If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you probably know how hard it can be to be around them. Much more, to negotiate with them and win.
But this is not impossible.
Narcissists are known to be selfish and self-serving, but with the right technique and knowledge, it is possible to negotiate with them and get exactly what you want.
interested? Read on to learn 10 ways to negotiate with a narcissist and win!
1) Know what you want
Before starting negotiations, the first thing you need to do is figure out what you want to get out of the conversation.
To do this, first, identify the issues worth negotiating. Next, think about how you can talk to them in such a way that they can’t twist your words – and most importantly, that allows you to get what you want.
If you’re trying to cut ties with them, how would you tell a narcissist that you don’t want them in your life anymore? Consider how they will react and how you will deal with them.
If you’re trying to talk about an issue you’ve discussed recently, how can you talk about it with them without causing another argument?
Remember: always be clear with yourself first about what you want to achieve. This is because when you don’t know what you want, it translates to how you deliver it.
With a narcissist, this is vital to keep in mind because they may easily misinterpret what you are saying in a way that makes them think they are being attacked personally.
Always try to make the details tangible and iron-clad, so they can’t twist your words against you.
One helpful technique that can help you get what you want from a narcissist is to talk nicely about them.
2) It’s nice to talk to them
There is no doubt that narcissists love to feel important. This is because they have an incurable superiority complex and an overly inflated ego.
And you can use this to your advantage.
Sometimes, in order to win a negotiation with a narcissist, you first have to give them a small, small taste of what they want.
The power of flattery goes a long way with a narcissist, so stroke their ego. Feed their superiority complex. When they react positively, you will see how effective this technique can be.
Here are some things you can tell a narcissist to flatter him:
“You are so much better than me, I could never do that.”
“Wow, you are so good at what you do!”
“How are you? That’s cool?”
One good situation this technique can be useful for is when you are trying to get a good grade from a narcissistic professor.
These types of narcissists usually rate others based on how they are understood, which is why their sweet talk can make them so fond of you and give you the good grade you’re aiming for!
3) Try kissing (keep it short and sweet)
When negotiating with a narcissist, a good approach is to keep your statements short and concise. Narcissists don’t really listen to what other people think, unless of course it is about them. So when you are negotiating with them, you have to keep their attention.
This is where the practice of KISS — short for “keep it short and sweet” — comes in handy.
To do this, try not to worry too much about justifying your intentions. You don’t have to sound logical to them. Narcissists usually care more about their image than they do about their brains anyway.
Remember to be clear and brief so you can keep their attention, because if you can’t get them to listen, you can’t really get what you want from them.
If you still find yourself struggling to get their attention, finding their weak spots can be helpful.
4) Find out their weaknesses
The main weakness of narcissists is their own narcissism. To win a negotiation with a narcissist, this is exactly what you need to exploit.
Narcissists are the most defensive about their image. They may appear confident due to their overly inflated ego, but deep down they are very insecure.
This is why talking about issues that affect their image is helpful when negotiating.
For example, if you divorce a narcissist, you can take possessions like a home by making it seem small and insignificant to you, perhaps even horrible and ugly.
This will then make them think that it is small and insignificant, so why should they care about something so ugly and dilapidated? Because of this, they will end up giving it to you.
If you can effectively make them believe that something is unimportant, they will probably give it to you. Narcissists tend to desire only shiny things — ones that elevate their status — so they’ll likely give you what you want when you make him look dull as a rock.
However, when you are picking on and prodding the narcissist’s vulnerability, it is entirely possible for him to lash out, which means you have to be emotionally prepared when he strikes back.
5) Emotionally detached
Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally stressful.
They tend to make people feel small and left out by pointing out their insecurities, making their interests seem ridiculous, and sometimes going so far as to make fun of their problems.
Often, they don’t realize that they make people feel that way. This is because narcissists are emotionally disabled, which means they are almost completely unable to feel empathy.
I myself fell victim to the narcissist’s games. My friendship with a narcissist negatively affected my mental health, and I could only recover with time and cut them off.
So when you are negotiating with a narcissist, you must strengthen your mental fortitude.
Listing the triggers can be helpful in this regard. Do your triggers include talking about your mother, your weight or your appearance? Making mental notes about them can help you know when narcissists are attacking them.
Knowing when and how to deviate from safe topics can help you deal with a narcissist.
6) Know when to deviate
It is extremely important to know when to deviate when negotiating with a narcissist.
To do this, you can prepare safe topics before negotiating. This can help distract you from the conversation when you start to feel hurt or personally attacked.
When you feel like the conversation is taking a wrong turn, like they start to make fun of your insecurities, then you need to deviate from the safe topics. Some examples of these safe topics include the weather or current events.
Of course, you can also refocus the conversation on what it was really about.
For example, if you’re talking about breaking up with them, bring that back up so you don’t lose track of what the conversation is really about.
7) Be assertive
Even if it is important to use flattery tactics and make concessions when negotiating with a narcissist, always remember to stand firm on what you want.
Don’t lose your sense of self by making too many concessions to a narcissist. Remember: the goal is not to please them. The goal is to win.
So do not lose sight of what you want to achieve. Be very focused on your goals so that the narcissist can’t distract you. Even if you need to give them a little bit of what they want, you must remain firm and continue to direct your own interests.
Focusing on the things you can control can also help you stand your ground when negotiating with a narcissist.
8) Focus on what you can control
If you’ve been with a narcissist long enough, you may have developed a coping mechanism by constantly trying to decipher their hidden motives.
You may find yourself thinking:
What could they mean by ? What could be their intention behind doing ?
stop there.
Worrying about their hidden intentions won’t do you any good, and will only distract you from winning the negotiation.
Of course, this can be very hard to ignore especially when you are used to being around narcissists, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t get rid of this behavior right away.
But instead of worrying about their ulterior motives, try to focus on your goals, your intention, and what you want to achieve instead so you don’t lose your footing.
9) Notice what has been done
After negotiation, be sure to take note of what was achieved.
Let’s say you finally get what you want from them, but only take their word for it – this can still be risky, because they can take back what they said and play their mind games by telling you they never said it.
This is why it is so important to have tangible evidence of the outcome of the negotiations.
To do this, you could have a witness during the negotiations so they can’t take back what they say. For legal matters such as divorce, it is extremely important to have a lawyer present during the negotiation.
You can also try recording the conversation with their explicit consent to make a note of what was achieved.
10) Know when to waive
I know the point of this article is to negotiate with a narcissist and win over, but hear me out.
As we discussed earlier, some things are out of our control, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we can’t change them.
This also applies to negotiating with a narcissist.
Ultimately, narcissism is a personality disorder. They are unable to feel empathy and look beyond themselves to the consequences of their actions.
This means that you cannot force them to feel sorry for what they did, or magically make them realize that they are wrong.
It is well known that personality disorders are incurable, so you don’t have to change a narcissist.
For your own good, you must know when to accept defeat. This does not mean that you lose – it simply means that you are saving your energy for more important things, setting yourself up for bigger wins in the future.
