Sometimes the greatest trust we have is with animals. Unfortunately, trust can be hard to come by in humans.

Trust and toxic relationships

Trust is the foundation of any effective and life-affirming relationship. So how does trust happen and why do so many people including highly sensitive people find that no matter what efforts they make, they are unable to get to a positive place of trust with many of their important relationships?

And while we’re at it, let’s ask what happens to trust in toxic relationships including narcissistic ones.

Are there different types of trust?

I think there are different ways people experience trust; However, confidence at its most basic level is a sense of security. Feelings of security can come from any number of sources which is one reason why it can be so difficult to create them between two people.

So what are the different ways to build trust?

Similar expectations
same values
Compatible personal habits
Comfortable similar style
in the background
A match in goals and dreams
This is a trust based on similarity, on being the same and can help build a foundation in a relationship.

Compatibility makes a huge difference in building trust but it does not help us with the dynamic nature of life that requires listening, attention, and the ability to compromise and solve problems in mutually positive ways. This is a different and equally necessary component of confidence.

Each of these compatibility or related challenges provides rich opportunities for trust and abuse issues.

Where does toxicity originate?

Toxicity in relationships usually stems from some form of mishandling of difference, incompatibility, or some form of exploitation.

Although there is obviously nothing inherently wrong with people being different, differences can be problematic if they are used to make inappropriate demands on others. It is therefore not appropriate to automatically transfer our habits, expectations, and lifestyle to another person and to require others to conform to our preferences. For example, someone who doesn’t celebrate holidays shouldn’t demand that people who like to celebrate them give up their celebrations or people who don’t like one type of food should insist that their friends and family eat like them. Obviously, these are simplistic examples. Of course context is not considered here and context does not matter.

So how we deal with the differences and dynamics of life’s ups and downs can lead to toxicity in our relationships.

Dominance and toxic relationships

The need to dominate another person is a surefire way to find a toxic relationship and deserves special mention because it accounts for much of the perceived toxicity in relationships. The need for dominance is an important pattern in narcissists because narcissists only feel secure when they have the upper hand. However, narcissists are not the only ones who have a strong need to control. People who

They have rigid ideologies
Very competitive
You have fixed ideas about the rules and roles that you can live by
… They also have a great need to dominate others to perpetuate their worldview or social status. They can be very toxic to those who do not share their point of view.

I have a lot of experience with people like that. My family has rigid ideological and social views with a dose of narcissism for good measure. They tend to think negatively about people who don’t live up to their expectations and are very critical and judgmental. Being a highly sensitive person, their thinking and attitudes did not sit well with me and cause me a lot of heartache. Unfortunately, my experience is not uncommon and like many of us I have tried to change those toxic expectations into something healthier and have usually been disappointed. There is a reason for my disappointment that has taken me many years to come to terms with: People who have these rigid thoughts and attitudes have an underlying inner negativity that is often immutable.

Is it hopeless?

Is it hopeless? I think it helps to come to terms with the fact that there are people you cannot have a positive relationship with, people who will not see you as an equal human being. Fortunately, not everyone is like this.

I know someone who describes people as coming in three flavours:

Haters or hopeless negativity
carelessness
your clan or tribe.
I think it’s a simple yet effective reminder that we can’t get along with everyone but there are still plenty of people who would make great mates. 33% of the human race is a large number.

What does a healthy relationship look and feel like?

One way to find out what a toxic relationship is is to ask what is a healthy relationship?

In a healthy relationship, they are both peers who have a say. They respect each other and negotiate how they will handle their differences. One person does not set or dominate the agenda. In fact, the relationship is jointly created by the two people. There is a sense of relief and acceptance that you are not in a toxic relationship. Relationship formation does not occur in toxic relationships and certainly not in relationships with a narcissist.