There is no doubt that our childhood and the way we are raised plays a major factor in the way we develop as adults.
We often don’t realize how much our upbringing has affected us until much later in adulthood when we find ourselves feeling lonely and isolated from the rest of the world.
It’s when we realize that maybe we are who we are for a reason. The types of parents you had when you were younger are also important.
If you were raised by a devoutly religious family, you may have a strong attachment to a higher being.
If you were raised by generous people, you may want to work for a charity as an adult.
And if you were raised by narcissists, you may struggle with a variety of issues with your self-esteem, confidence, and relationships.
Here’s how your parents might turn you into a narcissist by being one of them.
First, what is a narcissist?
To find out if you were raised by a narcissist, it is important to consider what a narcissistic person is. There are many definitions of narcissism, some of which are broadly elusive.
To be clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the official handbook for professional therapists) states that an individual must have 5 of the 9 traits of narcissistic personality disorder. These include:
They lack empathy for others
They believe that they are inherently more important than those around them
They crave recognition of their inherent superiority
They show excessive arrogance through their attitudes and behavior
They are paranoid about others being jealous of them
They have a natural sense of entitlement, believing that the world belongs to them
They are obsessed with fantasies of power, love and success
They take advantage of others to satisfy their constant need for admiration and attention
They believe that only other special people can get it right
While some researchers believe that people are born with narcissistic personality disorder, there are others who believe that it is a behavior that is learned through the environment.
They argue that while disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder have been shown to have genetic and chemical backgrounds, narcissistic personality disorder shows no physical abnormalities or brain differences.
How do you know if your parents are narcissistic?
It is important to ask yourself these five questions to understand if narcissists really raised you:
1) Were your parents extremely critical of your behavior and outcomes growing up? Did it feel like you were you never good enough?
2) Have they always competed with you and done everything they could to win?
3) Were your parents too possessive and afraid to give you independence?
4) Do your parents seem to care about their appearance and the way they look at others in any of your needs or wants?
5) Were your parents lacking empathy growing up?
6) Have you always felt that your parents would never love you for who you are?
If you can answer yes to these questions, it is likely that you were raised by narcissists.
But it is important to remember that parents tend to be naturally protective and want their children to be as successful as possible.
What may sound like a narcissistic parent may simply be a hard worker who believes that pushing you to overcome challenges is the best way to achieve success.
It is important to be able to recognize the difference before you start making unfounded assumptions that your parents were narcissistic.
What tends to distinguish truly narcissistic parents is their persistence in denying their children’s identity and their choice to live life on their own terms.
According to Preston Ni in Psychology Today, the main characteristic of a narcissistic parent is that “the offspring only exist to serve the selfish needs and machinations of the parent(s)”.
6 negative consequences you may have experienced if you were raised by a narcissist
1) You don’t have much self-esteem and feel like you can’t do what you want.
If you struggle with low self-esteem and can’t seem to put your finger on why it is, you may want to take a look back at your childhood and ask some tough questions about how your parents raised you.
Start by looking at their expectations for your performance – have you failed in their eyes all the time?
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t do anything right?
It’s not really true of you, but the message you received from someone in your life was important enough to listen to and believe in.
A common characteristic of narcissism is grandiosity: feelings of one’s own superiority over others.
Narcissistic parents may see themselves as better than their children. This in itself is bound to affect the child’s self-esteem, which never seems to live up to the expectations their parents place on them.
According to an article in the Huffington Post, this is why many children of narcissists end up working jobs they never wanted to do because their parents forced them to.
2) You feel closed off to others.
As an adult, you may find it difficult to make friends and connect with people. You may not really know why you always have a hard time sharing space with people.
It could be that your parents didn’t make room for you in their lives and were too busy talking about themselves or their needs than yours.
It is not uncommon for parents who have problems themselves to pass these problems on to their children.
According to trauma therapist Shannon Thomas, shame can be what creates a narcissistic person, and if they see some perceived weaknesses or flaws in their child, they emotionally reject them because of it.
3) You worry that people will leave you.
If you had a difficult childhood filled with narcissism, you may find it difficult to trust people. In turn, this may make you want to push people away and focus only on yourself rather than others.
After all, according to Darlene Lancer in Psychology Today, the nurturing of a narcissistic parent is absent. When you are a child, you begin to believe that any close relationship will end like this which you believe will eventually hurt you:
If you are on your own and believe that will protect you from getting hurt, you may want to revisit that logic and look in your past for evidence of how you were brought up to think this way.
4) You feel that you are not as good as others.
Inferiority complexes are common among children — even adult children — of narcissistic parents. With parents draining their own lives, you may grow up feeling like your life wasn’t of much value.
French psychologist Alfred Adler was the first to coin the term “inferiority complex”. Alder believed that all human beings experience feelings of inferiority as children. In turn, they spend the rest of their lives trying to compensate for these feelings.
Usually, these feelings change from childhood dependence and develop toward adulthood independence. Despite this change, these feelings of inferiority are still present – albeit on more constant and varied levels.
For some people, this can become a trigger. They use feelings of inferiority to push themselves to be better performing individuals.
However, some took over. Their feelings of inferiority become so overwhelming that they become paralyzed.
They become so crippled that they become extremely shy and have an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Even worse, they tend to prevent themselves from failing by not trying at all.
As a result, you may feel that you are not as good as others and that you need to show off and look different to prove your worth.
This comes across as narcissism in some cases and can make you feel lonelier than you ever imagined.
It’s not your fault, because that’s the way you were brought up, but it’s your responsibility to do something about it now that you might be aware of why you are the way you are.
5) You feel anxious about life.
Everyone experiences some form of anxiety in their life from time to time, but if you’re feeling anxious about life itself, about being alive, and you don’t seem to have any reason for that to happen, you can turn your lens back to childhood and think about the connections that might be between everyday events. that make you anxious now and the things that happened to you when you were younger that also cause forms of anxiety to appear in your life.
Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Dodging Energy Vampires, describes what can happen when you have a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Ultimately, it drains you so emotionally that it can lead to other problems, even those that affect your health.
While this primarily speaks of romantic relationships with narcissists, it can also be the case if your parents are narcissists.
Being held to high standards that are impossible for you to live up to, and having parents who only truly care about themselves and their appearance, can take a toll on you emotionally, mentally, and physically.
6) You cannot assert yourself.
Even if you have forms of narcissism left over from your childhood, you may not be able to assert yourself in a productive way and it all turns out wrong.
According to Preston Nie in Psychology Today, a clear sign of a narcissistic parent is the tendency to use the child as an extension of the parent’s desires:
Furthermore, its harmful effects may be seen as a limitation of the child’s autonomy through the need to maintain parental dependency, which in turn results in the individual becoming less able to live an adult life.
You may find that you have to scream and shout to get what you want or you manipulate people into doing things for you so that you don’t have to do them yourself. Narcissism in all its forms.
Whatever the cause of your thoughts and feelings, if you feel like your parents may have something to do with your struggles—and they likely do—then you need to get help managing your situation and coming out on the other side of being a better version of yourself than you were yesterday.
How to heal yourself if you grew up a narcissist
Growing up is hard enough without having to deal with narcissistic parents who only care about themselves, their needs, and their way in the world.
If you were raised by people who manipulated your emotions and made you feel bad about yourself, you likely have some healing to do.
While no one has had a perfect childhood – and what is a perfect childhood anyway? Some of us have had a harder time than others when it comes to getting love and affection from the people who are supposed to help make us the adults we run into in the world.
The irony is that your parents probably didn’t have a good start in life either and might not really know the difference.
If you are on the verge of reaching into your past and feel that something needs to change in order to not become like your parents, we would like to give you some ways that you can begin to heal your mind, body and spirit right now.
It may not be easy, but it’s worth it.
1) Learn more about what it means to be a narcissist.
One of the first things you need to do is take the time to get to know what it really means to be a narcissist and find out for yourself whether or not you think your parents were really on the wrong track.
Everyone has a bit of narcissism, so if you feel like your parents had more than their fair share, do some research to see how that affects you and your adulthood before moving on.
You can’t fix something you don’t understand, so don’t skip this step.
According to University of Georgia psychology professor W. Keith Campbell, narcissism is a “continuum,” where everyone falls at some point along the line.
We all have small bouts of narcissism, and for the most part, this is completely normal.
But in recent years, an unprecedented proportion of people have shifted toward the extreme ends of the narcissism continuum, creating more narcissists than ever before.
2) Decide that you cannot change your parents’ ways.
The next step to healing is accepting that you are a separate entity from your parents, and that although they gave you the start of your life, they will have no say in how you live as an adult.
You need to remind yourself that their lives are not yours and that they are responsible for their actions, just as you are responsible for your own.
Then you have to acknowledge that you can’t change the way they were or the way they are. You just need to focus on you.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Diane Grande, Ph. D., a narcissist “will only change if it serves his or her purpose.”
While this suggests that a narcissist can change, what exactly does that mean?
Narcissists exist in their own ecosystems. Everything around them is designed to meet their selfish needs: the need for power, the need for affirmation, the need to feel special.
They have an extreme inability to see the world the way non-narcissists do, which is why they simply cannot change the way other people might grow or develop.
Personal growth generally comes through hardship, reflection, and a genuine desire for change.
It requires an individual to look within themselves, recognize their weaknesses or flaws, and demand the best from themselves.
But these are all actions narcissists can’t do. Their entire lives are designed around ignoring self-reflection and self-criticism, and forcing them to change by ordinary means requires forcing them to act against their nature.
So instead of wasting your energy trying to fix something you can’t change, it’s best to accept your parents as they are.
3) Decide what you want to be in the world.
Once you begin to absorb the truths you are discovering about yourself, make decisions about how you want to appear differently.
meaningful way for you. It may seem strange at first and your parents may have a thing or two to say about your new choices in life, but if it’s important to you, you’ll find the space to come into your own life the way you’re supposed to.
If you’ve never had a chance to shine before, you’ll feel weird. Go for it anyway.
A crucial way to take charge of your life is in your daily habits.
Are you improving your life? do you grow
If you don’t take care of yourself and your daily routine, you probably aren’t.
Do you take care of your body, mind and needs?
Here are all the ways you can take charge of your mind and body:
sleep properly
healthy food
Giving yourself the time and space to understand your spirituality
Exercising regularly
Thank yourself and those around you
Play when you need it
Avoid vices and toxic influences
Meditation and meditation
Taking responsibility and loving yourself is more than just a state of mind – it’s about the actions and habits you do every day.
You have to take responsibility for yourself, from the beginning to the end of your day.
4) Set boundaries in your life.
As you continue on your journey of self-discovery, you will find that your parents have a lot of criticisms and things to say about your new life choices.
It is their responsibility to deal with those frustrations or comments. You don’t have to correct them and the way they think about your life.
Set boundaries for yourself so that you don’t put yourself in a situation where you could get hurt.
Tell them explicitly that you are making changes and if they want to be in your life, they will have to accept you as you are now, which may be different than how they want to be.
5) Get help from your friends or spouse.
Just because you are expected to help your parents doesn’t mean you can’t ask your friends and family for help yourself.
You need people to remind you sometimes of what adults are all about and you need a kind ear to talk to them about what you’re going through.
You will have a whole range of feelings and thoughts about this situation.
Your parents may use a variety of tactics to get your attention, including going so far as to say that they are sick and need your undivided attention.
Get help from your friends or seek professional help to keep you focused on living your life, too
6) Be a different kind of parent.
Want to manage your parents from narcissists? Do your best to be the opposite type of parent to your children.
By making conscious choices to raise your children differently, you can create boundaries for you and your children so they understand a healthy parent-child relationship.
It’s hard to change the way your parents treat you, but remember that you have your own life and you need to decide what’s right for you and your family.
7) Say no.
Whether you decide to say no to your parents or not, you have to say no to some things in order to deal with your parents.
This may mean saying no to yourself, but if setting boundaries is on your to-do list, don’t start by distancing yourself from your inner circle.
Say no to other things, other people, and things that will keep you up at night.
8) Help out where you can and leave the rest on the table.
When it comes down to it, you’ll need to make some tough choices about having to manage your narcissistic parents. You may need to make some concessions.
Don’t leave yourself at the bottom of the list. Choose what is important to you and your life. They may be your parents, but they don’t rule your life as an adult.
Ask for the help you need, keep your distance if you can’t say no, and work to build your resolve by establishing a schedule or routine for help. Do what you can and leave the rest to them.
9) Realize it’s not your fault.
One of the final steps to heal your soul and get rid of the shadow of your narcissistic parents is that you need to understand that who you are is not your fault.
This means that it was not your fault – anything you do now to perpetuate this narcissistic way inside of you will be your responsibility.
As an adult with a mind of your own, you decide to move on. But you need to let go of what happened so far and move on to the next part.
In the same vein, you also need to let go of any blame you have towards your parents.
After all, the most important step to taking charge of your life is to stop blaming others.
Why?
Because if you don’t take responsibility for your life, you almost certainly blame other people or situations for your misfortunes.
Whether it’s the negative relationships, bad childhoods, socioeconomic disadvantages, or other hardships that inevitably come with life, the fault is always something other than yourself.
Now don’t get me wrong: life is unfair. Some people have it worse than others. And in some cases, you are the victim.
But even if this is true, what is the blame for you?
victim card? Sneaky feature of victim preaching? Justification for unsatisfactory living conditions?
In fact, blame only leads to bitterness, resentment, and helplessness.
These feelings and thoughts may be justified, but they will not help you become successful or happy.
Letting go of blame does not justify the unfair actions of others. He does not ignore the hardships of life.
But the truth is:
Your life is not about them. It’s up to you.
You need to stop blaming so you can regain your freedom and power that you once had.
No one can take away your ability to do something and make a better life for yourself.
10) He decided to move on.
The final part of healing is the action step: You begin to move in the new direction that is important to you.
It will feel strange at first to try to get to know yourself when you feel like you already know a lot about who you are. It’s normal.
What is not acceptable is allowing yourself to continue to be a narcissist without trying to become a better person.
Swallow your pride and do the work you need to start the healing process. Keep in mind that it may take a while, you may slip and fall more than you want to, but you will get there.
And your parents? Well, they’ll either get on board with your new lifestyle or they won’t. But that’s not your problem.
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