boundaries that the narc doesn’t like, whether intentional or not.

Other reasons could be that your sense of self is too strong and the narc knows they will never be able to manipulate you enough or perhaps they have found a better source in someone else.

Examples of things that can cause a currency to depreciate:

We disagree with them
Set boundaries
The narcissist finds a new, “better” source.
They get bored with you
You start to see through them
They feel you slipping away and need to tighten their grip on you
You are completely exhausted and have nothing left to give
Currency devaluation
Next comes the stage of devaluing the narcissistic friend. At this point, the narcissist has possessed you and parts of his or her true personality are slipping away.

It is extremely exhausting for narcissists to pretend to be nice, charming, attentive, and generous.

You see, when narcissists killed their true selves many years ago, they also cut off the traits that make a person a true human being, such as kindness, compassion, and empathy.

They aim to weaken you so that they can control you more easily.

Although it is difficult to understand, the narcissist does not care about you at all. You are only there to serve them and feed them with narcissistic supply. This is it.

However, our minds struggle to understand or see narcissists for who they are because their manipulations are so heavy and well played, especially during the love bombing phase.

Examples of currency devaluation:

Insults and criticism
suppression
rejection
anger
The silent treatment
Passive aggression
blame
Public ridicule
Gaslighting to keep you confused and questioning your reality

The final stage in the narcissistic abuse cycle is neglect.

Pretty much ignored as it seems. The narcissist is done with you and is ready to get rid of you. You are now an exhausted toy, no longer serving as a convenient source of supply for your ego’s insatiable hunger.

This is where the narcissist abandons you.

How a narcissist ignores:

He ignores you and scares you
It disappears completely
He blames you for everything
It increases the depreciation of the currency
They won’t make any effort
It blocks information, emotions, resources, etc.
Starts a smear campaign (spreading false stories about you to others)
Their mask falls off completely (you see who they really are for the first time, which is bad!)