Let’s be real – relationships are hard! Each one has its own ups and downs and not-so-rosy moments.
This is expected, and completely normal.
Except… what if it isn’t? Sometimes, we want so badly for a relationship to work, or we’re so afraid of a breakup, that we may convince ourselves that what we’re going through is normal when it isn’t.
In other words, you may be in denial about the toxicity of your relationship.
How do you know if this is the case?
For me and my ex’s relationship, it boils down to the eight signs below.
1) Your friends and family have expressed concerns
Have any of your friends or family members expressed concerns about your relationship?
Comments about things your partner does, or questions about whether you are truly happy in the relationship.
This alone is not necessarily a sign that your relationship is toxic.
Not everyone clicks well with each other, and it might just be your friends or family’s personal opinion.
They could also be biased, or make assumptions without knowing your partner well.
However, it is important to listen to their concerns. Do they have good reasons to support them, or is it just something superficial or personal to them?
If a lot of people express concerns for good reasons, you should seriously consider whether there is any truth to what they say.
2) You are sensitive about any negative comment about your relationship
In addition to people expressing concerns about your relationship, another sign that you may be in denial is that you are sensitive when they do.
Because think about this. If you’re wearing a red T-shirt and someone tells you it’s blue, do you get offended?
of course not. You might be wondering how they could come to that conclusion, but you know in the end that your shirt is in fact red, and just because someone interprets it as blue doesn’t change that.
We are only moved by things that we fear are right deep down, or that we are insecure about.
So if you get upset or angry when someone has doubts about your relationship?
Unfortunately, this may mean that their words are more true than you are willing to admit.
3) You rationalize your unhappiness
Every relationship has its tough times. There is no denying that.
I am currently in a very happy relationship, but there are still moments when I feel like I don’t like my partner very much – I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
We can’t jump ship at the first problem, because we all deserve space to make mistakes (and it’s impossible to find a relationship that makes you 100% happy all the time).
However, if you find yourself constantly justifying your unhappiness, this may be a sign of denial.
In the past, I’ve found myself making excuses like “He’s having a rough day” or “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.” Then I realized how terribly many times I would do this.
Like I said, we should give our partner some grace, but if this is the rule rather than the exception, then you have to wonder: Is your relationship giving you any kind of happiness at all?
Unhappiness is a sign of a deeper problem, and it shouldn’t be your constant state in the relationship.
4) You feel like you have no choice
Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship? Like there’s no other choice but to keep going, even though you’re hurting?
This feeling of not having a choice could be a sign of a toxic relationship.
I know it’s hard to come to terms with this, because a friend of mine went through this in the worst way possible. You met a guy during an internship abroad and then moved abroad for your final semester to be with him.
She was in a foreign country far from her family and friends, where it was very difficult and expensive to find a place to stay, and where she had to finish school.
Not to mention, her ex also moved countries and away from his family for the sake of the relationship, and he won’t stop reminding her of that, as if she now owes him to stay with him forever.
So even though they were fighting for hours every day, she felt like she was stuck in the relationship and just couldn’t let go.
But eventually, she realized she could — all it took was one word: “No.” It was hard at first, but now looking back, you see that the relationship was very toxic, even though she used to deny it before.
5) You are always nervous
Stress can creep into our lives for various reasons. Work, health and family affairs.
But if your relationship is the main source of stress, it’s time to take a step back.
Sometimes, I’d text my ex that I was stuck at work and that I’d be late to meet him—and then when my phone rang a few minutes later, I automatically tensed up, expecting an argument or a passive-aggressive response from him.
I’ve been denying it for so long – I still remember the moment I realized it and faced the truth.
I knew I had to do something about the relationship or leave it, because it would ruin my health otherwise.
Watch for physical reactions like these in your body, but also remember that stress can manifest itself in a myriad of different ways.
You may have trouble sleeping, develop a bad habit like biting your nails, or find yourself constantly worrying about your partner’s mood or reactions.
Don’t ignore these signs – your well-being is important.
6) You feel the need to hide your emotions
With my ex, there were times when I would bury my feelings deep inside, just to keep the peace. It was stressful, pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t.
Meanwhile, my anger and resentment continued to build up inside of me. Sometimes it may come across as passive-aggressive, which will of course lead to more tension in the relationship.
As a result I tried to bury my feelings further…it was a snowball effect.
This is where you really have to stop and ask yourself: Why are you hiding your emotions?
There may be different forms of your answer, but it always boils down to this: Your partner doesn’t hear you.
Which is a huge red flag that indicates the toxicity of your relationship. It should be a safe space where you can freely express your feelings, not a battlefield where you are always on your guard.
7) You can hold onto even tiny amounts of affection
If you have a toxic relationship with your partner, you may be denied their affection (whether you consciously admit it or not).
And then when they give you even a small bite of it, you grab it as if your life depended on it.
“See? He cares about me…” or “She’s not a PDA type of person, but it just goes to show that she really likes me.”
I realize this feeling, this hope, or almost despair…
And unfortunately, while it’s nice to appreciate even small gestures, it’s not natural if you need to give a lot of meaning to something so small.
Love should not be rationed or scarce. It should be an everyday gift, not an occasional surprise.
8) You give them one chance after another
Back in the day, I prided myself on my patience. I held on, thinking that if I just waited long enough, things would change. But they didn’t. In hindsight, my patience was a cloak for my denial.
If you find yourself waiting for things to get better, and constantly giving your partner second (and third and fourth) chances, it’s time to examine why.
Obviously, we all make mistakes. This doesn’t mean your relationship is toxic – just that they keep making the same mistakes over and over, saying they’re going to change without actually doing anything about it.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner will change and grow, which means that you will overcome your past challenges and find new ones.
If you find yourself stuck in a windmill of the same fight over and over again, it’s not growth. Unfortunately, this is toxicity.
Never lose sight of the idea that you deserve love, respect, and kindness now, not at some indefinite point in the future.
Just realized you’re in denial about the toxicity of your relationship?
Now you know 8 signs that you are in denial about the toxicity of your relationship.
It took me a while to realize these things, but eventually it became blatantly clear to me that my relationship was very unhealthy.
And realization is the first step you need to make any kind of improvement. Once you see a problem, you can decide what to do about it next.
So, if you have realized that you are in the same boat as I was a few years ago, I know this can be a difficult moment.
But know that you will definitely find your best path forward, and I wish you the best of luck along the way!
