I am sure you will agree with me when I say:
It’s stressful being married to a narcissist.
On the surface, they are charming and captivating, which is probably why you married them in the first place.
On the other hand, they are incredibly manipulative, self-centered, and just can’t care less about your feelings.
If you have been married to a narcissist for a while, there is no doubt that it will be difficult for them to divorce because they have made themselves the center of your world.
But if they are a narcissist, then divorcing them will benefit your emotional health and your life, so it is imperative that you keep up the courage to move on with it.
Here’s everything you need to know about narcissistic divorce.
Before we get started, what is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a real mental condition. Your ex can be annoying, frustrating, rude, or even arrogant. But if it’s a step above that, they may have NPD.
Those with NPD have an inflated view of themselves. They think they are, quite literally, a god.
Interest is what they thrive off of, and admiration is just as important.
Because of these burdensome needs, you will often find that people with NPD have poor relationships, choppy interactions, and a complete lack of empathy.
If it’s not about themselves, they’re not interested. And although it is difficult to deal with such people, this is not entirely true.
In fact, most narcissists are very charming.
They bring you confidence, vanity, good looks, and desire.
And for a while, they may put themselves aside, luring their partners into thinking they are the most important people in the world.
But, it always breaks down. Because the real intent of wooing their partner is to have someone to control them.
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy road because it can take years for you to discover that the charming, often delightful person you fell in love with was weaving a web of lies and manipulation.
So, how can you tell whether or not you’re dealing with a naturally arrogant person or a true narcissist?
Is your partner a loyal narcissist? Here are 11 signs
While each narcissist has their own different ways of being manipulative, there are some key signs of narcissism that almost everyone can see:
Believing they are better than everyone else
Distort the world around them to better fit their views
Always want constant attention and praise
He is entitled and demands special privileges
Use guilt and shame to make others feel bad
He often talks to others
Gossips, bullies, and tear others down to build themselves up
lie a lot
Tell others they are “crazy” or “can’t remember things”
isolate their partners
He is not interested in other people’s passions or hobbies
12 must-know tips for narcissistic divorce
When a narcissist divorces, it will not be a definitive divorce. Most of the time it will be a struggle so you need to be prepared.
Fortunately, these tips should help get you on the right track:
- Find a specialized lawyer
Since narcissism is not your normal mental state, you will need someone who knows how to deal with narcissists.
It can be really difficult, but there are lawyers who have dealt with it before.
While any divorce attorney can help you finalize your separation, find an attorney who specializes in confronting narcissists. Once you defeat them, you will be glad you did.
- They will beg, plead, or even try to negotiate
Now if you are the one who chose to leave, prepare for attempts at negotiation and pleading.
They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still married to you, that means there is still something they want from you.
This is why they will not leave you easily.
The most common thing is that they will “promise to change”. They will immediately try to do things to make you feel amazing.
Once it becomes clear that you won’t budge, they will start threatening you by saying things like “You’ll be lost without me” or “You’ll never find a good one.”
Don’t worry, this is normal. Don’t listen to them and be manipulated into getting back at them. Not worth it.
But don’t get me wrong, it won’t be easy to leave them for good. According to experts, a victim needs an average of seven times to leave before they stay away forever.
It is important to have the courage to stick to the course. You will be very grateful in the long run.
- Don’t try to reason with them
Nothing makes you feel more frustrated than your ex. But regardless of the rationalization will work with them.
When you come to a narcissist with rational thoughts, they just don’t care.
They are so involved in their view of what happened, they will totally spoil your view.
Save these rational thoughts for the people who care – your support team. They know the truth, and when you show them the rational side of things, they’ll be there for you.
- Breaking the trauma bond
In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond—a bond between the abuser and the victim through intense shared emotional experiences.
To leave forever, you must break this bond.
The reason this bond was so hard to break is because it was so addictive. You get abused but then you are rewarded with love bombs when you do something right for the abuser.
This can really affect your mental health as you can experience frequent bouts of stress and sadness when you are being mistreated, but then skyrocket when you are rewarded with good behaviour.
Often the victim doesn’t really know what’s going on, as manipulative tactics and love breaks put the victim in a cycle of self-blame and desperation to win back their partner’s affection.
According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, there comes a time when victims leave and during the grieving process, they begin to approach the idea of being abused.
They finally realize the damage done and realize it wasn’t their fault.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply must learn to stand up for yourself and break that bond.
Because you have a choice.
One resource I highly recommend to help you make this is a very effective free video by Rudá Iandê.
World-famous shaman Rudá Iandê will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from a narcissist.
Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
He made shamanism relevant to modern day society by communicating and interpreting its teachings to people who lead regular lives. People like you and me.
A word of warning. The teachings Rudá shares in this video are not for everyone. It does not help you avoid your fears or smooth out what is going on in your life.
This video is for you if you value honest, straightforward advice and want to be honest with yourself about what it takes to turn your life around.
Here’s a link to his excellent free video again.
- Limit contact with them
As frustrating as they are, don’t interact with them. Anything can be twisted or modified in this age of technology, so the less you have contact with them, the better.
If you need to speak to them, consult your attorney. You can tell your attorney what to say, and they can communicate with you.
That way, you’re out of the picture and they can’t misrepresent what you said or didn’t say.
In Mind Body Green, Annice Star, who was involved in a relationship with a narcissist, decides to see her partner again after months of separation. Here’s why it’s a bad idea:
- Don’t get emotional
Every narcissist would do the same thing – try to get a lift from you. This is their main goal. Because when you get emotional, you become the person they say you are in court.
Then, the judge and witnesses see that you have become emotional or frustrated, and the narcissist ends up looking rational.
Remember, narcissists are very charming and manipulative. They will paint a picture that makes them look good and you look bad.
The less emotional you are during the whole process, the better it will look. You can yell and yell about them in private all you want, just don’t do it in your courtroom instance.
- Record everything
Since things like voicemails, texts, and emails can be edited, you need to record everything. Keep copies of emails, voicemails, and texts.
This is time consuming (and annoying), which is why it’s really best to limit all contact with them. Before you go to trial, be sure to send copies of any previous conversations to your attorney so they have them on hand.
You will also need to take screenshots of any social media defamation or bullying. They can delete this whenever they want, and once they see it, take a picture.
- Make a plan
As you can see, it is not an easy process. Divorcing anyone is difficult, and divorcing a narcissist comes with additional problems.
Before entering into an experiment, make a plan. Hopefully, your plan is to separate all of your assets in a reasonable manner so that you can move on with your life.
However, narcissists will not be logical. For them, it’s all or nothing. They want it all, and they will fight for it all.
Stick to your plan. At some point, you may feel like giving up, but it will be worth it in the end. Look at everything that you and your husband have.
Decide what you can and cannot give up.
Maybe you want the car but will give up some of the furniture. Or maybe you keep the house and the other person gets everything else. Every situation will be different, but divide it up and create a few “must-haves” with your belongings and forget the rest.
- Create a reliable team
Divorce is a difficult and stressful process. You need a trusted team, and that goes beyond your legal team.
While the divorce attorney may be the most important person in court, you need people to support you. Surround yourself with a team of people who are ready to fight for you.
These people will help watch your kids (if you have kids), listen to you when you’re sad, and cheer you up when you’re down.
This could be family, friends, counselors, or more. Create a trusted team of people you can count on throughout the process. It may be the most important thing you do.
- If you have children, put them first
Sometimes, narcissists are extremely abusive to the spouse and children. If so, have everything documented so that you can prove that you are the best person to have custody of your children.
However, if there is no documented abuse, your children will likely see the narcissistic partner. Divorce is hard on children, but catching your ex is even harder.
This is something you have to keep out of their eyes and ears. Fight for custody, but expect them to have visits or parent time with the other partner. When this happens, encourage them to have fun. You will do good in the end.
- Go to counseling
Narcissism drains. It will take up a large part of your life. There will likely be a lot of thoughts and feelings that you will need to rehearse over the course of a couple of months or more.
Counseling is a great way to help you through difficult times. When someone gassed you or bullied you over an extended period of time, it can leave you questioning your own reality.
You may feel lost or confused. It can be difficult to remember how certain things actually happened. Counseling will restore your lost confidence. It will also help you develop yourself and prepare for a loving and supportive partner the next time you’re out on the dating scene.
- Give yourself a break
Many people experience pain during a narcissistic divorce. It can be frustrating, and you may be mad at yourself forever for marrying them in the first place.
If you’re feeling down, give yourself a break. Narcissists are charming, and it’s hard to see beyond their facades. You did nothing wrong.
You have to forgive yourself for choosing this person. Once you’re out on the other end, you’ll see how refreshing and liberating it is. Allow yourself to feel each emotion, and then forgive yourself.
- Remember why you broke up with them
Now that you’ve ended the relationship and the marriage, you might be feeling a little let down. It’s a big change.
But those negative feelings you feel may make you question your decision.
You may start thinking about all the great times you had with your narcissistic partner. Emotions will come rushing back and regret will bubble up.
Don’t listen to those feelings. You have to keep in mind that they do not represent the relationship.
For example, maybe you remember all the “compliments” your partner gave you.
Don’t get me wrong, compliments are usually great — but when a narcissist gives them, it’s part of a technique called love bombing.
According to Psychology Today, love bombing is the practice of “showering someone with signs of adoration and attraction… designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
So to evenly regain your sanity, jot down all the reasons you wanted to break up with your partner in the first place.
In the end, it was a decision you didn’t make lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are self-serving narcissists, you probably made a great decision for your future to get rid of them.
And if the narcissist ends the relationship, write down all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, chances are there were a lot of them.
To dive deeper into strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out our latest eBook: The Art of Breaking Up: The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Love.
- It’s time to focus on yourself and how you can build a better person
It’s time to focus on yourself and regain meaning in life. Narcissists are good at making it all about themselves – so what’s likely happened is that they’ve been the center of your universe for a long time. It’s a big change.
