Once you reach adulthood and eventually have children, it is only natural that you want your children to have wonderful grandparents who love and adore them.
Unfortunately, when it comes to narcissistic grandmothers, your kids won’t have a sweet, loving grandmother of that personality. And if it’s your mom we’re talking about, you probably haven’t got the mom you really need.
It is unfortunate for my children that both of their grandmothers are narcissists…not that they have that awareness. Between my overbearing narcissistic mother and my covertly narcissistic ex, I guess you could say all bases are covered.
Just as with their children, narcissists do not have the scope or ability to truly and unconditionally love their grandchildren, though they can often present a good facade. And just as with their children, their grandchildren are just extensions of themselves who can be pawned as they see fit, so that they can extract supplies for themselves.
This does not mean that you and your children cannot spend quality time with their narcissistic grandmother. As we well know, there are always good times and bad when dealing with a narcissist.
What we’ll look at here are the many insidious ways in which narcissistic grandmothers behave badly throughout the lives of their unsuspecting children and grandchildren.
Narcissism Explained
Narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD) is a mental condition that is largely unscreened or diagnosed. Once you see the list of narcissism symptoms below, you can begin to understand why.
Common traits of narcissism
Inflated sense of self-importance
Feelings of entitlement and superiority (without doing anything to earn it)
Need admiration and constant attention
Preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, talent, attractiveness, and/or an ideal partner
Take control of the conversations
Look at those who think they are less than them
Lack of empathy toward other people’s needs (it’s all about them)
Arrogant and proud
Expect special treatment and consistent compliance from others
I will never take responsibility for any mistakes to others
As you can see, narcissists are highly entitled creatures. They genuinely believe they are more special than everyone else and have no capacity for self-reflection or to take responsibility for their own cruel and hurtful behaviour.
Do some (or all) of these traits sound like a grandmother you knew?
Are narcissistic grandmothers capable of love?
I’m just going to tear off the bandage and say – no, narcissistic grandmothers are incapable of loving their grandchildren (or even their children for that matter).
When the narcissist was young, they would unconsciously kill their true selves because of the trauma. Because of this, they only have their own ego left to live with for the rest of their lives. Their egos created a false self as a means of survival, but without their true selves, they were left without direct contact with their own life force.
In other words, in order for the narcissist to feel anything besides what he left them (self-loathing, deep shame, complete unworthiness and misery), they have turned into active vampires. The only way for them to avoid looking inward is to steal the life force of others, which only gives them temporary relief from being with themselves. They are constantly wandering around looking for their next source, just like a drug addict.
It is important to understand that when a narcissist kills their true self, they are also severing the qualities that make us human. Things like love, compassion, empathy, kindness, and authenticity cannot exist for the narcissist anymore.
Although heartbreaking, narcissistic grandmothers view their grandchildren as first-rate, because these innocent young people could easily give the grandmother all the attention and admiration she craves.
Once the grandchildren are older and wiser and more independent, the dynamics can change a lot – and not always in favor of the grandmothers!
Let’s continue and take a look at some of the signs that you might be dealing with a narcissistic grandmother.
Signs of Narcissistic Grandmothers
She will ‘buy’ the grandchildren’s love
We all know that grandparents in general love to spoil their grandchildren, which is almost a right of way. However, in the case of narcissistic grandmothers, the transfer of gifts and money could have a more sinister reason.
Narcissists are basically empty vessels, needing the outside world to constantly validate themselves so they can have a sense of being “alive”.
If you get the chance to look under their hood, you’ll find that they don’t actually have anything to offer.
Deep down, the narcissistic grandmother knows she has nothing to offer, which is why she often gives gifts or money as a way to “buy” her grandchildren’s love. In doing so, she is able to manipulate children with this underlying feeling, “I did this for you / I gave you all these things, and now you owe me.”
Grandma is basically “taking care” of her grandchildren.
Remember, a narcissist does nothing for free. Everything is transactional, which means that if they do something for you, there will undoubtedly be expectations of you in return…even if you don’t know what those expectations are.
The problem is that even though a grandmother may offer trinkets, gifts, money, and false compliments, she will end up resenting the fact that she had to offer these things in order to make her grandchildren love her.
Her resentment may seep through her invalid comments, unrealistic expectations, self-righteousness, and manipulation.
A narcissistic grandmother expects unwavering attention and (display) admiration from her grandchildren. If they do not comply, she may punish them by withholding her love, affection, and “things” from them.
Since the grandchildren are not fully aware of these unspoken terms, this can make grandmother’s behavior annoying and sometimes confusing.
