If you’ve ever been with a narcissist, you’ll be very aware of how damaging their absolute lack of accountability is in relationships.
You’ll find yourself arguing over the simplest things, and even trying to defend yourself against things you know you’d never do! The smallest circumstances can take you into a trap of confusion and anxiety.
The truth is that a narcissist does not have the ability to look at themselves and take responsibility the way a healthy person does. Healthy people want to improve themselves as much as they want to cultivate relationship dynamics.
“The problem isn’t my behavior, it’s the fact that you’re calling me.”
Narcissists have no interest in personal growth or self-improvement. What the narcissist wants is for you to go along with their false and stupid illusion with unwavering loyalty.
So, if anyone is going to change to meet another person’s needs, it will be you and never them. And this is how we end up giving more and more of ourselves to the narcissist, all in a desperate attempt to make things “better,” which will never work.
Let’s explore the real reason behind narcissists and why they will never have the desire or resources to take responsibility in relationships.
Understanding Narcissism
A narcissistic person is completely focused on himself, to the point that everyone outside himself is just a tool for him to get what he wants.
Narcissists are created through trauma, usually at some point in their childhood. Their circumstances have left them with such deep feelings of shame, rejection, and unworthiness that they have created an inverted version of themselves.
They realized (unconsciously) that it was not safe and it was not good to experience such intense negative emotions. Therefore, they made the decision to amputate the aspect of themselves responsible for their deepest feelings and emotions – their true self.
By cutting off contact with their true selves, all they have left is their ego. However, the ego is not authentic and can only be a self-created illusion or false self.
For their ego to survive, it needs constant attention, validation, and approval to repeat the phrase “I’m amazing.” I’m perfect. “I am a god.”
The narcissist lives in a false reality where he truly believes he is superior. Anything or anyone who dares to challenge their reality must be exterminated in order to protect their warped world.
You see, underneath the charade, they are still scared, emotionally stunted children who are afraid to sink back into the truth of who they are. But since they refuse to acknowledge that broken inner child, their only option is to continue inflating their ego.
The ego is a harsh inner critic, so once you stop feeding it validation from the outside world, regarding how “cool” it is, it will revert back to narcissist status.
Ego whispers…
“If you don’t sleep with 5 people this week, you’re disgusting and undesirable.”
“If you’re not making ‘x’ amount of dollars, you’re worthless and unsuccessful.”
“If you’re not seen as doing sexy things, you’re pathetic.”
…And it goes on.
You can see why it is so necessary, in a narcissist’s world, to avoid anything that leads to feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness.
In other words, their lack of responsibility in relationships is a direct result of their need to constantly support their illusion of perfection, in order to protect their false reality.
If the narcissist were to take responsibility and admit fault in any way throughout the relationship, even in small things, that would directly threaten his existence.
You are dealing with an unscrupulous person who will stop at nothing to protect his false self.
It is important to realize that when a narcissist cuts off access to his true, divine self, he also cuts off the ability to feel all the things that make us inherently human. These include empathy, compassion, kindness, and authenticity.
Their entire survival strategy is based on delusion and manipulation and they don’t have the moral compass to care about how it affects everyone else, without exception.
The Narcissist’s Lack of Accountability in Relationships
There are many ways in which narcissists will play up their complete and utter lack of responsibility in relationships. But they all boil down to the same thing, shifting the focus away from themselves and back to you, no matter what.
You can bring all the evidence you want to the table, it won’t make any difference. If all else fails for the narcissist and they cannot deny their words or actions, they will play the victim to explain why none of it was their fault.
Below are the many ways a narcissist implements his lack of accountability into relationships.
One of the most common narcissistic tactics of irresponsibility in relationships is projection. You know all those times the narcissist blamed you for the things they were doing? This is projection.
You feel very confused about how they could accuse you of doing what you both know you just did. Your head is spinning as you spend all your energy trying to defend yourself. You try to reason with the narcissist that you are a good person and that you would never do these things.
But their anger escalates as your sense of self deteriorates.
Narcissists completely reveal all their cards when they undertake a project. They will accuse you of the very things they are doing or about to do. To avoid having to feel shame and guilt for their actions, they will project it onto you instead.
Examples of projection:
“I know you’re cheating on me. Why were you out for so long yesterday?”
- When they cheat or plan to cheat.
“Everything should always be about you, right!”
- In the rare moment when things don’t matter.
“What have you been doing all week? The place is a mess.”
- after they spent the whole week floundering.
“Why do you have to lie?”
– They constantly lie through their teeth.
What really happens when narcissistic people project is that they impose their reality on you. In other words, they cannot allow any accusations to tarnish their false image, so they will be immediately kicked out and sent back to you.
Accepting responsibility means that the narcissist must admit fault and admit that he is not fully God.
Taking responsibility means exposing the very image that the narcissist relies on to relieve his inner pain. They need their false image in order to manipulate people into delivering the narcissistic supply, which is their drug.
So, when you try to make the narcissist take responsibility for something they did, the ego immediately sees you as a threat. The ego wants to eliminate the threat, in order to protect itself and maintain the illusion of a false self.
The narcissist’s ego takes no accountability, so he forces mistakes on you. Now, the narcissist really sees you as the person who did the horrific things.
Although it’s twisted, there’s no way to reason with a narcissist or make them understand (even if you have solid evidence). They live in a distorted reality and do not have the resources to see things any other way. Once they decide on their crazy version of the “truth” and repeat it to enough people who will listen, it has now become an established truth in their world.
Shifting blame and accusations
With a narcissist’s lack of accountability in relationships, he or she will not only avoid personal responsibility, but will actively find things to blame you for instead.
This tactic is used to shift the spotlight away from themselves and fake a completely negative narrative about someone else.
You’ll be so busy trying to defend yourself against their accusations, whether real or imaginary, that the original topic of your concern will be completely forgotten.
Accusing yourself is also a great way for the narcissist to explain why the things he said or did were your fault, not his. It is a complete avoidance of accountability.
