Wonder why narcissists ignore you at the worst possible time?
Could you have just learned that you are seriously ill (may have been hospitalized) or have lost someone close to you, only to have the narcissist act cold and aloof?
Or, perhaps you finally received a long-awaited promotion at work, but the narcissist responded by showing utter indifference and flaunting a new love interest to your face (or even worse, getting engaged to someone else while you weren’t looking!)
One of the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how a narcissist ignored them at the worst possible time. This may include losing a job, failing an important test, after a victim is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, or the death of someone close to them (which sometimes includes a child).
Other times, the narcissist plans a destructive discard during what should be a happy occasion, like an anniversary, before a long-planned vacation, or even when the victim finds out they’re expecting a baby…with the narcissist!
While you are left to pick up the pieces of your broken heart during important phases of your life, the narcissist continues to go about business as usual as if your history together meant nothing.
To you, shocking neglect seems so personal, cruel, and cruel. But, as devastating as it is, the truth is that almost all narcissists ignore the people in their lives during important life events, special occasions, and devastating losses.
It is one of the manipulations of their scheme.
When a narcissist decides it is time to get rid of you, nothing is sacred.
While waiting for the “loving and romantic” person you thought would reappear and show some level of sympathy or basic interest in your situation, the narcissist could care less while they tossed their new supply right under your nose.
Narcissists are happy to cull destructive throwbacks at the worst possible time, and there’s a reason they enjoy it so much. They are completely aware of what they are doing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual.
Narcissists ignore you at the worst possible times and why neglects are rarely real
It doesn’t matter whether a narcissist ignores you during a happy occasion or a devastating loss, their actions and motivations after either event are nearly identical.
The real goal behind these torturous, soul-wracking trash is that the narcissist is intent on festering the wounds of your abandonment and deepening your low self-esteem… which means they will likely keep you on their waiting list for as long as they see you as useful to them.
Often, what appears to be ignoring is just a tactic used by almost all narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary source of supply.
They are increasingly manipulative – using your weaknesses against you to control you and gain the upper hand.
The reason they strategically implement eliminations during important life events is so that you will never forget them or what they did to you. In other words, when it comes to your memory bank, instead of remembering your child’s graduation, the heartwarming accolades from your friends and family for your promotion, or the joy of being pregnant with human life, what you’ll remember instead is the narcissist and their horrific abuse.
Here are two tactics narcissists use that seems sloppy but are a subtle ploy to keep you on edge indefinitely.
1 – Triangulation
Many “returns” involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the narcissist’s life. In truth, the majority of returns are a deceptive implementation of the triangulation stage, where they start out comparing you to their new “love interest” and make you feel like you’ve fallen from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, low appearance, exhaustion, etc. (all part of the narcissist’s efforts to gaslight).
And if you agree to remain friends with the narcissist, you will hear all about how amazing the new person is, and eventually, the narcissist will even go so far as to share with you the relationship problems they are having with the new person!
This is when you start to believe that the relationship didn’t work out because of you and the things you did (or didn’t do). In truth, the narcissist fabricated every emotion and event that led to this outcome. It was their intention from the start.
Sometimes, a narcissist will have someone new in their life, but they strive to keep it under wraps. It depends on their social status among their inner circle, co-workers, and personal friends. They do have a picture to keep, after all.
In this scenario, the narcissist breaks up with you multiple times and disappears over weekends or entire weeks at that time, claiming that they need time to breathe and reflect so they can get a clear picture of their feelings for you and the relationship.
What’s going on is that they have someone else in line – and they love pounding that person with that intensity, and they can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship they have with you. Therefore, they make it sound as if they need “alone time,” “time to breathe,” or “time to think things through.”
No matter which scenario he plays out, they both have the same goal – to reawaken and bring to the fore your primal fears of abandonment. A narcissist ignores you—often repeatedly—during important times in your life for a purpose, and it boils down to the basics of trauma bonding.
2 – shock bonding;
You know you relate to trauma when you understand on a logical level that you need to let go of the narcissist, but you just can’t seem to go through it.
Your friends and family don’t understand why you’re staying with someone who treats you so badly.
What they cannot relate to is that the abandonment triggers were activated over and over again, which is what happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we are emotionally attached to. Every time a narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks, he or she unleashes a new round of intense insecurity. You want to be reassured and loved by the same person who keeps betraying and abandoning you.
Young children react in this way to parents or caregivers who abuse or abuse them. Even animals react this way to an indifferent or cold parent. According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,
Narcissists ignore their primary sources of supply during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with them, ensuring that they never forget the narcissist or the relationship. All other narcissistic manipulations aside, these two destructive tactics alone are enough to instill PTSD and countless other psychological injuries. Some victims are misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder when they experience recurrent symptoms of abandonment trauma.
What to do next
Although it feels like everything has been ripped out, what happens is your primordial, true self is crying, just like an infant crying for its mother. The frequent triangulation and abandonment that the narcissist does strengthen the insecure attachment, ensuring that you will be jealous, needy, and anxious all the time, always seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist—the very person who will never give you any of those things.
You may feel as though you can’t survive this, but you can start to recover by planning your Break Free strategy and exit plan. Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with the narcissist to get them to understand your point of view or to discuss always dodgy solutions to your relationship problems.
Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked. This is exactly why narcissists neglect you at the worst possible times.
Plan your Break Free strategy, find someone else to hold on to during the early stages of recovery, and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
It will feel impossible to do at first. It will feel unnatural, but with daily practice, you can heal the traumatic bond the narcissist made between you.
